The manosphere preys on insecurities, and I was a prime target. But a conversation in the car changed everything. 

As told to Claire Mabey. Names have been omitted to protect the anonymity of the storyteller and their family.

By the time I was 16 years old I was seething with rage. I had grown up in the Two by Twos (sometimes known as 2 x 2) church. It was incredibly strict: we had meetings three times a week and everything about me, about who I was, was dictated by the church. How I dressed, how I talked – who I was in the world. I hated it and knew I had to leave: not just the church, but my home, too.

Living inside of the church’s rules meant participating in a very patriarchal society. Most women had to stay at home, wear long dresses and keep the household running. That was my mum’s reality. She was a homemaker and fulfilled the church’s expectations in that way; but she was a highly intelligent person and I think she was often bored. She took odd jobs here and there to keep herself entertained.

Looking back, I’m not really sure how Mum felt about her life. I think she and Dad kept me and my siblings in the dark about a lot of what went on, how they were personally coping. Ultimately though, Mum was a kept woman and she suffered with mental health problems.

Me, on the other hand: I had never got along with the church’s ideas. I was instinctively sceptical and also incredibly bored by it. I hated people telling me what to do, how to think, what to wear. I have ADHD and autism so I’m sure that contributed to me not going along with it all in the way they probably hoped I would. The church eats people up. By the time I was a teenager I’d reached my limit.

It was easy to leave. I told my parents I was heading off and their reactions were sort of muted. I don’t really remember well but I think they knew I wanted to go. Mum didn’t appear too upset about me going but I knew I was her best friend and had been for a long time. I did worry about that. I found out later on that Dad took it really hard. I think my leaving changed his relationship to the church in the end. 

After I left home a school friend’s whānau took me in and I stayed in school until the end of sixth form. After that I bounced around jobs and benefits for years – ADHD in full force! Even though I was now free from the church, I’d still grown up in its oppressive, patriarchal cloud so was primed for the manosphere to draw me in. I was already indoctrinated into traditional Christian views so it was all too easy for the algorithm to latch onto me. 

The thing about the manosphere content is that it preys on insecurities that hold consumers in a state of anger and fury. I was a prime target. My exposure to the manosphere was all through social media. Account after account reinforced misogynistic ideas that had already been normalised for me by the church, ideas advocating for traditional gender roles promoted by people like Jordan Peterson.  

It was in 2021 that a woman, my fiancee actually, loosened the manosphere’s grip on me and, well, changed my life. We were at a party and my fiancee was pregnant and our sober driver. I started making misogynistic and bigoted jokes aimed at her, no doubt to impress the blokes around me. I didn’t even think about the impact on her: I never had. In the car on the way home my fiancee, who is a strong and amazing person, explained to me how hurtful, how damaging that kind of violent humour is, and I found it very moving. It was like a light had been switched on.

After that I stopped drinking. That was a big step towards focusing on my mental health but also on clearing the way for critical thinking. I extracted myself from social media by deleting Twitter, stopping using Reddit and ignoring Facebook. I started on a journey of introspection and started reading feminist books by Clementine Ford, and listening to podcasts by Jamie Loftus, among others, and basically re-educating myself. It was so eye-opening and interesting. I learned I was wrong. I learned I was just an insecure little fella. 

The advantage about growing up in a sect – and escaping one – is that you can spot the signs. You can see how they normalise damaging ideas and behaviours, how they weaponise insecurities and recruit vulnerable people. I am a very staunch feminist now and lucky to be a dad and husband to a perfect little bunch of people. I couldn’t be more grateful.

As told to Claire Mabey.