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The Sunday EssayFebruary 25, 2024

The Sunday Essay: Mrs Chippy, the polar-exploring tom cat

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Some thoughts about cats, death and remembering, and the changing nature of stories. 

The Sunday Essay is made possible thanks to the support of Creative New Zealand.

From time to time, I go walking in Karori Cemetery. It’s only a few blocks from my home, a rare carless space, home to established trees and the birds that nest in them, and beneath all that, the dead. 

It was the city’s primary cemetery for decades, so I have come to think of it as the Wellington of 1905, of 1922 and 1957 and every other year between and after, until Makara Cemetery opened in 1965. This mingling of decades means it contains the same architectural mishmash as the streets outside. There are the looming ornaments the Victorians seemingly loved: obelisks and pillars, stone anchors and angels, the stark headstones of war veterans, the neat plaques set just below the lawn from the decades when death was made tidy and regular, and the occasional vault, which gives me the creeps. 

Even among all this, the cat is unusual. The bronze statue of Mrs Chippy the cat rests on the grave of Harry McNish, his former owner (yes, “his”: despite the name, Mrs Chippy was a tom). Both were members of Ernest Shackleton’s team during his famous attempt to cross Antarctica. The small statue is to scale, a good depiction of catness; that curious mix of simultaneously relaxed and alert, about to either nod off or spring up at any moment. 

Shackleton’s was an expedition thwarted before it properly began. His ship, with Mrs Chippy aboard, became stuck and was eventually crushed by ice floes. Shackleton and his men marched across the ice, hauling lifeboats behind them and camping on drifting ice floes before taking to the sea. They made it to an island off the coast of the continent, and from there a smaller group traveled across open ocean in one of those lifeboats to seek help at a whaling colony. 

On its own original terms, the expedition was a failure. It also lacked the doomed heroism of Scott’s attempt at the Pole or the efficiency of Amundsen’s first arrival there. But in the years since, Shackleton has achieved irreversible hero status. A book written by journalist Alfred Lansing in the 1950s, Endurance, helped this along, recasting the story in that great literary form, the ripping yarn. 

Shackleton’s own account, written earlier to help recoup the costs of his expedition, has the feel of a ship’s log, lingering on details about ocean currents, provisions and coordinates. Lansing wisely shifts the focus, highlighting the incredible feat of endurance and survival, and I read Endurance over several evenings one winter, each description of men huddled on ice floes in sleeping bags of decaying reindeer hide making my own bed seem that much cosier. 

Since Endurance was published, the story has grown and the retellings have self-seeded. Yet another Shackleton biography was published the year before last, and the man has become beloved of students of leadership; a pinup for the Linkedin crowd. There exist a number of books on how his leadership style might apply to the corporate world. Jacinda Ardern counts Lansing’s book as her favourite.

It is in this mining of the story, the finding of new seams, that we have struck upon the cat. He is mentioned but not named in Shackleton’s account, although a long list of dogs’ names is provided. These names are offered as evidence of his men’s personalities and senses of humour, and the dogs are working beasts, part of the equipment. Lansing, more alert to the makings of a good story, includes the cat’s name, Mrs Chippy, and the reason for it: McNish was the ship’s carpenter (or “chippy”), and the cat followed him around closely, the two as inseparable as a married couple. In 1997, a novel was written from the perspective of the cat. A children’s book about him was published in 2021. 

This process of discovery, the enlarging of the story, has happened to McNish himself. Shackleton had little to say about the man, mostly referring to him only as “the carpenter”. He was resistant to Shackleton’s authority, at one point directly questioning his leadership, and it turns out the great man held a grudge: despite McNish’s efforts in modifying the boats that would enable their survival, he was one of only four members of the crew who Shackleton would never nominate for the Polar Medal. 

