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Illustrations by Toby Morris
Illustrations by Toby Morris

SocietyMay 17, 2018

What happens to all the tampons and pads when they leave us?

Illustrations by Toby Morris
Illustrations by Toby Morris

Alex Casey goes on an odyssey to discover the fate of Auckland’s disposable sanitary waste.

Chux cloths. The odd bit of corn. A set of false teeth. It was the worst Generation Game any human had ever played, and I hadn’t even found what I was looking for yet. I was staring into the void at the Watercare treatment plant in Mangere, and the void was full of whatever Aucklanders flushed down their toilets a matter of minutes ago – including an alarming amount of human hair. Then, in the mush, I saw my prize. A tell-tale aqua blue string. A tampon, fresh out of the Splash Planet that is Auckland’s intricate sewage system. Oh the places you’ve been.

If you think people are generally pretty weird about menstrual products, you should have met me at 14. I blame one of my old teachers, whose puberty class consisted of her dropping a tampon into a glass of water and flourishing “voila” like a tired Rainbow’s End magician. That was the extent of it. For the first few months of my period, I was terrified. I hid bloodied knickers and pads in a bucket under the house, periodically pouring bleach on it by nightfall until it dissolved into a deeply toxic mess of human remains. Also, yes, I’m the Zodiac killer, I thought you’d never ask.

Breaking Bad is a TV show about me

You might think, well over a decade later, that I would have my disposal methods under control. I thought I did too, until the drain outside our house started overflowing one fateful morning last year. My boyfriend rang me that afternoon, laughing uncontrollably after calling out a plumber who was probably, definitely called Barry. Turns out I had blocked our pipes right the hell up with Tammy P’s. It was a job so severe that Barry couldn’t use his regular pump, and had to go home to pick up his super-uber-hydraulic pump that probably looked like this.

The ordeal cost $700 and caused a lot of confusion for me. In the aftermath, I frantically asked every bleeder I knew how they got rid of sanitary waste and if they knew where it went. Some scoffed that flushing is completely fine. Some nearly spat on my shoes for even suggesting a flush solution at all, boasting about carrying their waste tucked away on their person like some sort of travelling womb salesman. Others just shrugged and didn’t want to talk about it at all, which was weird considering we still had at least 25 minutes left on a packed train ride home.

Nobody really had a straight answer, so I set out to discover what really happens when we say goodbye to our T’s and P’s.  

My first port of call was to plot out the journey of the trusty domestic bin, handily demarcated by Auckland Council for time-of-the-month disposal with a fetching blood red lid. I called Nicola Strawbridge from the solid waste team at the council, to find out what happens when sanitary waste makes it kerb side. “Anything in the red-topped bin is going into landfill,” she said. “It is not separated in any way, shape, or form.”

Auckland has two landfills, one in Redvale and one in Hampton Downs. Inside the hungry, hungry earth pit, waste is dumped and layered with more earth, more waste, then more earth. A rich trifle of human excess with more than a dusting of methane and leachate. Yummy.

“Because landfills have no air and very little water, things simply aren’t breaking down in there,” explained Nicola. “We manage the landfills as best we can, but this is really not where we want our waste to end up.” She rattled off some truly incomprehensible numbers. Roughly 12% of all domestic waste is nappies and sanitary products. It takes two years for a banana skin to decompose. Anywhere from 20 to 1000 years for a plastic bag. 450 fucking years for a nappy or a sanitary pad.

Safe to say that your corpse will be long gone before your pads and tampons are, folks, carpe diem and livin la vida loca en nouvelle zealande!

If there’s one thing that menstruators love more than dealing with big stinky domestic bins, it’s those charming delicate mystery bins lurking in work, restaurant and cinema toilets. They are frequently called something like Ladycare, Victoria’s Secret or Butterfly Kiss. What happens to those, I hear you cry. Buckle up: they all end up in landfill as well. The operations manager at Ladycare – who takes care of The Spinoff’s Ladybin – explained they too follow council regulations and their waste ends up in “deep” landfill alongside medical waste. Aka, a nightmare pit.

The ladybins are picked up by their uniformed chauffeurs and transported in elegant van style to their private treatment facility. Basically, it’s a lovely manicure for a bin. The contents are emptied, compacted and carted off to landfill in a skip. The bins are sanitised, perfumed, coiffed and ready to go back on the front line again. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen to the contents of those special Gold Class bins, but it wasn’t that. “Years and years ago the waste used to be incinerated,” she explained, “but you can see why we put an end to that.”

