The number of active cases remains astronomical.

Hopes of curbing community transmission of political disgrace in New Zealand are fading, with a succession of new reported cases raising fears that the so-called “Bowen cluster” is out of control.

At a press briefing this morning the director general of parliamentary misconduct announced there was one new case of political disgrace, bringing the total number of active cases to heaps and the overall confirmed cases to totally heaps. This is the number that is reported to the World Health Organisation.

Speaking to a group of pale and emaciated reporters at the Beehive Theatrette, the director general said the new case suggested the elimination strategy had failed. With political disgrace now in the community, the focus would shift to flattening the curve. Experts have demanded a ramping up of testing.

Anyone who has come into proximity with a politician in recent weeks is advised to contact Healthline immediately.

The outbreak has seen a series of new cases over recent weeks, with a succession of politicians being placed in mandatory isolation after returning positive tests for disgrace.

A rescue package for politicians’ reputations is expected to be announced shortly.

Bellamy’s will remain closed.

The leader of the opposition [subs chk who is leader of oppn] has been approached for comment.

Rob Fyfe said he was still sad that the prime minister hadn’t thanked him.

In a brief appearance at the White House Rose Garden, Donald Trump lacquered his naked body with Janola.

Ashley Bloomfield, who has been put in charge of the country, is understood to be considering a range of measures including shutting down the internet forever, requiring all politicians be permanently restricted to bubbles of one, and an indefinite lockdown of all human males.