McNish worked for the merchant navy on his return and in later life moved to New Zealand, leaving a wife and several children behind. Here he worked on the docks until injury forced him out of that job, and he lived destitute, sleeping in wharf sheds for a time. When he died in 1930, he was buried without a headstone, and it was almost 30 years later – the year Lansing’s book was published – that this oversight was remedied. The New Zealand Antarctic Society brought McNish back into the story with a headstone that makes note of his role on the expedition, even if his name was spelt incorrectly. The postscript, Mrs Chippy, was added in 2004; the story sufficiently enlarged by then to take in the cat.

As with all cats, there is little we know about Mrs Chippy but much we like to say. That he was a heroic cat who climbed the ship’s rigging and jumped from rope to rope while the team sailed through Antarctic waters (once he fell overboard and needed rescuing; the ship’s biologist scooping him up with his sample net.) That he was a loyal cat, attached to the carpenter. Finally, that he was a tragic cat: when it came time to abandon their ship and set out into the snow, Shackleton decided that the ‘weaklings’ – the cat and the dogs who were no longer useful – were extraneous and likely to take from their efforts. They were all shot one day on the ice. 

I’m not the only one to go walking in this cemetery. I often see joggers and dogwalkers, and a group called Friends of Karori Cemetery spruce up the graves and take groups on tours every so often. Barbara Mulligan is one of their guides, stopping at graves that tell some story from the past and pausing occasionally to take in what she regarded as some of the “best vistas” in the place. I emailed her some questions about Mrs Chippy. His statue is the most popular destination in the cemetery, she told me; she’s “constantly asked for directions” to his gravesite. I have seen flowers at the cat’s feet, a collar placed around its neck, and a small sachet of Whiskers left as an offering. By contrast, McNish’s headstone has been bare every time I’ve gone near it. 

It was this that drew me to this subject: the thought of the cat taking the glory and the relative lack of interest in his owner. A case of modern sentimentality, I wondered, something there was no room for in polar exploration. They had started with so much stuff: Burberry coats and scientific equipment, musical instruments and a set of encyclopaedias. Gradually these items were jettisoned, left in the snow, until each man was wearing their only set of clothes, carrying just what they needed to survive. Pages were ripped from the encyclopaedias to roll cigarettes. The cat did not survive the winnowing process. Emotions would surely need to be pared back too. The most famous lines in Antarctic history are Captain Oates’ last words, “I am going out and may be some time,” stoic and factual as he walked to his death. This was the way to face this place, itself the barest, most stripped back of landscapes. 

Leeroy, our tabby, is in the room as I write this. I have shared rooms with cats for as long as I can remember. In childhood, Kitty then Min. Mama Puss, who came with a flat I rented but left with me. And now Leeroy. Their lives have marked these eras of mine. 

So often, I’ve had the experience I have now of looking enviously at a cat as they stretch out, making sleep look like a debauch while I labour away on a late-night assignment. Envy without resentment, because there is always something reassuring about a cat in the room. Life less lonely. Their love given without prejudice – your bad breath and grating personality no issue to them – yet never given entirely, their aloofness contributing to the feeling that what love they do show you has been earned; is yours. 

I miss every one of those cats. From time to time I look at Leeroy, who came into our life as a kitten, and I am unhappy to notice he’s older now, heavier, his fur frowsy and his movements a little slower. One day I will need to say goodbye. Their lives, even the longest lived, are only ever too short a portion of ours. I dread finding myself one day in the vet’s office, faced with a version of McNish’s dilemma: the operation too costly, the results uncertain. A dread that makes moot my worry about sentimentality. 

Emotion rarely takes the ‘appropriate’ path, the approved route. It leads sometimes to cats, even when they have gone and left us without ever saying a word. Few of us have the stoicism of the polar explorer. Not even them. Harry McNish’s diary is equanimous following Mrs Chippy’s death: “I had to part with my pet Misses Chippie the day after we left the ship. I was hurt but I knew it was impossible to take her with us.” 

