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They’re New Zealand’s most valuable homegrown resource – but which is the best one?
They’re New Zealand’s most valuable homegrown resource – but which is the best one?

SocietyJune 25, 2019

Power-ranking New Zealand’s biggest, stupidest monuments

They’re New Zealand’s most valuable homegrown resource – but which is the best one?
They’re New Zealand’s most valuable homegrown resource – but which is the best one?

Tara Ward power-ranks our nation’s most valuable, revenue-generating resource: Our big-ass rural monuments.

Big Monuments are taking over the nation. No town is safe, no highway untouched by their enormous limbs and massive beaks and enormous carroty girths. We’re obsessed with these oversized symbols of Kiwi identity, and it’s time we celebrated them for what they are, i.e. bloody incredible.

No longer will we denigrate a giant gumboot or shame a huge apricot into silence. Why shouldn’t we be proud of our big sausage, and revel in our love for a whopping big carrot?  Let’s embrace this bizarre part of our nation’s self-identity, the weird and wonderful part, the part that stares right into our souls like a gigantic trout with dead eyes that never stop looking at you, no matter how fast you drive away.

Seek and ye will find, climb aboard a corrugated iron Kiwi and ye will regret it. After minutes of extensive research, I’m taking the power back from these Big Statues by ranking them in order of ‘disappointingly sensible’ to ‘fan-bloody-tastic’. The results are in. This is us, New Zealand, you gorgeous slice of kiwifruit, you.

18) Taupo’s Big Bicycle

Spin this baby.

Chuck on your tightest lycra bodysuit and ring your bell for Taupo’s massive bike, created to raise awareness of cyclists on the region’s roads. Twas such a sight that I nearly drove off the highway, LOLZ! Also, great set of spokes.

17) Waitomo’s Big Apple  

It’s a sign AND a statue! Functional.

How you like them apples? The Waikato likes them big and round and red, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

16) Te Anau’s Big Takahe

Bird.

Never mess with takahe, because they’re still pissed off with us over that whole “nearly becoming extinct” debacle. Time’s a healer, the planet is fine, let’s all move on as one.

15) Springfield’s Big Donut

Krispy Kreme, anyone?

Delicious, but alas, not actually made of donut. Opportunity missed, Springfield.

14) Rakaia’s Big Salmon

Swimming upsky for winter.

I love an oversized fish statue as much as the next human, but when you’re up against Gore’s Big Trout, you’ve really got to bring it. Yes, it has a lovely tail and probably an equally as charming personality, but in reality the Rakaia Salmon is but breadcrumbs in the river of big fish dreams. Have you ever had a giant salmon float upstream into your nightmares? I rest my case.

13) Otorohanga’s Big Kiwi

This Kiwi supports Pride!

There’s nothing more Kiwi than a statue of a giant kiwi. Or is there? Makes you think.

12) Riverton’s Big Paua

Literally a shell.

What the (s)hell?

11) Colac Bay’s Big Surfer

Hang ten!

Southland is punching above their weight with oversized statues, and I couldn’t be more proud. The sooner they erect a Giant Cheese Roll statue down the middle of Esk Street, the better.

10) Paeroa’s L&P bottle

It’s a classic, but it ain’t the best.

L&P/Allan’s Pee, it’s a joke that never gets old. Neither does this iconic New Zealand statue, but how can a big brown bottle compete with a mahoosive loaf of bread or a six metre tall dairy cow? Science says it can’t, so RIP L&P.

9) Gore’s Giant Trout

That fish is gasping for air.

Let’s take a moment to salute this gloriously oily beast, who’s definitely seen some shit go down during its time atop Gore’s finest pole. There’s a reason its mouth is wide open in shock, but as a former resident of this fine town, I’ll say no more.

8) Te Kuiti’s Mr Big Shearer

I bet the rest of that monument is underground.

Absolutely breathtaking, but would probably rank higher if I didn’t already have a fondness for Gore’s tiny ram statue. In solidarity with hairy sheep everywhere, we need to leave the Big Shearer here.

7) Cromwell’s Big Fruit

Fibrous!

This buxom bowl of fibre pisses all over Waitomo’s solitary big apple, and yet it’s still not enough for the good folk of Cromwell. They grow big dreams and big fruit in Central Otago, and now they want to add some giant cherries and a bottle of wine with “a tap and a hose coming down so people can have a wee taste.” Incredible news, incredible fruit.

6) Taihape’s Big Gumboot

The detail on the bendy boot!

Taihape? More like die happy, once you’ve laid eyes on the flashest gumboot statue in New Zealand, nay, the entire universe. Simply bootiful.

5) Morrinsville’s Mega Cow

How much milk does that cow make?

Morrinsville’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. This is six and a half metres of bovine brilliance, which, as ColinF said in his Trip Advisor review, “you don’t see every day.” Hold the phone Colin, what if you live in Morrinsville? Lucky bastards.

4) Te Puke’s Big Kiwifruit

Why would you go into so much detail on the green only to leave the yellow?

Big? It’s fucking massive.

3) Manaia’s Loaf of Bread  

Did you know New Zealand had a bread capital?

Feed me, hold me, rock me gently as we breathe in all the sweet doughy goodness of Manaia’s bread statue. Yarrows of Manaia makes delicious bread, and I will never forget how they used to shoot loaves into the half-time crowd at Taranaki rugby games. I missed out on a nice sandwich loaf, it haunts me to this very day.

2) Ohakune’s Big Carrot

BCE.

Behold the big carrot energy. Chuck it in a cake, chuck it in a salad, put it on a plinth and say your prayers, thank you and good night.

