I know it’s just my own insecurity, but I can’t help feeling like a consolation prize.

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Hi Hera,

When I first met my boyfriend, he was just getting over a breakup. This didn’t bother me as we both wanted something casual. I was also getting over someone and we talked a lot about our exes together. A little while later, we realised we were developing feelings for each other, and started dating.

We’ve been together for a year, and things have been great. But I’m haunted by memories of the things he said about his ex-girlfriend. I’m not against people being friends with their exes. They went through some intense stuff together, and even though they’re not regularly in contact, I know she’ll always be an important part of his life. But I can’t stop obsessing over this girl, and feeling like I’m not good enough. 

Recently, I found her Instagram account, and I can’t stop looking at her pictures. I don’t know why this is such a big deal to me, but I can’t help feeling second best. His ex is gorgeous and is probably more his physical type. She also shares a lot of his outdoor hobbies and has a cool job that I know he admires her for. I work in a crappy retail job and have a disability that makes things like tramping and climbing hard. I can’t help worrying he secretly misses her, and they’d still be together if he had the option. My sister says I should be happy he chose me, but that doesn’t really feel accurate, as she was the one who broke up with him, and I know how much it devastated him at the time. 

We’ve had a few conversations about this, where I ended up confessing some of my insecurities. He was reassuring at the time, but the feeling hasn’t gone away. It’s come up a few times since, and I can tell he’s losing patience. I don’t want to keep discussing it with him because I know it’s just my own insecurity. But I can’t help feeling like a consolation prize. 

I want to get over this feeling, but I don’t know how. This is my first serious relationship, and I really want it to work, but my jealousy has gotten so bad I almost want to break up with him, so I don’t have to think about this anymore. 

Help! 

Mrs de Winter

Dear Mrs de Winter,

In the pre-Internet era, if you wanted to discover more about your partner’s secret romantic past, you were limited to stumbling on a mysterious shoebox in the attic with perfumed envelopes and hanks of desiccated hair. These days, everyone has access to a Library of Alexandria’s worth of bikini pictures and LinkedIn profiles to torment themselves with. 

I think this sort of insecurity is common, especially if this is your first major relationship. The feelings are intense, the learning curve is steep, and your partner’s past relationships can feel daunting, especially if you haven’t had a lot of tedious romantic history of your own to give you a feeling of jaded superiority.

Maybe if you had both met outside of the context of a fresh heartbreak, you wouldn’t have discovered so many things you now wish you could erase from your brain. However, being there for one another during what was obviously a painful time for you both clearly strengthened your connection and brought you together, so there’s no point regretting it. 

If you were a little older, and your ex was a more permanent fixture in your partner’s life, I’d suggest getting to know her. There’s nothing like unmasking the Phantom of the Opera to deflate the aura of mystery and put you at ease. But it doesn’t sound like they’re still close enough for this to be appropriate. 

It goes without saying you need to stop stalking his ex. If the thought of accidentally liking one of her posts at 3am doesn’t put the fear of god into you, nothing will. But you can’t put out a fire by regularly spritzing it with gasoline. 

Right now, his ex isn’t a real person to you. She’s a girl-shaped club you’re using to bludgeon yourself with. It may feel like you’re gathering useful information by scouring her Instagram. But at the end of the day, you have no idea who this girl is. You’re in competition with a ghost of your own making. She’s Frankenstein’s monster, and you’re Dr Frankenstein. 

It’s good you were able to discuss your insecurities with your boyfriend, but I agree that after a certain point, it stops being productive. There’s a thin line between seeking reassurance and badgering your partner until they become irritated and secretive. Ask yourself: Is there any amount of information you could discover about their relationship that would make you feel truly at peace? I’m guessing the answer is no. All you’re doing by bringing up his ex in conversation, is forcing him to constantly think about her, which is the opposite of what you want. 

I think you’re right in guessing these feelings are rooted in insecurity. The best way to free yourself is to consciously build up your self-esteem, which takes a lot of patience, and can’t be accomplished overnight. But perhaps this is a good time to make a start. Sometimes when we envy others, it’s because we’re feeling lost or stuck in our own lives. These feelings of jealousy can be intensely painful, but they can also be a powerfully motivating force. You may not be able to climb mountains, but perhaps there are other areas of your life you could redirect some of this anguished energy toward, like learning a new skill or improving your social life. What would be a good next step to get you out of that job you hate? The more energy you pour into becoming a person you can feel proud of, the less threatened you’ll feel by other people’s success and happiness. 

You can also apply this sort of thinking to your relationship. Maybe you can’t walk the Tongariro Alpine Crossing together, but there are an endless number of “firsts” still left to explore. The more experiences you share and the more happy memories you rack up, the less it will feel like you’re living in someone else’s shadow. 

I think you’re working so hard to protect yourself, you’re causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain by playing Sherlock Holmes. But your strategy is only causing you needless suffering. It’s not your job to make sure your boyfriend isn’t secretly in love with his ex. Let him shoulder the burden of being a decent person. If it does turn out he’s a craven worm who is worthy of your mistrust, it will hurt. But it won’t hurt nearly as much as constantly trying to anticipate future heartbreak. You and your boyfriend are in this together, and the more trust you are able to demonstrate, the more you are likely to get back in return. 

This means making a deliberate decision to hang up the magnifying glass. 

Obviously, this is easier said than done. It sounds like you’re having difficulty stopping yourself from impulsively accessing her information, so you might need to put some content filters in place. If you can’t bring yourself to block her account, there are a lot of digital solutions, such as apps and browser add-ons, that will restrict your ability to view certain websites or pages. Don’t rely on strength of will alone. Make it easy on yourself by cutting off the source of temptation.

There are some relationships where people are tragically fixated on their exes, to the detriment of everyone involved. But nothing you’ve said gives me cause for concern. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you, and the only threat is the one you’ve invented to torment yourself with. If it’s too painful to stay, that’s your decision to make. But if you want to have romantic relationships in future, this is something you’ll likely encounter again. 

Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is one of those feelings which gets much easier with age. If you can be patient and learn to tolerate some of that discomfort now, I think it will serve you well, both in your current and any future relationships. 

Good luck.