But I’ve also come across an anecdote shared by a man named Baden Norris, himself an Antarctic veteran. As a young child, Norris and his father visited McNish in Wellington. Despite his age, Norris remembered what he heard McNish saying and told of it often. “Shackleton shot my cat.” The cat had been killed more than a decade earlier. McNish was still wounded. 

I’m reminded of something else: the block of flats where I once worked as a gardener. A young woman lived alone in one of the flats, and one day I was told she had committed suicide in the shed where I kept my tools. When I next went to tidy the garden at that flat someone had stuffed a bunch of flowers into the handle of the shed’s roller door. It was all desperately sad, pathetic in the older meaning of the word. I knew very little about her; she was polite but seemed distracted whenever I came by to mow the lawn or clip the hedges. But I knew she once owned a cat. 

In the garden behind those flats, the woman had stuck a small wooden cross in the dirt. After she died, her flat was repainted and other people moved in; the flowers in the roller door dried out and eventually disappeared. But the cross remained; something of hers that at least had some shape and suggested things familiar: rooms less empty, silences broken and made reassuring by a purr. 

I weeded around it, left it in the ground until it came time for me to move on. It will be gone now I’m sure, but I can note it here, let it linger in this way.

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Alice Neville
— Deputy editor
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The Sunday EssayFebruary 18, 2024

The Sunday Essay: Will I hurt my baby?

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Madeleine Holden writes about her agonising first year of motherhood.

The Sunday Essay is made possible thanks to the support of Creative New Zealand.

This essay contains descriptions of violence against children. For information about postnatal depression and resources that can help, click here.


We arrive at the zoo bang on opening and travel clockwise against the crowd. The whole northwestern quarter is empty, dozens of enclosures ours for the taking. I push your stroller across wooden planks by a trickling river. The golden marmosets blaze orange in the morning sun, so close you could stroke them. 

I pull you out of your stroller and stand holding your fat, warm body in my arms. Tiny monkeys peer back at us with small, scrunched faces. I nuzzle your hair with my nose, soft as rabbit fur. Glancing down at the ground in the marmosets’ enclosure, I spot the sleek, brown body of a ship rat. Rattus rattus. 

When we took you home from the hospital as a newborn, the midwife on duty plied us with fliers. One contained a checklist to work through if you wouldn’t stop crying. Cuddle your baby. Try offering a feed again. Change the nappy if it is wet or dirty. “You’ve got to read this,” she told us. “Some parents can’t handle the crying. We have babies come in here with head injuries all the time.” 

When you cried at home, inconsolable, I was mugged by thoughts of those babies. Raging parents hurling little bodies at the wall. Shaking tiny shoulders. Soft skulls cracking like melons on concrete. 

This was an ego defence, my psychotherapist told me. I imagined other people hurting their babies, but somewhere deep down, the violent impulse was my own. 

The flamingos are jabbering in their enclosure, candy-floss pink. Some flap their wings and crane long necks, others perch on single, spindly legs, asleep. Gorgeous, absurd creatures. The babies, I’m surprised to see, are grey. 

A zookeeper marches po-faced from a hut and throws a bucket of kibble in a dirt trough. It looks like the same supermarket crap you leave out for your cat, and none of the flamingos move. The keeper returns to his hut, looking miffed. 

I find the whole scene hilarious, but your attention is elsewhere: a handful of hens are pecking around underfoot, and you’re captivated by them. Gorgeous, absurd creatures to you, I suppose. Behind us, three lions bask in the sun, sharp teeth in yawning jaws. 

When you were three months old, we watched the sun set over the horizon at Muriwai Beach. It was a freezing evening and you were miserable, screaming for 90 minutes straight. We ran through our usual checks: not hungry, not cold, not soiled, not tired. What else did it say on the list? We rocked you. We sang lullabies. We swaddled you in big cotton squares. Still you screamed. 