1) Tuatapere’s Big Sausage

This is technically vegan.

A giant sausage in the middle of rural Southland? Never been prouder to call myself a New Zealander.

Keep going!
Previews – FIFA U-20 World Cup New Zealand 2015

SocietyJune 25, 2019

‘They’re not rampaging down Queen St. Yet.’ Auckland’s lead rat hunter speaks

Previews – FIFA U-20 World Cup New Zealand 2015

It was the story that circled the globe – giant rats, writhing across Titirangi. But rats were here long before it was fashionable or “newsworthy” – as were rat hunters. Don Rowe talks to Phil Brown, Auckland Council’s head of biosecurity about the realities of fighting rats in the big smoke. 

Last week I journeyed west from Spinoff HQ, deep into the forested hamlet of Titrangi village in search of rodents. There I found an infestation – not of drum circles, yogis or chakra prophets, but fat, wet, Norway rats. They scuttled and scampered, twisting over one another to grasp at husks of grain left out for the village chickens. But the patchouli rats infesting Colin McCahon’s old turf aren’t the only vermin plaguing the nation. From Whangarei to Wellington, Cambridge to Christchurch, the nation is facing a mast season like we’ve never experienced. And as conservationists are warning, the warmer things get, the more mast seasons we’ll face. These would be beneficial to native birds in a better time, but every pink rat fetus squirted onto the pavement in our rapidly warming climate is another juvenile rodent thriving on the flesh of young tui, pīwakawaka and kererū.

Like any war, the council is utilising a combined arms approach, poisoning and trapping vermin in their thousands. More than $30m has been set aside to deal with the ecological fallout of this, one of our hugest mast seasons, but a scorched earth strategy remains both impractical and politically unpalatable, with household pets and natives too vulnerable.

I spoke to Phil Brown, Auckland Council’s head of biodiversity, about the reality of the front line of pest control this mast season.

Phil, what’s the latest on the plague? How bad are things on the ground?

We’re growing our biosecurity team as fast as possible, but a lot of the talk at the moment is how do we also grow our biosecurity programme so that more Aucklanders can do a better job of protecting our wildlife from rats. That capability is what I’m focusing on, but our teams are out there dealing with the rat issue, which is obviously pretty bad.

Recently my in-laws bought a house that’s a bit rural and the rats were so big and numerous that they were creating paths across the lawn so you could see during the day where they’d been running at night. The first night I went out I was going to be the big man and get in amongst these rats, but they were climbing out of every hole and on every tree and I had to go back inside to get my dog to come back out again because the rats were so big I was slightly worried for my safety. I don’t know if it’s quite got to that stage in Titirangi but it sounds like people are concerned that’s the way it’s heading.

What about in the CBD? It’s more bush out there in Titirangi, but what’s happening in the city?

I think every autumn we get a big boost in rat numbers, because it’s the end of the breeding season and there’s a lot of food around in autumn, and then as we get into the later end of the season and it gets cold then they start getting back into places where people see them. And so in the city people will probably notice at this time of year more rats around. Not that they’re rampaging down Queen Street or anything. Not yet anyway.

You might spot them in greater numbers in some places but they’re not affected by the abundance of the wild food like they are in Titirangi, where there’s also these people feeding the chickens. Obviously we’re encouraging people to make sure they’ve got their control in place, both because it stops the nuisance problem of the rats but it can also really protect our wildlife as we come into spring again, because if there are less rats around it protects the new eggs in their nests.

What methods are being utilised by the council when you’re called in to deal with a rat problem?

We have a whole big menu of options and so we’re always trying to use the most effective option for the site. We have to make sure that it’s humane and that it’s safe for people and any other non-targets. It’s always dependent on the location of course – I have three traps in my backyard that I can handle no problem, but if you’re doing the entire Waitakere Ranges where you need 300,000 traps it’s a bit more of an ask.

We’ve been using 1080 in the Hunua Ranges and it’s super effective in those large wild areas but it’s clearly not suitable for Titirangi or downtown in Queen Street.

There were concerns from some people that the rats were in fact a conspiracy theory to encourage the use of 1080 – was that ever even on the table?

It just couldn’t happen. We have very tight controls in New Zealand over how 1080 is used. It’s a very effective toxin, and clearly there’s a lot of concern about it, but used properly it’s completely safe. That means keeping it away from houses so we have an exclusion zone of something like 200m from houses – in the Hunua Ranges any house that’s up in the bush we had to fly right around it. It’s just not possible to use it in a place like Titirangi.

People were talking about these rats being as big as cats and then the next person said they’re as big as small dogs. What are some of the bigger rats that you’ve encountered?

Well, there are two types of rats that you will see around Auckland. There are the ship rats which have a really long tail and people sometimes think that they’re big because they can see this really long tail as well as the rat, but the ones that get bigger in the body are the Norway rats. I’ve seen some pretty big Norway rats, but they’re not as big as a cat. When they’re getting into that kitten size though they are pretty scary. Those are the sort of rats I’ve seen. They’re much chunkier and they can be quite intimidating if you’re not used to seeing them.

You don’t want to see a plague of them running at you and leaping like they’re going to take you down. I know the feeling and it’s not nice, but it’s not usually the case. Usually they’ll run away. But sometimes they’re not so shy.

Have you had staff request to not be put on the rat round? What is the attitude at the coal face?

We’ve got some good, tough staff and fantastic contractors that like a challenge and yeah, sometimes the work that we do… But we’ve got all the traps and so on out and there’s a large number of rats, so it can actually be quite satisfying to get rid of them. You can really see the impact of your work. We’ve got guys out there now and you know, good luck to them. They’re are chomping at the bit.