One of Wellington’s many cinephiles (cringe) ranks the capital’s small but mighty collection of cinemas.

As soon as I caught wind of Tom Augustine’s excellent ranking of all 29 cinemas in Auckland, I knew Wellington needed its own version. As one of the 2,000 members of the Wellington Film Society, I think it’s fair to say the capital has a pretty passionate relationship with the movies. But not just because Wellywood is a city of creatives and a Unesco film city (whatever that means); it’s the cinemas we have on offer that makes our moviegoing experience special.

We have no mall cinemas, and of the five cinemas ranked (the list excludes the wider Wellington region, otherwise Upper Hutt’s Monterey Cinema would be dead last), only one is a chain cinema and only two can be considered true multiplexes. We’ve become a more boutique cinema kind of city, preferring something shabby but full of history to something shiny and new but lacking soul. We skip the popcorn line and dine out at the nearby restaurants. We’d rather see a retro or film festival screening than the latest blockbuster.

Wellington has lost plenty of glorious cinemas to time: Reading on Courtenay Place, Hoyts Mid-City, Regent Cinemas, Lido, Rialto, Majestic, Cinerama, Paramount, so on and so forth. When The Court, the replacement to Reading, finally comes in 2027, it’ll feel well overdue.

It’s always been hard to keep a movie theatre in business, whether that’s because of the cost of running the place or the competition of streamers. But there’s also nothing that compares to the feeling of sitting your ass down for about two hours and watching a beautiful picture stretched across a big screen. In the time of TikTok, I often worry we’re losing our ability to enjoy something as simple as this.

Here, I have considered a cinema’s accessibility, quality of the in-cinema experience (like comfort, concessions, sound and overall vibes) and programming offered. Some of these critiques may be considered a bit brutally honest but I truly haven’t had a terrible theatre experience in Wellington. Except for when I saw Devil Wears Prada 2 recently – that movie sucked so bad.

5. Penthouse Cinema, Brooklyn

The good: Call me Lana Del Rey, but this place is so art deco. The kitschy bright red, blue and yellow colourway on the façade has made this place a landmark of the Brooklyn hills. It’s pretty spacious inside with plenty of room for seating, whether that be on couches outside the cinemas, the dining room tables or the booths around the corner. There’s a cafe attached meaning you can grab an actual dinner there instead of stuffing yourself sick on popcorn. And, wow, the cinema even offers blankets!

The not-so-good: Sadly, I have far more critiques than compliments. This is probably the least accessible cinema in Wellington; it’s on a hill and can be reached with public transport, but parking is paid. Come on a busy night, and you might get stuck doing laps in the car park or winding around the tight residential streets.

Then there’s the food. I can’t speak for the restaurant offerings but I can speak for the sad, sinking feeling I experienced eating from a bag of Serious Popcorn. No hate to Serious, but I am one of those people who needs to gorge themselves on a bucket of buttery popcorn and I can’t wholeheartedly co-sign the boutique cinema trend of not offering this experience. Sure, you can order off the in-restaurant menu, but you can’t take hot food into the actual cinemas. So you’re stuck snacking on pricey (and small) ice creams and lollies.

In the nicest way possible, the Penthouse is a cinema for retirees. It used to be known as the Vogue (and still has a shabby little suite of the same name), and it does feel stuck in a certain time. The furnishings, the French Film Festival and Met Opera screenings, the cafe food; it all makes it feel like it’s intended to serve a target audience: old Caucasian people. And in the hills of Brooklyn, there are plenty.

Verdict: Every ranking needs a loser and unfortunately, the Penthouse is that. A little facelift and a zhush for the menu could do this old girl some good.

4. Empire Cinema, Island Bay

The good: I think this might be the cleanest cinema in Wellington, to an almost sterile degree, but, God, does it look mighty good. The dining area feels flash and the suites (the smaller screening rooms) are small and cosy. It’s so white and clean that it almost feels like a cinema Kim Kardashian designed, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Where the Empire really triumphs over others is the food on offer – better deals, and better options. You can get a pizza delivered to your seat or a huge ice cream cup from the bougie ice cream bar. There are kids’ food options, and your Coke comes in a glass bottle – chic!

There’s something else that I must mention. When I visited the Empire, there was a very lovely fluffy cat sitting on a chair in the dining area. I admit I don’t frequent the Empire enough to know whether this cat is a constant fixture of the cinema or whether I just got lucky. But a cat petting experience must be acknowledged as a major plus. (My older colleagues inform me that the Penthouse had a famous cat once too, but he appears to have died 30 years ago.)

The not-so-good: Honestly, it’s hard to find something to hate about the Empire. But if I had to pick something, it’s probably programming. Anything you see here you could catch at another cinema. Add that fact to the sterile atmosphere, and the Empire ends up lacking a lot of the soul you can find in other cinemas around town. 

Verdict: The Empire is a thoroughly decent cinema with a good vibe and a whole lot going for it. But it also doesn’t have a whole lot of personality. It’s a cinema for the casual movie-goer, rather than the cinephile.

3. Roxy Cinema, Miramar

The good: The best thing about this cinema has to be the way it looks. It’s another art deco-style cinema, but with a lot of history on offer. There’s an Oscar won for Lord of the Rings in a glass case, vintage film posters, art plastered over the ceiling and a model rocket from the Thunderbirds TV series, to name a few of the items on display. With the cinema sitting in the heart of Wellywood, a few streets away from Wētā Workshop, you feel like you’re really breathing in the city’s creative history.