My shoulder muscles were so tense they felt close to snapping. I’d given everything I could give. Please stop crying, I begged. Please. “Should we leave her alone to cry for a bit?” I ventured. “No,” he replied. 

He held you as you wailed. We swapped when he could take no more, then we swapped back. An eternity like this, a tiny eon, until finally your cries subsided. 

How could I do it without him? How do people do it without someone like him? 

In the swamp forest dome, a freshwater crocodile lies pressed against the glass, as still as if she were dead. You play in a puddle beneath her enclosure. Orchids drape overhead and tropical fish dart in the tank. I peer close to the glass and marvel at her huge scales, sweating in the artificial heat. 

In a sudden splashing frenzy, the crocodile jerks and whips around, scuttling into the pool. I startle violently and my heart thumps. You’re still playing right by the glass. 

When you were four months old, I visited a neighbour across the hall, a Turkish woman with kind, brown eyes. Her five-year-old, Bella, had colic as a baby. We drank milky tea and chatted about how hard motherhood is. “Bella would cry and cry,” she told me, “and I’d just cry with her.”

Back home in our apartment that day, I read an old New Yorker article about colic, lingering over a pair of sentences. The only lasting negative consequence of colic is child abuse, a professor of paediatrics was quoted as saying, and almost all cases of shaken-baby syndrome are caused by crying. The article said 20% of babies might have colic. 

Later, when you were screaming in my arms, I imagined the global population of colicky babies screaming too. Millions and millions of them. Millions of tiny, soft bodies screaming hot, wet tears. Millions of mothers sobbing while their babies wail. Please don’t hurt them. Please don’t.

I push your stroller through the Aotearoa High Country. We enter a large, open aviary ringed with ferns, a thin waterfall trickling through scrubby rocks. On the concrete path is an olive-green kea, marching right at us. 

At first I’m delighted, but as he approaches, I become nervous. He’s arm’s reach from your stroller and bold, so I scuttle us back out the exit. I’ve already read the sign. Kea sometimes feed on the fat of live sheep, tearing through the skin on their backs.  

After you were born, every case of child abuse I know about surfaced from the recesses of my brain, a whole bank of tormenting visions stretching back to 1987. Some of these kids made the news, plenty didn’t. Baby Moko. Nia Glassie. My grandfather in the bath. Greg’s cellmate. Blood, piss and bruises. A pāua shell slicing soft flesh. Her mother, her mother, and hers, taking turns to break their babies. 

I am not like these monsters. I am not like my forebears. Am I?

I decided it was time to really get into meditation. An app I listened to while you napped said thoughts aren’t to be taken seriously. They strut into view like models on a catwalk, twirl briefly, then recede. You should no sooner identify with your thoughts than with a pain in your knee, and they will surely pass. Watch them cross the sky of your mind like clouds. 

So I did. I watched babies hitting walls. Babies hitting floors. Babies breaking soft little limbs. Baby Nia tumbling in the clothes dryer. Round and round. 

The Sumatran tiger snoozes in the grass, pregnant. The zookeeper tells a semicircle of delighted visitors there are two spines visible on the ultrasound. She’s slower than usual, he says, much sleepier. A mother pushing a pram makes a knowing joke, and we all laugh. 

None of us know it yet, but the first cub will be stillborn. The second will be killed by its mother. 

When you were five months old, my friend visited us in our apartment, a radiant doctor pregnant with her third child. You slept in your bouncer, eyelashes pressed against fat cheeks. We ate fresh spring rolls and chatted about how hard motherhood is. 

When we got to the subject of all the crying, my friend told me that when her babies wouldn’t stop screaming, she sometimes felt the urge to throw them across the room. This admission shocked and touched me. I felt a flash of fury, then guilt, then gratitude. The worst I’d heard from any other parent was vague, hushed murmurings about the baby blues. I admitted to her the same.  

