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Image: Tina Tiller
Image: Tina Tiller

OPINIONSocietyOctober 17, 2020

The more loving one

Image: Tina Tiller
Image: Tina Tiller

In the final instalment of her column about her adventures in online dating, Alie Benge ponders a world that isn’t afraid of love.

I’m obsessed with love. All forms are fascinating. Familial love, aromantic love, queer love, desire, friendship. But my interest has come from a position of anthropological curiosity. In my own life, I’ve been reasonably love-averse. I’m not into romantic gestures. I don’t have a secret wedding Pinterest board. The only time I’ve tested my name against someone else’s was when talking to someone on Hinge whose last name was Smellie, and I realised I could marry him for lols and become Alie Smellie. I think I’m afraid of love. Maybe in the same way I’m scared of any extreme thing, like huge bodies of water, or driving too fast, like it’s too bright or too loud.

I’ve always felt that loving someone means giving them a certain power over you, so I’ve held myself back from it. My ability to move on from each relationship has depended on how much power I gave away, and how much I got back at the end. By this I mean, how much did I let my feelings show, and was I able to take all that affection back and pretend I never cared.

Then I listened to a podcast which featured a line from a Yeats poem: “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.” I had to pause the podcast and sit down. What a thing; to consciously choose to love more; to actively seek it. It’s so bloody lovely. This would look like not worrying about texting first, or replying too quickly. It would mean letting someone know you like them, rather than pretending you don’t have strong opinions on whether you see them again. I looked at the world, and the relationships I’d been in or witnessed and thought, how different would the world be if we were in competition to love each other more? To meet the love we receive and give it back 10 fold. “What if next time,” I thought, “I just gave all my power away and loved openly and affectionately? What if I let someone fully in?”

This was some time in January. The last days of the beforetime. I was about to meet the ghoster and begin my dating rampage, and if you’ve followed this series, you already know what happened. I went all in, and I got my heart broken, more than once. Of course I did. It was always going to happen, because this isn’t some prosperity gospel where you get out what you put in. But I didn’t do it to get anything from being the more loving one, but because it was the kind of person I wanted to be: someone who loves freely, without insecurity or tit-for-tat power plays. I didn’t want to give love to get love. I wanted to give it without expecting anything in return. Even so, a few months ago, well into this practice, I was out with Sia and Abby, waiting for a long overdue text back. Sia said, “Why don’t you just message and see if he’s out?” Abby and I stopped, food halfway to our mouths. If I’d been wearing pearls I’d have clutched them. I couldn’t give away so much power, or make myself so available! I couldn’t possibly let someone know I was thinking of them and wanted to see them.

Today I stood next to the ghoster at the traffic lights, neither of us acknowledging each other, and I knew I’d rather have been the more loving one in that situation, because being a loving person means I could never do what he did. I’d rather be heartbroken myself than make anyone feel that way. No question. Let me love you more, if only so I know I’m able to love; that I can pour it out; that if needed, I can absorb heartbreak into myself and end it there, rather than lashing out or getting my own back.

When I started writing this series I was single AF. And here I am, writing the final one in Tall Liam’s living room while he’s at work. We’ve met each other’s families. I keep a toothbrush and a packet of hair ties at his house. And now, having written this diatribe, I’m realising how wrong I’ve been. Love shouldn’t be bound up with power. Relationships shouldn’t feel like a competition. So maybe instead of looking for someone to love more, look for someone you can’t outdo. If it’s too easy to be the more loving one, then what a waste of your love.

For the past week and a half, I’ve been constantly seeking affirmation from him because we’re at a point in our relationship that terrifies me. It’s that last moment in the trust fall where you can stop yourself tipping over. I could expose my soft underbelly at the moment of most vulnerability, or I could snap closed. I want to be someone who can go into this without holding anything back and protecting myself, but sometimes I feel like an exposed nerve. It’s so hard. It’s so hard.

I don’t want either myself or Tall Liam to be the more loving one. I want only to know that I’m capable of love. That I can give and receive it without insecurity. I thought I should be able to give love without expecting anything back, but I was wrong. We all just want to be loved, right? It’s why we’re scrolling through apps, putting ourselves through this. It’s OK to want to be loved. It’s OK to be hurt sometimes. You won’t die. I promise. Give love anyway. Put more of it in circulation. Ask for some back.

Read the whole series here.

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The Pittsburgh Penguins play the Montreal Canadiens during a game in Toronto in August (Photo: Getty Images)
The Pittsburgh Penguins play the Montreal Canadiens during a game in Toronto in August (Photo: Getty Images)

SocietyOctober 17, 2020

Puck this year: How 2020 turned a sports hater into an ice hockey superfan

The Pittsburgh Penguins play the Montreal Canadiens during a game in Toronto in August (Photo: Getty Images)
The Pittsburgh Penguins play the Montreal Canadiens during a game in Toronto in August (Photo: Getty Images)

Some people made sourdough. Some took up sewing. But Sacha Judd and her friends got through this pandemic-dominated year by developing a curious obsession with a curious sport.

No one needs another thinkpiece about the effect of 2020 on our exhausted brains. You’ve already read a hundred hot takes bemoaning the fact that we can’t concentrate on reading books, or on prestige television drama, or that we’ve made all the sourdough the planet can possibly sustain. But last month I heard a clinical psychologist on a podcast put it in a way I hadn’t thought about before. Our brains are craving novelty. Dr Ali Mattu said, “our days look so similar. We haven’t had a lot of new experiences.” Time has no meaning. Zoom hangouts are the worst. Find something new to do with your friends, he said. 

