‘He is conservative and lacks empathy for people not the same as him (and is disinterested in changing that mindset).’
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Age: 52
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Heterosexual
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Policy manager
Length of relationship: 5.5 years
Children:None (me); two (him)
How we met: Through work
The best thing about my relationship:The way it constantly challenges me to look more broadly outside my own thoughts and personal needs.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Values. He is conservative and lacks empathy for people not the same as him (and is disinterested in changing that mindset).
This is how we share/separate our finances:Shared bills and holiday/event savings; separate ownership of properties (we live together in mine; he pays no board but contributes labour/DIY for renovations).
This is how we split chores and childcare: Fairly organic- he is now retired so has picked up the main laundry and gardening tasks and some cooking; I do the rubbish and bathroom cleaning. We both do the general cleaning. No childcare responsibilities but both look after the cat (feeding, toileting).
Our sex life in three words: Occasional, perfunctory, uninspired.
The thing that makes me a good partner: Acting on and providing things I know he likes (e.g., to do or eat or watch) to show my care for him.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: Trying to change his entrenched attitudes.
What I most appreciate in my partner: His care for his family, which is unwavering.
What I most resent in my relationship: That I see less of my old friends, particularly the single ones.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time:The reduced frequency of sex- too tired at night, different sleep schedules in the weekend, menopause/loss of libido.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: How often I query whether I’d be better off single.
Our last big fight was about: Whether or not I had told him something important- I know I did but assess that he wasn’t listening; he was certain I had never mentioned the matter and was misremembering; I accused him of gaslighting me; we fought. That I can’t recall the actual issue today shows me that it was less about the topic and more about feeling heard/valued (or not).
If I hadn’t met my partner: I’d still be happily single, having a fulfilled life with many wonderful friends and a strong career.
I expect my relationship to last until: One of us dies.
My relationship advice is:Don’t give up your autonomy for someone else’s dreams; you have to build shared dreams and goals.
