Is it ‘man-centred’ to choose my boyfriend over her?

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Hey Hera,

I’m reaching out because I don’t know who else to speak to. I’ve leaned on my partner for a while, but I want an unbiased opinion. 

Last year, I met my current partner at a party. We started chatting and couldn’t stop. From that point forward, we spent every day together (unless he was working) because we knew that once both of us started our jobs, we wouldn’t see each other as much as we had conflicting schedules.

I also have a best friend of seven years. She is my ride or die. Was there for me when my bunny died. We’d already talked about moving together, but we both had conflicting needs. When she broke up with her partner, I was there to support her. For the past year, most of my time has been spent with my friend. Many days I’d drive over to her, and we go get brownies, make homemade pasta together, or simply blare Taylor Swift on my speakers on the street her ex lives on (yes, I know). We have been thick as thieves. 

I was trying to balance my time with both of them, but I won’t lie, my biggest mistake is that I compromised on time with her for him, but only because our schedules made it easier for us to get together later. 

I also feel like I’m supposed to be ashamed of my past. This is my first relationship. The first couple of years of adulthood, I spent dating casually and getting to know myself. I was very cavalier. Now she is single and hooking up with people, she always says, “I’ve never done this, I don’t do this. This isn’t me, it’s you”. She’s constantly bringing up things I’ve told her in confidence to my partner ( I don’t have anything to hide, but it’s mine to share). We’ve also had some issues with her being discriminatory about my ethnicity and being culturally insensitive. When this happens, I tell her my feelings are hurt, she says she’s sorry and to keep holding her accountable.

A couple of days ago, she was trying on clothes for a party and asked my partner and me to rate her outfits. She put on lingerie and asked him if she looked sexy. I’ve noticed smallish things like her hugging him first when we meet up, or if she’s trying to get our attention, she calls on him rather than me. She also told me she wants to put a curse on my new relationship so we break up.

I don’t care if one day he decides “whatever, I’m leaving” or even “maybe I want to date her friend instead”, but I feel so betrayed by my best friend who makes me feel shame for my past and appears to be flirting with my new partner. I’m also grappling with feelings of shame around potentially being man-centred. Like one part of my brain is like “she’s treating you badly” and the other is screaming “don’t distance yourself from her or cause a fight over a man”. A part of me thinks if I just left my boyfriend, it’d all resolve, but he is the nicest, most non-toxic person I’ve ever dated. Do I really give up what could be a great relationship over my friend who makes me feel like the dirt on the bottom of her shoe?

I feel lost and confused about what to do. Could you help, please?

Sincerely,

Lost and Confused

Dear Lost and Confused,

“Do I really give up what could be a great relationship over my friend who makes me feel like the dirt on the bottom of her shoe?” is what we in the amateur freelance advice column business call a “leading question”. You obviously know perfectly well that your friend’s behaviour is borderline inappropriate and hurtful, and that you shouldn’t leave your happy relationship. It sounds like what you’re really asking is how best to handle a difficult but beloved friend. 

Honestly, this girl sounds more “hit and run” than “ride or die”. Between the betrayed confidences, inappropriate lingerie and unhinged Taylor Swift recitals, this friendship sounds exhausting. 

It’s not “man-centred” to prefer the company of a loving and supportive partner to a batshit friend. It sounds like you were there for each other during some difficult times, but a supportive female friendship is more than just a shoulder to cry on. Your friend should also want the best for you and celebrate your happiness. “Celebrating your happiness” does not include constantly flirting with your boyfriend or putting a curse on your relationship. It’s normal to feel a little hurt when a friend starts dating someone new and has less time for you. But seeing each other every day is unsustainable. Between your boyfriend and your best friend, do you ever get a night off? 

If there’s anything we’ve learned from inspirational girlbosses Elizabeth Báthory and Brooke van Velden, it’s that women can be evil too, and swearing uncritical allegiance to your own gender over common sense and intuitive reasoning is a bad idea. 

My interpretation of your letter is that your friend is pushing boundaries, but you’re having a hard time knowing how to handle it because you’re a bit of a pushover. I mean this in the nicest possible way. I myself am a craven worm and despise any form of conflict. But quietly seething while your friend walks all over you is no way to live. 

I’m sure there’s lots to love about your friend. There’s a lot to be said for people who push you out of your comfort zone, and I have no doubt your relationship has survived this long because, in among the drama and duplicity, she’s a lot of fun. It’s a lot less fun, however, when your friend starts trying to derail your relationship because she’s jealous or needs to be the centre of attention. 

Learning how to stand up to this kind of person feels impossible, if you can’t say boo to a goose. But if you want this friendship to survive, you’re going to have to learn to stand up for yourself. 

That is, if you want your friendship to survive. I’m always loath to automatically tell people to cut contact, because relationships are messy, and it’s hard to get across the complexity of a relationship in a short letter. Some relationships survive hard truths and grow from them, while others collapse on contact with reality. If you feel like you’ve outgrown this friend and want permission to move on, I wouldn’t blame you. But it might be worth having the difficult conversation first, and seeing if anything changes.

It may not make any difference. Reading between the lines, it doesn’t seem like your friend is notorious for “reflecting on how my behaviour might be hurtful and making amends”. But if the alternative is quietly seething with resentment or breaking up with your boyfriend, you might as well have a crack. It sounds like you’ve been able to call her out on being culturally insensitive before, so you’re definitely capable of standing up for yourself! 

If she isn’t willing to listen, then by all means, choose the boy. Even if your relationship doesn’t last, it’s still better than capitulating to the demands of a friend who actively resents your happiness; unless you’re happy to be single for the rest of your life.