This is Auckland, where new money meets old. Alex Casey is going to try and laugh at The Real Housewives of Auckland through her weekly power rankings – because if we can’t laugh then all we have is the void. Click here for previous instalments.
Holy shit. Between this episode and The Waitangi Dildo, 2016 is shaping up to be the strongest year for sex toys in New Zealand history. Real Housewives turned as blue as the sumptuous oceans of Angela Stone’s Tourism New Zealand campaign this week, and I was absolutely here for it.
Everyone was screaming for the whole episode about sexual propositions, dick sizes and vibrators – it was fully unleashed like Marley going for a walk down Paritai Drive. Allow me to continue my musings via the ancient art of ye power rankings, starting with number one:
1) THE UNWARRANTED DINNER COCK RING
Don’t you hate it when you are sitting around with your girlfriends and one of them pulls out their husband’s manky COCK RING and then TURNS IT ON FULL BLAST and then you are randomly compelled TO TOUCH IT with your BARE HANDS?
Call the midwife. Call your girlfriend. Call the police. This truly is the greatest show in all of history.
2) Léa the PA
Sacre bleu, Léa got le pwned this week. First of all, she had to tolerate Angela asking her the most patronising questions of all time whilst house-hunting:
If that wasn’t stressful enough, Léa was then shut in a ghost lift inside a St Helier’s mansion like some sort of crappy M Night Shyamalan B-side. “Get in the lift Léa,” Angela growled:
After shotting back some coloured liquids with Angela’s healer, you’d think Léa might be ready to break some baguettes again. Non. Next up for her was a SMALL CAR ACCIDENT. Not a huge accident, just like a ‘could get me out of my hellish hostage situation via the sweet sanctuary of the hospital’ accident.
Understandably shaken, Léa was hesitant to get back on the road again. But Angela had other plans…
Thank god for Anne, who reached out to Léa in her native tongue.
3) Anne Batley-Burton
A massively risqué week for Anne, from asking Angela “voulez vous couche avec moi?”, to touching Julia’s cock ring, to referring to Michelle as “the little black lady.” That could well be the ‘Black Doris’ of 2016, just by the way. Cuddly Bear knows.
Anne also revealed more of her sharpened views on gender politics, including that having a husband without money is a “jolly pain” and that for a woman to pay for a man is “not appropriate.” At that moment, my boyfriend walked in the door with my KFC dinner and I realised that I basically live at Goose Creek.
Speaking of appropriate-ness, Anne got super rarked up at Julia’s sex toy extravaganza. “I thought a cock ring was something to do with a rooster” she said, barely blinking. Despite her flirty French ways, Anne believes that people don’t need gadgets in the bedroom, you just need “the charisma and the wang dang doodle.”
Damn, Anne is so classy she didn’t even realise that she made the pun of the episode:
4) Julia Sloane
Julia climbs to controversial place in the power rankings this week due to her steadfast commitment to throwing sex toys in everyone’s face like we were actually watching The Real Steven Joyce of Auckland.
Before she went mad at the D.Vice liquidation sale, Sloane whipped out a pretty incredible Louise Wallace impression at their acting (fine) lesson with the guy from Housebound.
Julia had it in for Louise this week, stressing out so much about her coming to the vineyard that she shattered a wine glass. But not to worry, Julia’s vineyard is waaayyy bigger than Louise’s holiday home, therefore Julia wins because those are the RULES by which we LIVE BY.
“She’s only got a little batch on the beach,” Julia spat. Pah! Peasant! Now if you’ll excuse me, my kitchen bench is rotting and I have to stop my cat eating it because we can’t afford another vet bill.
I’ll give her this, she’s single-handedly done a hell of a lot for women and sex toy representation on screen in this country. I just never, ever want to see her husbands cock ring – or eat calamari – ever again.
5) Gilda Kirkpatrick
This week we found out that Gilda has her own personal chef called Anthony, who whips up totally casual meat and two veg type affairs like this:
While that might look like gross utter shit yuck get it away from me, Gilda couldn’t quite keep the working class completely at bay. We found out that she doesn’t even have a p.a. And look what I spotted, IT’S ONLY PAM’S BLOODY BAKING PAPER:
Celebs, they really are like us. Continuing with the cooking theme, Gilda found out this week that “sometimes oil and water just don’t mix” after deciding to meet up with Angela for a tense cup of coffee and some incredible eye lasers.
6) Michelle
Michelle rocks a lot this week and here is why:
Also a huge shout out to Gilda’s personal design team for positioning this beautiful mis-en-scene right behind Michelle’s back. We all know she is the mother of daggers:
7) Louise Wallace
For an actor from one of the most prestigious drama schools in England, Louise’s impression of Gilda was pretty shonky.
Otherwise, Louise kept it pretty low-key this week. Low key as in, stormed out of the room wearing 300 different Louis Vuitton bags to her flash car that looks like an alien artifact.
At least she doesn’t make noises like an alien, because that would be weird…
8) Angela Stone
Angela gets last again this week after she took us all, holding our head in our hands to stop the room spinning at the news that average Auckland house costs $1 MILLION DOLLARS, shopping for a lovely home in St Helier’s. “I was thinking somewhere in the sevens” she said. I don’t think her version of “sevens” means vomiting into your shoe outside the Cake Tin whilst dressed like a bunch of sexy grapes.
Seven. Million. Dollars. “I just want a family home in a *nice* neighbourhood” she grinned, before locking Léa in the lift as she realised that probably sounded quite racist.
This week Angela also told us that she has been “a dancer all my life” aka I hope she’s fused flash dance with MC hammer shit…
Angela took Léa to Petit Bocal for a touch of France, God knows she’s going out of her way because Sandringham is WAYYY too povo for this lot. Their delicious café latte was not enough to end her sadness re: her squashed car though, and she shed a tear on the shoulder of the panel beater.
Angela took Gilda out for coffee to yell at her for 100 years about how she is a brand – like BIC or SheWee – and has a new book out called How To Be Real. She also said this…
Her final swansong came when she barked “how are you judgementing??” to Gilda. Lmao, very lethargic.
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