So if disposal in every form of bin ends up six feet under, what happens to the Kelly Slater-style tampons that regularly hang ten down the toilet? Because, spoiler alert, bleeders are flushing like crazy. Time and time again I have found myself trapped in other people’s impossibly minimalist and bin-free toilets, faced with an ultimatum. Flush away or charge out into the lounge with blood running down my arms, tampon held up like a sacrificial human heart while I scream KALIIIIMAAAAA as a tribute to that freaky bit in Indiana Jones.

Me, gingerly peering into the sewage eye of Sauron

The answer to the flushing question lay in the Watercare treatment facility in Mangere. It was a waste wonderland, with enormous Wonka-esque tubes snaking across the horizon, carrying everything that Aucklanders have flushed down toilets, drained down plugholes and stuffed down their sinks. This is not the chocolate river that you came for, Augustus. I was inducted into the “screens” building, where I was told three “interceptors” meet up in a “confluence chamber” to remove everything that won’t make it through the 3mm screens. Peter Rogers from Watercare looked me dead in the eye. “Anything that’s not the three P’s: pee, poo, paper.”

The screens have caught phones, money, McDonald’s toys, passports, dead pets, golf balls, wipes, sanitary products, and every other hellish item that you’ve flushed down the toilet, you filthy animals. Everything that doesn’t get through the screen then begins a slow journey up a long cylindrical chute, where a spiralling drainer screw dries it all out. This is where I stood on the platform, watching the grim procession go past. Corn! Horrible wipes! False teeth! Carrots! So many carrots! When the mush reaches the top, compact and dry, it is dropped in a bin and… you guessed it… carted off to landfill anyway.

The hardworking screens intercept 1500 tonnes of non-dispersible waste from the wider Auckland region per year, 700 tonnes of it comprised of wipes and 90 tonnes of it comprised of sanitary waste. Wipes are a biggie, too. Just like tampons, once they’re flushed and in the pipes, they refuse to break down. Instead, they catch on imperfections and tree roots, slowly weaving to form a dense rope that creates major blockages. “They advertise them as flushable. They will flush, just like a golf ball or a kids toy will flush,” said Peter, “what they don’t tell you is what happens after.”

Seeing “what happens after” that day was enough to spook me and leave me riddled with guilt. Luckily Liz Peterson from the United Sustainable Sisters – a social enterprise committed to making reusable menstrual products accessible for all – reckons it’s not just my fault alone. “That’s just our culture, isn’t it? We’ve become such a disposable society that we just send stuff away and we don’t think about where it goes.” Her mission is to empower people to make the shift from disposable to reusable menstrual products, acknowledging that it’s not an easy transition.

“I think there’s a real lack of awareness, first and foremost,” she says. “Disposable products have been the norm for a long time but it’s still a taboo topic. We don’t really talk about it, but people are becoming a bit more open as reusable products become more mainstream.” She estimates that over the course of a menstrual lifetime, over 9300 disposable items will end up in landfill per person. She assured me that reusable products – from menstrual cups to washable pads – have become more technologically advanced and user-friendly than the shredded rags of yore.

“It seriously revolutionises your life. I don’t even go down that supermarket aisle anymore,” she said. “I wish I’d made the change years ago.”

Admittedly, so did I. Being faced with the realities of disposable sanitary waste was an exceptionally rude awakening, and staring into the hypnotically churning chute of despair at Watercare made me deeply mad at myself and everyone around me for at least two days. I was grumpy that it’s not something that’s talked about and I was grumpy that it took a whopping $700 plumbing fee for me to think about it for more than three seconds.

But everything’s fine now, I’ve bought a Mooncup and I’ll have to flush heaps of those before Barry gets a call out again.

Just kidding.


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Look, let’s just go with the caption that came with the stock image: Group of four people in the city standing (and one is crouching) next to a building and operatng their mobile phones. Looks like they are testing mobile applications or social media.
Look, let’s just go with the caption that came with the stock image: Group of four people in the city standing (and one is crouching) next to a building and operatng their mobile phones. Looks like they are testing mobile applications or social media.

SocietyMay 16, 2018

What I learned from my first month of drafting Tinder bios for cash

Look, let’s just go with the caption that came with the stock image: Group of four people in the city standing (and one is crouching) next to a building and operatng their mobile phones. Looks like they are testing mobile applications or social media.
Look, let’s just go with the caption that came with the stock image: Group of four people in the city standing (and one is crouching) next to a building and operatng their mobile phones. Looks like they are testing mobile applications or social media.

