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A collage with a swimming pool, goggles, slippers, a potted plant, and dollar symbols. Text on the left reads "The Cost of Being" against a red and green checkered background.
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SocietyJanuary 31, 2025

The cost of being: A 41-year-old Auckland renter, struggling to buy a house

A collage with a swimming pool, goggles, slippers, a potted plant, and dollar symbols. Text on the left reads "The Cost of Being" against a red and green checkered background.
Image: The Spinoff

As part of our series exploring how New Zealanders live and our relationship with money, an HR professional explains why she’s ‘anxious, but coasting’.

Want to be part of The Cost of Being? Fill out the questionnaire here.

Gender: Female.

Age: 41.

Ethnicity: Pākehā.

Role: HR professional.

Salary/income/assets: Over $90k.

My living location is: Urban.

Rent/mortgage per week: $450 per week split between two. I feel extremely lucky as I live centrally and one-bedroom units now go for $500pw. It’s basic but my landlord is good – I’ve not had a single inspection or rent rise in five years.

Student loan or other debt payments per week: Student loan takes over $300 a fortnight.

Typical weekly food costs

Groceries: I spend $150 a fortnight at the supermarket.

Eating out: I budget $30 per week but I save that up and eat somewhere nice or go to a show less than once a month.

Takeaways: $30pw.

Workday lunches: None. I work from home three days and the other two just pack lunch.

Cafe coffees/snacks: None unless someone else invites me… maybe $10 a month. I don’t do coffee but I do wander to the dairy and grab a cold drink… so $8 per week.

Other food costs: $10pw for my garden (eight pots).

Savings: Including retirement, travel and house deposit I put away about $1,300 a fortnight.

I worry about money: Always.

Three words to describe my financial situation: Anxious, but coasting. (I have a house deposit but because I’m single and live in Auckland I’m struggling to buy a home which is where the anxiety comes in. I have plenty of money but no real security or freedom because I’m renting.)

My biggest edible indulgence would be: Celebrations. I have to have a dedicated fund for them because I will buy the best wine and food for special occasions.

In a typical week my alcohol expenditure would be: Most weeks nothing but if I average out Christmas, New Year’s, birthdays, holidays and crappy Tuesdays, $20 per week. I tend to restock my wine and cocktail cart at Christmas.

In a typical week my transport expenditure would be: $20 petrol, $15 bus.

I estimate in the past year the ballpark amount I spent on my personal clothing (including sleepwear and underwear) was: $1,200. I budget annually and deduct a set amount from each pay. Last year I spent the full $1,200 but it did include skincare, jewellery, shoes, underwear and clothing.

My most expensive clothing in the past year was: $250 on ankle boots.

My last pair of shoes cost: $25 on some ballet flats.

My grooming/beauty expenditure in a year is about: $90. I cut my hair at home and receive a skincare subscription.

My exercise expenditure in a year is about: $100 pool fees. I’ve been battling a chronic illness and long Covid for a couple of years now so haven’t been back to the gym since 2020, but on good weeks I do head to the pool in winter and beach in summer.

My last Friday night cost: $15, bottle of wine bought on sale at Christmas plus $80 for my share of the Airbnb we stayed at.

Most regrettable purchase in the last 12 months was: I always regret takeaways.

Most indulgent purchase (that I don’t regret) in the last 12 months was: Investing in a good dietitian, they have been amazing and have really guided well on the best ways to take care of myself while managing chronic illnesses.

One area where I’m a bit of a tightwad is: Rent. I’m not moving till I buy because it’s cheap, even though I desperately want a garden and cat.

Five words to describe my financial personality would be: Balanced, fun, structured, anxious.

I grew up in a house where money was: Managed by my mother. She taught me how to plan and save while not being too strict. She also gave us the basics around debt and investing. My father is more of a wild card. He can make money hand over fist but it does also just slip through his fingers. But they are both generous and spend money on others.

The last time my Eftpos card was declined was: Can’t recall. I don’t swipe without knowing exactly how much is my account.

In five years, in financial terms, I see myself: As a homeowner rebuilding my KiwiSaver.

Describe your financial low: About 15 years ago I was pretty much homeless. I had left a bad relationship and was too proud to let people know how much I was struggling mentally and why. I eventually moved home to regroup but for six months prior just floated from couch to couch and spent a couple of nights in my car.

I would love to have more money for: A cleaner. I hate housework, it makes me want to stab myself in the face. I hired a cleaner once last year when I was really struggling with my health and my boyfriend was away… it was not relaxing, I felt guilty the whole time she was there.

I give money away to: Family, friends who are fundraising, charities that support women, mental health and food banks.

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Calum Henderson
— Production editor
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SocietyJanuary 30, 2025

Help Me Hera: I can’t make a decision to save my life

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My chronic indecision renders me incapable of making radical changes. How do I find a happy medium?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

I’m a real overthinker, and I’m often struck down by indecision between doing things all one way or the other. It’s never small things; this only applies to big, scary questions. Should I be kind to everybody, or should I prioritise myself all the time? Should I accept my seemingly perpetual singleness, or spend my time seeking out a partner? Should I throw my phone out the window or decide I’m doomed to scroll forever?