I relayed all this to my psychotherapist. If you can picture yourself throwing your screaming baby across the room, I asked her, what separates you morally from the people who do? The fact that you don’t actually do it, she replied. It was a bright line and I accepted it. My thoughts can’t hurt my baby, I reassured myself. My brutal visions are, apparently, common. The difference between people who hurt little kids and me is they snap and lose control. So don’t snap.

Shhhhhh. It’s OK, baby. Shhh shhh shhh. Shhhhhhh. Come on. It’s all right. Shhh shhh shhh. Shhhhhh. Come on, baby. It’s OK. Shhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhh. Shhh shhh shhh. Please, baby. Shhhhhhhh. Come on. Shhhhhh. Shhh shhh shhh. You’re OK. Come on. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhhh. That’s enough. Shhh. Please. That’s enough. 

The Tasmanian devil is splayed out on a slab of concrete, sunbathing like a house cat. Diamond doves and crimson rosella chirp in the aviary next door. Next to us is a sign about devil facial tumour disease, a rare contagious cancer. Monstrous growths transform the infected animal’s face, and victims starve or die of organ failure. 

I look back at the present specimen sprawled serenely in dappled sunlight, her coat glossy black. You’re in your stroller watching a flitting sparrow, small and sweet.

My psychotherapist loves Freud and I would follow her through hell, so I checked out an old, tan volume of his works from the library. She had relayed some of his ideas about ego defences and repression, but I needed to get it from the horse’s mouth.

This is what Freud said. When a patient represses an instinctual impulse, “it ramifies like a fungus in the dark, and takes on extreme forms of expression”. Translated and revealed to the conscious mind of the patient, these impulses “are bound not merely to seem alien to him, but to terrify him”. 

I understood, then, that I have my own monstrous growth; a fungus ramifying in the dark of my psyche. One more question for my therapist: How do I kill it off? 

Your mind is like an ecosystem, she told me. Look at the whole thing. The tall, rooted tree of conviction that children should be safe. The primal drive for life; the birthright of all creatures. The deep, clear pools of love. The fungus in its place, threading and symbiotic. And the sunlight, beaming in. 

The fur seal tank is like a movie screen; vast, moody and blue. Bubbles rise in thick bands and forest-green moss coats the floor. Usually the seals swim in graceful loops, slick bellies swooping by the glass. Today, they’re nowhere to be seen.

One night, I dream you’re the size of a Coke can and I’m holding you across my palms. You turn to sand and start slipping through my fingers. I wake with a start and find you sound asleep next to me, fresh baby breath escaping your rosebud lips. 

For months and months, I don’t sleep. Some weeks you wake hourly in the night. I move through the world in a molasses-thick fog of fatigue, irritable and desolate. My nerves are frayed like an old lightning cable. I’m brittle.

You’re screaming, really screaming. Uvula vibrating and cheeks burning red. You writhe in my arms, inconsolable. The visions start rushing. Babies screaming, parents snapping. Babies screaming, parents snapping. Limbs snapping. Don’t snap, don’t snap, don’t snap.

But I’m so brittle. 

In the end, this is what fortifies me. Two sisters, always there, and then two more. Citalopram and sapa sui. A psychotherapist who saw my fungus and didn’t flinch; who saw the trees and pools, too. Mothers who were honest with me, truly honest, and a few fathers. The meals that showed up at the door. Everyone who helped.

Hearing him sing lullabies in his mother tongue and watching your eyelids grow heavier. Feeling the warm, soft heft of you in my arms, heavier than yesterday. 

I march through the Aotearoa Wetlands, retracing our steps in search of a dropped shoe. You’re wailing in your stroller and tugging at your gums. I perch on a slab of dry rock, pull you to me and nurse. You stop crying and suckle happily. You’re one now. I gaze into your dark eyes, encircled by wet lashes, and you gaze back. O oe o la’u pele moni. You are my true love.

‘He mea tautoko nā ngā mema atawhai. Supported by our generous members.’
Liam Rātana
— Ātea editor

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