Almost universally, men’s online dating user descriptions are terrible. Madeleine Holden recently launched a modest enterprise to help.

A little over a month ago, I launched my latest, semi-serious side hustle: for the princely sum of $25, I will draft men’s Tinder or Bumble bios for them. Soon after I dashed off the tweet that started the venture, my Gmail app began pinging me push notifications, and I opened it to find that sincere requests for help were trickling into my inbox. “I could really use a new take on my dating bio,” read one. “Found your offer on Twitter for men in need of online love bios. Is the same offer valid for ladies?” asked another.

The genesis of the idea went like this: I was working on a freelance writing assignment at the time – a men’s guide to using Bumble – when my editor requested that I screenshot the wittiest and most engaging bios to use as illustrative guides. Swiping left at pace, and staring down the barrel of a rapidly-approaching deadline, I found myself coming up short. The bulk of the bios I encountered were either blank or contained nothing but the user’s height in feet and inches; some were lengthy shopping lists of desired female features; and most of the rest employed tired, samey joke formulas (“✭✭✭✭✭ – my mum”). I found a grand total of three (3) decent efforts and emailed them to my editor, along with the copy and a sheepish apology for my selection (“Sorry, it was slim pickings”). Soon after, I took to Twitter in an attempt to monetise the shortfall, and the rest, as they say, is (very recent) history.

The Tinder bio of every single man in New Zealand, apparently

I have a bit of a track record for experiments like these. Almost five years ago, I launched Critique My Dick Pic, an initiative born of roughly the same dynamic: I noticed that straight, cisgender men were doing something badly, and I thought that I could help them do it better. Like Critique My Dick Pic, drafting bios ended up widening beyond the narrow subset of men I originally targeted (I do create bios for women, and anyone else who might need one), but drafting a dating app bio is a more difficult assignment than picking apart a thoughtless nude. For a start, I need to get to know the subject quickly, a task I usually tackle by accessing their social media and entering into a brief back-and-forth about who they are, what they’re looking for and how they’re already presenting themselves, if at all. Then I need to sum up all those elements in a way that avoids the droning, wishlist quality of the worst dating app bios, usually in a fairly short time frame.

Without putting any of my customers on blast or revealing too many trade secrets (lol), there’s a baseline formula that I build from and tweak in most cases, which is roughly as follows:

“I’m [summarise subject in best possible light] looking for [describe dream partner] for [clarify nature of relationship]”, plus an engaging one-liner, pre-emptive date invitation and/or ice-breaker to seal the right-swipe.

Not exactly rocket science, I know, but the framing and tone needs to be carefully honed for each individual and their circumstances, and it’s crucial to hit the sweet spot between frustrating reticence and waffling, emoji-riddled screeds; both of which are common mistakes in the Tinder trenches. A degree of objectivity also goes a long way in this area: regardless of how clever my customers are, they’re always grateful to be able to put this particular task in someone else’s hands, because drafting one’s own dating app bio is pretty much a universally loathed and cringeworthy experience. Distilling your desirability in fewer than 500 characters lands most people somewhere between staring blankly into the fridge and an existential crisis, so it can help to have a neutral third party take the pain out of it.

Which brings me to the part that everyone’s usually most curious about: the money. Am I making money out of doing this? Yes. Is it much more than minimum wage as an hourly rate, factoring in the erratic nature of the work and level of research required? I don’t know, but I’m trailing off distantly and staring into the sun now. However, as The Spinoff’s own Leonie Hayden said to me recently, this is God’s work, and so the money isn’t really the point. And while drafting dating app bios is clearly not the sort of honest-to-goodness God’s work that nurses or union organisers do, it’s a tinkering improvement of (mostly) heterosexual interactions of a kind that has become my accidental forte, and it’s made a fair few people happy so far.

A staggering range of people have approached me – old, young, bisexual, asexual, techies, musicians – but I have to say that none have been especially difficult cases. Some have specific fetishes they’re looking to indulge and others are dipping their toes into the dating scene for the first time since the end of a long relationship, but all of them have been thoughtful, cooperative and eminently dateable. There’s been a tangible sense that we’re both entering into a good-faith project; a brief encounter in which they lay bare the details of their daily lives and most private romantic desires, and I do my best to help them put their best foot forward on their dating app of choice. It’s fascinating to be privy to a wide range of people’s most intimate hopes and vulnerabilities, and humbling to be able to help in whatever small way I can. I’ve certainly done crappier jobs.