We’re about to move in together, and I’m scared of becoming codependent.

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Dear Hera,

I’m worried that my boyfriend has no friends. His best friend lives in another country so they hardly ever see each other, just message online. His other friends live in the same city as us, but he never really sees them, makes no effort to see them, and they don’t seem to make much effort back.

All of his friends he met because he’s been flatmates with them (or back at uni), and he’s told me that ideally he wants his flatmates to be his friends; he’s not interested in making friends any other way. I know this is based on a few years ago, when he had the perfect flat configuration where he was good friends with all his flatmates, and they hung out together all the time, and he wants that back, even though he knows it’s probably never going to happen again.

We’ve been together for over a year now, and we’re hoping to move in together soon-ish (he’s out of work right now and doesn’t want us to live together until he’s got a stable job/stable income which I agree with) and he only wants us to live in a flat for the two of us (which I’m fine with) so the chances of him making new flatmate friends in the future is very low. 

I’m quite social, I like to keep myself busy and see my friends regularly, which I know is not the style for everyone. Some people don’t see their friends very often, and that’s the way they like it to be, and my boyfriend is one of those people. Whenever we hang out with my friends, he’s always super friendly and social, and generally will talk to my friends more than I do (he’s much more chatty than I am), so it’s not like he’s socially awkward or doesn’t like people. I worry he just can’t be bothered putting in the effort of friendship maintenance.

I love my alone time and enjoy doing things on my own, and he does too, but I think it’s also good to see your friends, and I know when we’re not together, he mostly spends his time on his own, which can’t be healthy in the long run. I don’t want to become his main form of socialising – I don’t want to end up in a codependent relationship like that. Oh, and he’s Scottish; we live in Edinburgh (I moved from Aotearoa two years ago).

Am I just projecting my own style of friendship onto him, which is wrong, or should he actually make the effort to make friends? Or is this just what Scottish people are like?

Sincerely,

Busy, Overthinking Introvert

Dear Overthinking Introvert,

“Is there something wrong with my partner, or is he just Scottish?” is a very funny question I don’t have the requisite geographical knowledge to answer. Without knowing anything about the Scottish psyche (outside of contemporary detective fiction), I feel confident in saying your question is a universal one, and your boyfriend is probably just like that. 

This is a hard subject to raise with someone you’re dating, because it’s so emotionally loaded. Most people, in these enlightened modern times, can understand someone choosing to be single. But there’s no way to admit to not having many friends without feeling like an abject, heinous loser. 

The trouble is that “friendship” is an extremely nebulous category, which means different things to different people. Are friends people you see regularly, or do the anonymous group of people you talk shit with while playing CS:GO count? Are co-workers you go out for drinks with friends? People in your wider social network whom you see regularly, but don’t actually like that much? Is it better to have a few close friends who’d give a heartfelt speech at your wedding or funeral (whichever comes first) but who you don’t speak to for months at a time, or people you go out for coffee with once a fortnight, but only discuss surface-level gossip? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is one person’s friend is another person’s irritating acquaintance. 

I don’t think there’s any “right” number of friends to have, and completely understand those who prefer a few meaningful relationships with people they’re in sporadic contact with, to a busy social roster. 

The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with not having many friends. History’s littered with the skeletons of brilliant loners who preferred the desolate solitude of the moors to the bustling Richard Scarry metropolis. Perhaps they won’t be remembered for their sparkling dinner party conversation, but that doesn’t mean they were lonely or unloved. And even if they were lonely or unloved, it doesn’t mean their lives were empty or wasted. There’s more to life than the society of others. 

Is friendlessness a symptom of increasing social atomisation, or a cautionary tale about modern masculinity? Personally, I don’t think so. There’s been a lot of nostalgic handwringing about the death of third spaces, and a kind of pastoral nostalgia for the Thomas Hardy parish life. Maybe there’s some truth to the idea that people thrive in a community, and it’s hard to find a community when you work remotely in a large metropolis. But the important thing to remember about villages is that you’re not supposed to like everyone in them. 

Yes, you might have a few close friends. But villages are also made of acquaintances and rivals, pastors and teachers, in-laws, milkmen, the charlatan who sold you a sick donkey, the children your children go to school with, etc. 

I do think people need the society of others. But friendship isn’t the pinnacle of meaningful social interaction. I know your partner is currently unemployed, but perhaps when he does find work, it will be an intensely social job that requires chatting to people all day. Maybe he’s close with his extended family, or spends a lot of time on the phone with his mother. Maybe he has a busy online life you don’t know the full extent of. 

My point is, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. We can’t all be like Jesus, throwing regular 12-person dinner parties. Some people genuinely need a lot of time to themselves. As long as you’re out in the world, you’re probably getting some of your basic social needs met. 

Plus, it sounds to me like your partner does have friends. Perhaps he’s not as diligent at maintaining them as you are. Maybe he should even try a little harder. But there’s nothing in your letter that suggests your partner is lonely, or that his social life is a problem that needs solving. 

It seems like your concern has more to do with your anxiety about your autonomy within a relationship. You’re about to move in together, and you’ve started to worry about what that means for you. You’re clearly a deeply independent person who values your freedom and are understandably nervous about the transition. You want a partner who is an equal, not an emotional dependent. 

I don’t think this is a stupid concern. We’ve all heard horror stories about couples who become unhealthily enmeshed and start to resent one another. But at the moment, this seems purely speculative. There’s nothing in your letter to suggest your partner actually resents your freedom, or wants to limit your contact with the outside world. If you’d written in, saying your partner gets jealous and sulky when you go out, or complains of constant loneliness, or emotionally overburdens you, I’d be concerned. But if none of these things are happening, you may be overthinking this. 

You say he spends most of his time alone, “which can’t be healthy in the long run”, but I don’t know if I agree. It’s not a good idea to eschew all forms of human contact, but some people are just inveterate homebodies who truly need (and enjoy) their time alone. 

If you’ve only been dating for a year, you’ve only witnessed a small fraction of his life. Perhaps he’ll meet a great friend at his new job. Some people are picky when it comes to making friends and hate social interactions which feel forced or mandatory. Often, as you get older, and your lives become more entwined, you end up accumulating mutual “couple friends”, which is a great way to meet people, as long as you’re happy to share. 

If your partner’s at peace with his level of social interaction, and there’s no obvious detrimental effects on your relationship, I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask him to change his life, even if his life seems a little sad to you. 

What you can do, before you move in, is have a few conversations about what a healthy relationship looks like to you both, in terms of independence and personal autonomy. If you’re worried about having time alone in your house, you could negotiate giving each other a short break once a week – one person walking the dog, or going to the movies. How do you feel about things like taking holidays alone? Inviting guests over to the house at short notice? Staying out overnight with friends? You might discuss expectations about how much time you want to spend together, and how you might communicate when you feel like you need some space. Do not disturb signs on the door? Do you need a moment when you get back from work to decompress alone, or before you go to bed at night? Do you appreciate silence in the kitchen? Is it OK to walk in on each other in the shower? Will you each have a separate space in the house? (Probably unaffordable, but nice to think about, or eventually work towards!) 

It’s entirely possible to live with someone you love and not lose that sense of personal autonomy. It might take a little negotiation and some awkward conversations to get there. But you don’t need to change your boyfriend’s social calendar to get the freedom you need.