Alex Casey crunches the numbers on the new Married at First Sight NZ contestants and returns with some shocking predictions.
Ahhh, time. She’s a fickle mistress. She’s a relationship-ruining text sent from your Nokia 3315 to the person that the text was about. She’s a pig that’s nicked your toothpaste, slipping through your fingers as you chase it through your scuzzy flat.
It truly feels like only yesterday that Ben was screaming “SHUT IT” at Hayden across the dinner table, Neil was leaving a surprise poo in the flat loo, and Andrew was wearing shorts with money print on them and refusing to have his hair cut. What a bloody time.
The first season of Married at First Sight NZ will surely be remembered as one of the most explosive, spectacular chapters of reality romance this country has ever seen, all DM scandals, hidden camera scandals, Tinder scandals and eventually, court proceedings. All the while, Brett and Angel grinned and laughed in a bubble bath while the world burned around them.
So what is Three going to do this time around? How will we ever match the dizzying heights and crushing lows of season one? I have scoured the bios of the brave new tributes for clues and here are my extremely scientific, cosmic, expert findings.
The Garden City will blossom
Let love bloom in yonder fertile Garden City hearts, for a whopping five of the 12 contestants hail from Christchurch this season. Makes a nice change from the slew of Aucklanders sliding down the divorce drain last year. But why the shift down South? My own Christchurch source cites “the romance of the plains.” That’s just science.
Sagittarians in the house tonight
With three Sagittarians walking down the telly aisle, I consulted the stars to see what Married at First Sight NZ has in store for our archers of the heart. According to the Sagittarius Marriage Horoscope, “singles inclined to get married will have to wait till Venus becomes visible on the horizon.” Venus will attain its greatest brilliancy on Sept 20 and babies are predicted by Sagittarians for November. Aka honeymoon period. More science there.
Promising social media presences
First of all, there’s Samuel Levi, who is already a prominent Auckland social influencer and friends with every single reality star that has ever graced the viaduct. He will undoubtedly have amazing Insta-stories when he sits down for a few wines with season one’s Ben Blackwell when the drama kicks off. Monique has already thrown around an accusation of fake news on her Instagram, and Wayne looks to be more fully fuckin’ hectic online than his motorsport loving bio promises. Get in on the ground floor IMO.
Gollum is back, baby
Fraser has clearly been analysing reality TV policy, including Jordan Mauger’s heart-stopping Gollum impersonation during season two of The Bachelor NZ. C’mon, let’s go to the impression party. Which leads me nicely to my next point.
Who will be the Troy of MAFS NZ 2018?
There’s a lot to thank Married at First Sight Australia for, but the top of the list has surely got to be Troy – the tuna-eating, tooth-brushing, Jim Carrey-looking nightmare. Having a Troy is now an essential, urgent part of the casting process. Will it be Dave, “a sometimes comedian” or the aforementioned Fraser, who is threatening “several” more accents aside from Gollum? Or will it definitely, definitely be Wayne MacKintosh, with his “jokester exterior” aka a loud, loud, loud shirt. I simply can’t wait to find out.
Celebrity marriage?
“Ksenia is a lover of all things outdoors with an insatiable lust for life, whose heart would be set aflutter by a buff, funny Kiwi bloke with a nice smile… Her favourite place in the world is Waiheke Island and she loves a good cooked brekkie.” There’s only one man for Ksenia, and he’s sadly already hitched.
Bio reality-isms bode well
Fashion man and social influencer Samuel Levi takes the cake with this one, with his bio hitting the big three as he has “finally put himself first, let his guard down and open himself up to love.” That’s one “right reasons” away from a jackpot, which seems promising for his place in the romance reality canon. All he has to do next is wear his heart on his sleeve (like Yuki) and tear down the walls as he takes the first step on this journey.