In our series looking at dating in New Zealand, an occupational health worker is looking for a man ‘ideally a different ethnicity to mine’.
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Age: 35
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Straight
Ethnicity: South Indian
Religion: Spiritual
Occupation: Occupational health
My living location is: Auckland
The apps I’m on: Bumble and Hinge
I’m looking for: Men (32-40), employed, has his life together, looks after his health, doesn’t want children but I’m open to guys with children. Doesn’t do hard drugs/smokes, not a party boy. Smart, ideally different ethnicity to mine but beggars can’t be choosers.
Mostly I’m finding: Casual flings, men who won’t text, either want to get laid or ghost me within a day. Won’t plan dates or make any effort. Aren’t ready for a relationship but put themselves on the app anyway. Men who’ve been on the apps since 2015 and using the same photos.
My last serious relationship was: Two years. Ended because he was still in love with his ex but took two years to figure it out. Another six-month long relationship ended when I found out he was doing meth.
The worst date I ever had: He asked me how much I made and basically tried to see if I made more than him. I do.
The best date I ever had: Unfortunately it was with the guy who was still in love with his ex. He was a good guy, smart and had good sense of humour. We ended up talking for hours.
The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date:Kissed him even though I didn’t want to. He had given me the ick early on but I was going through a rebound phase so I wasn’t thinking right.
The best thing a date ever did for me:I can’t really say I’ve experienced this. Most guys have been nice but done the bare minimum.
The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date:He was super handsy and began talking about sex on the first date. Again – he was a rebound who I ended up dating for half a year, so I didn’t clock it as red flags at the time and excused it.
On a date I usually wear: Cute catfish/knit top with jeans + sneakers if winter. Or dress + denim jacket with converse if summer. Not a lot of make up or jewellery.
I have sex when:I feel ready and safe with them, if they start to give me signs that they’re in it for the long haul. Unfortunately guys know how to say the right things when they’re just not there for commitment.
I wish dating was: Straightforward like the old days. No one approaches me in real life. Dating events are depressing because it’s the same men you see on the apps and men who have no social skills. Where are the single men even hiding? I’m not attractive enough for run clubs. And why do men wear headphones or air pods in public? How am I supposed to start a conversation if I fancy them!?
This is what I think about who pays on dates: Go halves but it’s nice to see the guy offer to pay. Show me that you’re not just looking for a casual physical relationship or expecting it to be transactional. Once you’re exclusively dating, you can take turns paying or talk about it.
Three words that describe my dream date: Conversation and compatibility.
My dating advice is: Get therapy before you get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Don’t rely on apps, don’t fall for red pill dating advice. We all want love so don’t feel too proud to get out of your comfort zone and ask someone out in real life, but handle rejection like a champ too. Get out and find someone as if dating apps don’t exist. And be honest, even if it means you’re breaking their heart.
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