For a new series looking at dating in New Zealand, a 42-year-old has given up on dating apps after 10 years of swiping.

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Age: 42

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Fluid. Mostly dated men so far but finding I’m more attracted to women these days.

Ethnicity: Mixed

Religion: None

Occupation: Communications

My living location is: Wellington

The apps I’m on: None, anymore. I gave up after ten years of fruitless swiping.

I’m looking for: A monogamous relationship with closeness and connection with someone funny, extroverted and left-leaning politically. Someone who is very active and takes care of their health, especially as health niggles of people 40+ start showing up. Someone who has hobbies, interests and passions. I wouldn’t consider having my own kids so someone that already has them and doesn’t want more, or someone who doesn’t want them would be fab!

Mostly I’m finding: Mostly men who want all the benefits of a relationship – regular communication and sex, attention, affection, emotional support, date nights, validation on their looks and personality – but who don’t want the actual commitment of a relationship ie the responsibility and accountability of one.

My last serious relationship was: The one I’m most proud of. It ended over 12 years ago but we remain close to this day. We got there through valuing and respecting each other, and continuing to support each other like we always did just, platonically. If I were to introduce a potential partner to friends, he’s the one whose opinion would be the most important to me. If he had any reservations about them…I’d probably start feeling pretty unsure about the person I was dating. 

The worst date I ever had: The guy got absolutely shit-faced and started heckling the stand up comedian we were watching. It became so clear he was that drunk that the manager asked him to leave. I started heading out of the door ahead of him (mortified) and as I was leaving I heard him get really aggro with the bar lady who told him he couldn’t take his drink with him. Again. Mortified. I blocked him on the app as I was waiting for the train home. 

The best date I ever had: I’ve travelled a lot so have been on dates in some gorgeous places. My surf instructor took me to eat flautas on a beach in Southern Mexico to watch the surfers glide down the waves of the Mexican Pipeline. That was pretty cool.

The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date: I got far too drunk on a first date ten years ago (my first after my long term relationship ended), was completely overwhelmed at the interest this stunning man was giving me, and roasted him in a way that I thought was funny in my drunken state… but which was actually just rude and I never saw him again.  

The best thing a date ever did for me: The man who I had the most regrettable date with walked me all the way home to make sure I got there safely.

The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date: see ‘worst date’ above *eye roll*.

On a date I usually wear: Boyfriend jeans, a cami, and jandals, natural make up. I need to be comfortable to be myself.

I have sex when: I feel connected to the person. That’s the most important thing to me, and it takes me a few dates to get to a point where I do feel that connection.

I wish dating was: A bit more slow and intentional. Lots of people seem to have the “paradox of choice” mindset; they know it’s easy to match with someone new if someone doesn’t quite tick all the boxes, rather than work through things that come up.

This is what I think about who pays on dates: I would never expect a man to pay for me on a date. More often than not they want to pay for my coffee (I always suggest a coffee as a first date) which is fine. If we go out for dinner I always offer to split the bill, but if they want to pay the whole thing I thank them and tell them I appreciate it. 

Three words that describe my dream date: Fish, chips, wine (beach).

My dating advice is: Most people’s experience is that dating sucks (which it really does, sometimes) but even if dating doesn’t eventuate into something serious it can be an opportunity to practice your own communication skills: ask for what you want, and say what isn’t working. And NEVER ghost!

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