I realised how right he was because I’ve spent the last couple of months doing something extremely new with my friends and it’s been excellent. I’ve become an ice hockey fan.

Going into the pandemic, I knew maybe two things about ice hockey. That the players were allowed to fight each other, and that many of them lacked teeth. I wasn’t sure if those two things were related.

Then a few things happened in quick succession. I came across a tumblr post describing the truly delightful fact that during a hockey fight, the uninvolved players hug their opponents to keep them out of the fray.

The Tampa Bay Lightning and New York Islanders hug a little bit during the 2020 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs in September in Alberta, Canada (Photo: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

“They do it because it’s fair. And it’s kind of cute sometimes.” 

Then the NHL announced they would be going ahead with the 2020 playoffs by creating two bubble cities in Canada. And they would be housing all these teams of professional athletes that fight and hug each other for a living in a single hotel in Toronto called (and this is not a joke) Hotel X.

 

I have a group chat of friends I’d usually be attending Harry Styles concerts with about now. It’s an amazing group of women: software engineers and lawyers and surgeons. In a normal year, if we weren’t together at a gig we’d be gathering online to marvel at Harry’s latest outfits, peering at grainy periscopes streamed from the GA pit. Covid put paid to all that, but why not something else we could do together that would be new every day? I’ve never been a sports fan in my life. I usually can’t discern one kind of sportsball from another. But why not watch the Stanley Cup? It wasn’t like 2020 could get any weirder. One subscription to the NHL TV app and it was all downhill from there.

When we watched our first game, it was pretty confusing.

Now, in addition to understanding “icing” and “backchecking”, I can tell you many other things about hockey. For example, this is Tyler Seguin on a zamboni. He plays for the Dallas Stars, who made the Stanley Cup finals and went all the way to game six before bowing out to the winners, the Tampa Bay Lightning. He is obviously very talented.

Image from ESPN Magazine’s 2015 body issue

I’ve learned that hockey players’ uniforms are straight up the weirdest collection of garments you’ve ever seen. Some of them wear garter belts. To keep up their “hockey socks” – which are not socks, but some sort of leg warmer that goes over their knee pads but not their feet. Under shorts. For a game played on ice. None of this makes sense.

The thing that makes the least sense are goalies. James Neal, winger for the Edmonton Oilers: “So I’m the guy who’s supposed to put the little rubber puck into the back of the net. Pretty simple. The only thing is, there’s a 6’5” monster wearing pillows standing in my way — and for some reason the dude can do full splits on skates. It’s insane.” And you know, he’s not wrong.

Photo: Getty Images

As far as I can tell, hockey players are the most superstitious, ritual-bound creatures I’ve ever come across. Three-time Stanley Cup winner Sidney Crosby, captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins, can’t walk past the visitors’ locker room, has to eat a peanut butter sandwich at the same time each game day, and (most revoltingly) still wears the same jockstrap he’s played in since high school.

My favourite team, the Penguins, agonisingly went out in the first round (on Sidney Crosby’s birthday – the outrage). But what are playoffs for if not constantly shifting allegiances? By mid-August I’d developed a great fondness for the extremely chaotic Dallas Stars. Underdogs who lost their coach midway through the season, they play the sort of hockey where they’re down 3-1 to the Calgary Flames and then just score six more goals to romp home to victory.

The Stars brought nothing but drama. Key player after key player was benched with injuries. Back-up goalie Antonin Khudobin (the team calls him Dobby – his mask has the house elf painted on it) rolled into the net and played the best hockey of his life. They fought the Colorado Avalanche all the way to game seven before Joel Kiviranta won it for them with a hat trick in overtime. Facing the Bolts in the finals, the Stars were a battered and broken team, and they still pushed it all the way to game six before it was over. I hate sports. I love the Stars.

My brain is now full of hockey facts. I can bore you to death with talk of penalty kills and power play units. We’ve planned our fantasy draft for next year’s expansion team, the Seattle Kraken. I own a Geno Malkin t-shirt. I have a hockey blog. Is it weird? Sure. Any weirder than any other fandom hole I’ve ever fallen down? Absolutely not. Weirder than the fact that if both goalies on a team get injured they have to call on the “emergency backup goalie” and it might be the zamboni driver? I mean, come on. What’s not to love?

Hockey is unbelievable fast-paced – so fast in fact that a shift is only about 45 seconds long before the players change. It’s skilful and, yes, incredibly violent. And at the end of a game the whole team lines up to hug their goalie and pat him tenderly on the head. It’s pretty compelling. 

But mostly I just can’t overstate the joy of getting together with friends all over the world, people I feel so physically separated from at the moment, to enthuse over something entirely new. It might be a while before I’ll be able to be in North America again, but you can guarantee that as soon as I am, you’ll find us all together at a rink. 

The season’s over now, so you’ll have to wait for a while to enjoy some live ice hockey yourself. But if time’s become a flat circle, find yourself some novelty. Pick the thing you know the least about; the thing you’re least likely to be into. In a year in which everything is endlessly the same, you just might find it makes all the difference.

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