As well as retro decor, you can see a lot of retro films here and partake in a watchathon, like the upcoming Mad Max Marathon. They’ll pair new films with old ones as well; for example, there’s a screening of Close Encounters of the Third Kind to anticipate the release of Steven Spielberg’s latest movie, Disclosure Day. And to my knowledge, it’s the only cinema in Wellington that offers 35mm screening for the real film dorks. The seats are also very comfy, with ample space to stretch your legs and sink back.

The not-so-good: Despite all it has to show for it, the Roxy often feels out of sight, out of mind. If you want a big cinema experience, it’s easier to head to the Embassy. But I imagine the Wellingtonians living in the east would disagree.

As for food, it’s just OK and a bit pricey. I once burnt my mouth on a really hot pie right before hosting a Q+A with Marlon Williams and my tongue didn’t recover for nearly a week. This is partially a criticism of the cinema, and partially a humble-brag about having met and conversed with Marlon Williams. 

Verdict: I’ll be honest: the Roxy is a really nice cinema, but it’s not one I think about often. If this cinema were more central, I’d definitely be frequenting it more. And while the building looks absolutely gorgeous and it’s fun to see all the bits and bobs on display, you only really need to see it once.

2. Light House Cinema, Te Aro

The good: Location, location, location. The Light House is just a hop and a skip away from some of the capital’s best food and drink offerings on Cuba Street. You can easily spend a lovely afternoon eating and shopping along the street and end it by catching the latest big flick, or an indie film you can’t find at an Event Cinemas chain.

In terms of vibes, the Light House is probably the cutest cinema in the city. A recent first-time visitor told me they were totally charmed, and it’s not hard to see why. It’s quaint inside and out, with couch-style seating and pillows making it feel like you’re sitting in a cosy little living room.

They also offer varied – and affordable – screenings. Monday night films are only $12.50, parents can attend a “Light House Littles” screening on a Tuesday morning and students and seniors also get discounts on certain days of the week. It’s a much better economic choice than the likes of the Penthouse.

The not-so-good: I appreciate that it’s less of a messy business, but my heart breaks every time I am forced to order a quiche from the cafe cabinet rather than a popcorn bucket. However, I hate to sound like a broken record and must hold space for those who aren’t so fussed about their popcorn experience at the theatre and are looking at me like I’m a greedy fuck.

The couch-style seats are cute, but they’re not the most comfortable, or the most generous in terms of space. Sometimes you might find yourself squished up against another person. Sometimes, if you arrive a little late, you might find that the other person sharing your couch has already claimed the one couch pillow available.

Verdict: The Light House is a theatre that has really grown on me over time. At first I fully hated the popcorn situation but have grown to more passionately enjoy everything else it offers. It’s helped me shed the gluttony I developed while living in Auckland, and in terms of a true boutique cinema, it’s the best Wellington’s got.

1. The Embassy, Mount Victoria

The good: Pretty much all of it. While it’s still not a perfect cinema (see points below), it’s the best manifestation of what you picture the traditional theatre experience to be. The Grand, the theatre’s main screening room which can seat up to 500 people, is the closest thing the city has to an Imax (the actual closest Imax is in Lower Hutt). And if you prefer the boutique experience, you can enjoy the smaller downstairs suites, right next to the cinema’s built-in cocktail bar, the Black Sparrow. And when it’s all said and done, you’ve got Courtenay Place on your doorstep for the afters.

There’s also a lot of beauty to the Embassy. The walls of The Grand have these classic pilasters, an ornate coffered ceiling and some ornamental semi-domes by the screen. Even the bathrooms look incredibly lovely (though personally I cannot speak for the men’s toilets).

It’s also the only cinema in Wellington with a proper big popcorn maker, meaning it’s the only place you can order a jumbo popcorn. If that doesn’t float your boat, there’s an array of sweets, or you could get a pizza delivered to your seat (if you’re in the downstairs suites).

It’s also home to the Wellington Film Society, meaning for two screenings every Monday night, the theatre is absolutely pumping. And though the lines of hundreds of cinephiles can get slightly overwhelming, it feels pretty damn cool to have such a beautiful third space you can share with so many people who are just as film-obsessed as you. And if you’re not a film society member, you can still enjoy the retro screenings and various film festivals the cinema hosts.

The not-so-good: Despite the theatre’s scrappy little history, you have to remember it’s still a link in the Event Cinemas chain. This is only a big deal to us Wellingtonians, as we like to pride ourselves on our plucky pioneering film history and our love for local and independent business. 

There’s also sometimes an issue with sound leaking over from The Grand into the smaller boutique cinemas. The Grand can also get damn stuffy when it’s full –  I once sweated real bad through a retro screening of Close Encounters but that might have been related to the several Heinekens I purchased at the bar.

Verdict: It’s incredible that the Embassy can claim two identities at once; the memory of the best of the city’s film history, and the innovator offering the modern movie-going experience. Like other cinemas on this list, it’s been a feature of Wellington’s landscape for nearly a hundred years, and has seen its fair share of restorations and refurbishments. And still it chugs on and continues to embed itself in the capital’s history, having hosted the world premiere of the final Lord of the Rings film and the most recent Avatar film. Somehow, the Embassy manages to be everything, everywhere, all at once.