I recognise that more options exist than, say, eating chocolate three meals a day or becoming an Olympian, but both of these poles have magnetic appeal for me. As a result, I can’t choose, so I just… don’t change anything. This problem is especially bad when I realise that I’m incapable of radical changes, but the reason I want them is because continuing the way I am right now isn’t working for me.

In the interest of getting a degree I’ve just moved across the country to study, I need to manage this indecision paralysis somehow. So I suppose my question is: can I ever find the happy middle? Does it even exist? And if it does, how on Earth do I find it?

Yours,

Vacillating

A line of dark blue card suit symbols – hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades

Dear Vacillating,

You describe yourself as a real overthinker, which seems appropriate because you’re definitely overthinking this. 

Recently I was reading to my niece from John Burningham’s excellent picture book, Would You Rather? The book poses a number of hypothetical questions, ranging from the morbid to the ecstatic. I don’t have the book on me now, but the questions go something like: would you rather be captured by a horde of angry baboons, or drink a teacup full of cat sick? Would you rather live in a noisy houseboat with a goat who plays the trumpet or curl up a cosy badger cave? Even from a young age, there’s a real joy in choosing things and making grandiose statements about who you are and what you love.

However, the examples you provide as proof of your chronic indecision are strange because they’re not really things you can “decide”. Most terminally indecisive people are stuck on practical questions: should I go back to law school, or use my savings to travel? Should I start IVF or open a boutique surfwear shop? They are so paralysed by possibility, they can’t take a step in either direction. They aren’t asking themselves things like “should I be kind to everyone for the rest of my life?” Most of the hypothetical choices you mention are beyond the power of executive decision-making and have more in common with getting a sudden railway spike through your temporal lobe. Even if you wanted to work on being kinder to others, I wouldn’t describe that as a “decision”. It’s more of a general philosophical commitment, rather than a one-time, concrete action.

It’s not stupid or futile to aspire to be kinder. But being kind and prioritising yourself aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Neither is embracing and enjoying your single life, while also hoping for a great love affair. I’m sure even great Olympians occasionally eat their own body weight in chocolate. 

What I find interesting about your letter, is that you describe these decisions you can’t seem to make, and yet at the end of your letter you casually mention that you want to get a handle on this because you’ve just moved cities to study. That’s like saying you need to get serious about your fitness because the 10K you run every morning is making you exhausted. Moving to a new city to study is an incredibly bold decision, and one many truly indecisive people would be in awe of. You may not have officially decided whether or not to cut down on your screen time, but compared to relocating to pursue an education, it seems unimportant. Your letter is excellent proof that you are capable of bold and decisive action. 

I don’t think you’re really indecisive. I think you’re having a completely normal and developmentally appropriate existential panic. You sound like someone on a quest for meaning, agonising over what sort of person to be in the world. I think this is a healthy and normal agony to have. We spend the first half of our lives aligning ourselves to various belief systems and niche interests and telling ourselves stories about the kind of people we are (I would rather conduct an orchestra of mice than clean a dragon’s teeth) and then the second half of our lives challenging those preconceptions and learning to live in peace with the aspects of our personalities we can’t shake. I can understand your urgency to achieve peace and clarity about who you are and what you want. I think that‘s something that everyone has felt, at one time in their life. But the only way to figure it out is through trial and error. 

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Duncan Greive
— Founder

It seems to me that you’re in exactly the right place, asking exactly the right questions. Because these questions aren’t stopping you from actually doing things with your life, you should entertain them at your leisure, without worrying about being wishy-washy. Part of the fun of learning to be an adult is simply having the freedom to try things out. Don’t spend months worrying about whether or not to get rid of your phone, simply give it a try. Sometimes the only way to know who you are is to put different strategies into practice and feel your way through. If you want to be kinder to people, give it an honest go, and see what you discover. Is it harder than you thought? Do people react differently to you? These experiences might completely upend your life. They also might not.

Trying things on for size, whether that’s Quakerism or going to raves, is not only the best way to make an informed decision about your time on this planet, it’s also a pleasure and a privilege. Reinvent yourself every month if you need to. Eventually, you’ll naturally arrive at the person you were always meant to be in exactly the same way that everyone else does – through an agonising and non-linear process of trial and error. Hopefully, you’ll make some important discoveries about yourself along the way, or at least accumulate a few good stories. 

Stop thinking of these big questions as decisions you should be making and start thinking of them as avenues of exploration. Don’t get too hung up on being a “type of person”. I promise this will eventually happen to you, whether or not you want it to, so don’t be in too much of a hurry. Go vegan. Join the French Foreign Legion. Take up the saxophone, and see where it leads. Most people aren’t born on this earth knowing who they are, so you might as well have a little fun along the way. One day – sooner than you think – it will be too late. 

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