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SocietyFebruary 28, 2018

The best of David Seymour defending the mythical sexy meat Minotaur

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Alex Casey rounds up the highlights from a very funny RNZ interview with David Seymour about his very stupid and sexist t-shirt.

Everyone knows that meat = sex. Ham steaks? They are boobs. Chicken breast? Also boobs. Sausages? Phwoar. Rump? Come ON. It is in this hot and heavy climate of carnal carnivores that David Seymour emerges through a hazy cloud of barbecue smoke, tongs at the ready and a sexy curvaceous cow-woman emblazoned proudly on his chest. He wipes his sooty brow with the back of one hand, and puffs on a cocktail sausage like a cigar with the other.

“Got meat?” he whispers.

What may have begun as a bit of sexy sizzling fun during Auckland University O Week quickly turned into a right public grilling as many internet users, human and bovine alike, questioned why David Seymour chose to be photographed wearing such a stupid, sexist t-shirt. It would seem that demeaning women by way of meat promotion is not how we do things anymore – just ask NZ Pork or any Carl’s Jr. ad ever

This morning he went on RNZ’s Morning Report with Susie Ferguson to desperately defend his couture choices and served up a smorgasbord of meaty, hilarious, confusing giblets. Here are the key learnings.  

#1 Nobody actually cares about the sex cow t-shirt you fools!

“I think you are being unfair in saying I got a roasting, maybe you were just trying to use a clever pun,” says Seymour, ‘splaining the biggest joke ‘splain that a person ever could ‘splain. Actually, as it turns out, people were “overwhelmingly supportive” of the ‘got meat?’ invitation to either have sex with or eat (or both?) a human woman who has the head of a cow. Seems fine and plausible. 

#2 The sex cow is about idolisation, not sexualisation

“Look I think there’s a couple of issues here,” David says. “One: should university students be able to form a club that has t-shirts that idolise meat?” Yes. Of course they should. In fact, they’ve managed for many, many, years to make celebratory meat t-shirts that don’t rely on the sexualisation of women. “I would go so far as to say their whole purpose is the idolisation of meat,” he concludes. Which leads me to the next learning….

#3 David Seymour might be gunning for host of Meat Idol

Say “idol” one more time mate, and you might be en route to Dombo Bowdo’s job. Could that be why the soon-to-be Dancing With the Stars contestant is squeezing in more TV time this year? Stay tuned to see a beef cheek battle it out against a pork loin, exclusively available on Triangle TV OnDemand.

#4 Well actually, there were two t-shirts

Ah yes, the two genders. Sensual cow and erotic bull. “So they’re a group of students who have produced these t-shirts, one has a silhouette of a woman the other has a silhouette of a man,” David reveals, as if men and women definitely get objectified and demeaned equally. “But you were wearing the woman t-shirt, that was a choice you made,” replies Susie. “Maybe I should have worn the male t-shirt, I don’t know,” says David, absolutely barbecued.

#5 Let the man SPEAK Susie

“Is this just a ploy to get attention and you’re exploiting this for publicity?” asks Susie. “I might do if you let me get a word in Susie,” says David, who speaks for roughly 80% of the three-minute interview.

#6 Stop trying to RUIN CLUBS, Susie

“I think the second issue here is should students be able to form clubs that idolise meat and make t-shirts like that? If you don’t think they should, I think that’s a real problem.” Yeah, SUSIE, why do you want to liquidate the sexy cow club’s t-shirt business SUSIE. This is PC (Porno Cow) gone MAD.

#7 Let’s talk about the wider context here

“Can I just say it’s rather a shame that the state broadcaster thinks this is the big issue. I’d much rather be here talking about the closure of charter schools, of which I was the architect.” “Well, put it on your t-shirt and we might be able to do it,” Susie whips back.

Hmm true. Let’s talk about charter schools instead. Let’s talk about how mean lady Susie wants to ban university clubs forever even though she doesn’t even have a minotaur head. Let’s talk about the ways we can stop politicians from getting photos with humble t-shirt producers and meat enthusiasts. Let’s talk about my lovely meat-cow-wife Britney Brisket.

#8 Finally, a leaked excerpt from David’s new book…

She fluttered her salami eyelids and licked her lips with her enormous, grey, furry tongue. Her bacon skin was glistening, her breasts were juicy and her thighs were tender. She mooed, loudly, but it didn’t matter to me. She was the most beautiful meat-cow-woman I had ever seen.”

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