A question from the stars of Bryn and Ku’s Singles Club.
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Dear Hera,
We’ve been thinking about dredging up the past with our exes recently, and need your advice. Ku’s ex is in the same industry as her, and they move in similar circles, and there’s always been some unspoken things lingering from when they dated 20 years ago. Although she’s now in a happy committed relationship with a baby on the way, she still feels like she should clear the air before moving into this new chapter of her life. But is it worth the risk to bring it all back up?
Bryn had more of a textbook amicable breakup after a long-term relationship, but similarly still sees her ex constantly around venues in Auckland. They are now good friends, so if they sit down to talk about everything again, will it make things weird? Should we just let sleeping dogs lie? And how does anyone ever get a clean break from any ex-partner in this tiny country?
Yours in confusion,
Bryn and Ku
Dear Bryn and Ku
In general, when people write in with a version of this question, my first response is usually to ask a few incisive questions, like: what are you crazy??? and can any good really come from this??? But as someone with a parasocial investment in watching the two of you dredge up your romantic histories for entertainment purposes, I can only say: hell yeah.
Most of the time, seeking closure after a break-up is a high-risk, low-reward proposition. That’s not to say it’s never worth doing. But I think a lot of people go into it with the wrong motivations or unrealistically high expectations. It’s easy to delude yourself into believing you’re “seeking closure” when you’re actually not over your ex, and are using this conversation as a way to renegotiate your breakup and haggle over the possibility of a second chance.
Equally delusional is to go in confidently anticipating a stunningly poignant and emotionally uplifting conversation that throws your past relationship into a whole new light, and leaves you both basking in a deep mutual respect.
This is one possible outcome. But if you’re going to open this family-sized can of worms, you have to be prepared to hear some unpleasant and emotionally confronting things, otherwise, why bother?
The idea of seeking ‘closure’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Most of the time, closure comes from within – being able to accept the past, taking what you can from it, and moving on. Relying on someone else to provide this meaning for you, especially if you have a chequered history, is surely an exercise in futility and disappointment.
However, it doesn’t sound like either of you are remotely hung up on your exes, but are approaching this exercise in a spirit of anthropological curiosity, rather than maudlin nostalgia.
There are definitely good things that can come from this kind of conversation. Maybe it will open the door to a deeper and more profound friendship. Maybe you will learn something interesting about yourself or your past that your ex wasn’t able to articulate at the time, or you weren’t ready to hear. You might discover new information that changes the way you see your past, or possibly even gives you a deeper insight into yourself, which you can constructively apply to your current or future relationships.
If you’re determined to wade into the emotional quagmire, the most important thing is to go in with the right attitude.
The first thing is to make sure your ex is genuinely interested in having this conversation. There’s zero point in trying to strong-arm someone into having an emotionally vulnerable dialogue about your mutual past. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it engage in a collaborative process of mutual accountability and compassionate forgiveness.
There are plenty of reasons someone might not be interested. They might see it as disrespectful to their current partner. They might hate you forever, no takebacks. They might have erased the specifics of your relationship from their working memory, to make room for more Roman Emperors. They might simply have other shit going on, and can’t be bothered to entertain the ghost of Christmas past, especially in a publicly televised format.
If they are up for it, then go for it, but temper your expectations.
If you’re residually hurt, or go in on the defensive, you probably won’t get much out of the experience, and are only going to stir up old antipathies. If you go in with a spirit of humility and curiosity, and are prepared to acknowledge your own failings, you might have better luck.
You might think you are prepared to hear anything, but realistically you have no idea what will come out of the conversation. You might discover that your ex was cheating on you, or they have a brutally unflattering or hurtful view of your various personal failings, or you were both labouring under some excruciating misunderstanding, and all the pain you experienced was for nothing.
I don’t want to be unnecessarily negative. You might have a really wonderful time and emerge with some invaluable nuggets of interpersonal wisdom that have practical relevance to your current relationship. Maybe you’re both less interested in airing old grievances, and simply want the opportunity to express gratitude to each other for the good times you shared.
Is it a good idea? You probably won’t know until you try. But if you go in with low expectations and an appropriate level of humility, I can’t see the harm in it.
But for the recently heartbroken 20-somethings reading along, wondering if they should follow your example and get back in contact with their most recent ex, with whom they had an acrimonious break up several months back, give it between three to forty-five years.
What did Bryn and Ku do? Find out in episode 4:
