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Pop CultureJanuary 20, 2018

Mr Telly is the funniest, angriest letters section in New Zealand

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Sam Brooks defies the ancient wisdom ‘never read the comments’ and goes deep into nine weeks of the TV Guide’s Mr Telly letters.

Since the beginning of time, there have always been internet comments, whether they were some dude ring-a-dinging a bell in a town square, Martin Luther hammering a bunch of complaints to the front door of a church or the more traditional letters to the editor.

But even as methods of complaining have evolved, some of the older ones stay around. I bring you: Mr Telly.

Mr Telly is the letters to the editor section of the TV Guide. I have clear memories of reading these letters with glee when I went to my grandmother’s house – there would be letters demanding new seasons of shows that had been long cancelled, asking why people didn’t dress properly to read the news and the ever-important screeds about TVNZ moving Coro again.

For some reason, Mr Telly exists in the year of our lord 2018. So you don’t have to, I’ve rounded up the common elements from the Mr Telly section for your perusal. Some of them warm the cockles of your heart, but mostly, it just reminds you that people everywhere have garbage and strange opinions; the internet just made it easier to express them.

Without further ado, Mr Telly.

Letter Writers with Strangely Chosen Names

This is a selection of the fine people who choose to write into Mr Telly, but are too afraid to use their real names.

You’ve got your usual descriptive names like Disgusted, Disgusted Two!, Annoyed, The Guys, I Know Best and so on. Then there’s the stranger ones like Wild West Meat Eater and Lesser-Spotted One-Eyed Gabbling Winker, a series of words which can’t possibly mean anything strung together like that.

And then there’s the person who is just a Fan of Dan, who I understand is a weatherman of some sort – and honestly who can blame them.

The Dan, the man, the legend.

Angry About The Way Men Dress

In the nine weeks of Mr Tellys I scoured, I was delighted to see that there were no letters complaining about the appearance of women. Possibly because they got dinged for publishing letters of this kind in the past – or possibly because they’ve filled up their lifetime quota of these letters and have had to move onto men, like this little gem here:

“Isn’t it about time Neill Rea of Prime’s The Brokenwood Mysteries had a shave, shower and a decent shirt to wear?”

This is actually a pretty sick burn, though:

“Can TVNZ not afford to pay Mike Hosking enough money so that he stops wearing his young son’s clothes and starts to dress in his age group?”

Angry About The Weatherman

The people who get angry about the weatherman are also the people who tend to rely on their news about the weather from the terrestrial box sitting opposite their couch or sitting device.

“I wish someone would tell Dan the Man (our weatherman) to please, please slow down while reading the weather forecast. A viewer could think he was being chased by a train.”

“Dan is a very personable presenter and I’ve no doubt an able meteorologist, but all his own work? I don’t think so.”

The Dan, the man, the legend, the star of Mr Telly

Angry About The Internet

If you had to write to the TV Guide instead of raging on the internet, you’d probably be pretty angry at the internet as well.

“I am sure TVNZ will say that OnDemand can be viewed through a computer (for those who have one) but I for one am not going to watch a programme on my iPad mini when I have a perfectly good widescreen TV sitting in the corner of my lounge.”

Move over Ernest Hemingway, we’ve got the six saddest words in the English sentence: “10KM from the centre of Masterton.”

“We are a mere 10KM from the centre of Masterton but frequently am unable to load sites such as Facebook and Stuff because of out-of-date copper wiring servicing our road. And no, it’s not a dead-end gravel road either. In the evenings when more people are home to go online we get constant messages such as ‘problem loading page’ or ‘server not found’.”

Angry About The Inevitable Passage of Time

Again, as is to be expected, with people who write letters to the editor rather than just ill-thought out, emotionally-charged invectives on their social media of choice, there are some letters which are from older people who have forgotten things or just want things to be the way they were.

“I am a senior citizen with a sense of humour and I cannot understand why the comedians of today – male and female – have to resort to the ‘f…’ and ‘s…’ words to try to get a laugh. … I recall with a smile such wonderful characters as Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours, Porridge and with Ronnie Corbett in The Two Ronnies.”

There’s also literally just a letter where someone asks the names of the guest actors in an episode of The Brokenwood Mysteries

The Brokenwood Mysteries: a Mr Telly favourite

Angry About TVNZ Not Buying A Show Called Red Rock

According to the internet – which I have because I am further than 10KM from Masterton – Red Rock is an Irish crime drama based in the fictional seaside town of Red Rock. I had not heard of it before now, and I will never hear about it after this. But if you’re a Mr Telly writer, then you absolutely have heard of it and you’re FURIOUS that TVNZ made the business decision to stop buying a show that wasn’t rating particularly well.

“I was amazed to read that the reason the brilliant Irish police drama Red Rock was taken off was because it didn’t perform. What planet are these programmers on?”

“I cannot believe TVNZ’s response to the letters from people, like me, who are totally disappointed with Red Rock being stopped.”

“What numpties make the programming decisions at TVNZ?”

“TVNZ, I would have to totally disagree with your comment that Red Rock didn’t perform well. Where do you get these ratings from?”

And finally this heartrending piece written by a woman who is surely just Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment.

“Where is my programme? Is it coming back? Were we warned and I missed it? I am gutted, TVNZ, and no pathetic platitudes, please. I want real, meaningful words.”

(Apropos of nothing, two of the letter writers are called Lyn, a third is called Lynne. Maybe this is Lynne’s personal letter campaign to get Red Rock, a television show that definitely exists, re-instated.)

Angry About People Being Angry At Naked Attraction

The true galaxy brain is not being angry at television, but being angry at people who are angry at television. These two letters have some shocking Shyamalanian twists, let me tell you.

“I would like to congratulate both TVNZ and the British makers of this show. All of nature runs around naked and exposed – but we humans hide away our beautiful naked bodies like they are something to be ashamed of … If TVNZ decided to produce its own show like this, I would love to host it – (In a sensible and educational way, but with my clothes on).”

“Some people have written that the Naked Attraction programme on TVNZ2 is filth. Well, for us, we don’t find the human body anything but beautiful – created in God’s image.”

Naked Attraction: another Mr Telly fave

Angry About Te Reo Māori 

Because it wouldn’t be a comment section without the racists. I can only imagine that the macrons were added by Mr Telly himself, because you know these guys weren’t using them.

“Why does a supposedly ordinary programme about people moving house have to be full of Te Reo Māori? Is it because Tamati is presenting it? If so, why isn’t shown on Māori Television? There is a definite place for te reo in our society, but why does it have to be shoved in our face on a non-Māori channel?”

“When a commentary on is on primetime TV then please do it in English and have the subtitles in Sign and Māori. That way everyone wins.”

“Why is this programme not on the Māori channel? Isn’t that what it is for? I have now tuned out as I am sick to death of TVNZ going overboard with Māori these days.”

Just… I Don’t Know

I wish only nice things for this strange man, who may or may not be popular Donald Sutherland son Kiefer Sutherland.

“As a self-confessed dirty old man’, it was at least a month before I realised the gyrating dancers on those (NZ Post) ads were to do with posting letters. If I have a moan about ads, it’s actually the fire department ones of men floating near the ceiling on beanbags – they really make me cringe. Why would grown men belittle themselves by participating in such rubbish? In the meantime, can someone explain what the man says when he comes home to find his wife in bed with a giant red lolly (on the M&Ms ad)? No one in our family can understand what he says. – K Sutherland (Queenstown)


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CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: KODY NIELSON, KYLIE MINOGUE, FALL OUT BOY, THE VENUS PROJECT
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: KODY NIELSON, KYLIE MINOGUE, FALL OUT BOY, THE VENUS PROJECT

Pop CultureJanuary 20, 2018

Best Songs Ever: Kody Nielson’s Baroque disco vs Kylie Minogue’s country house?

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: KODY NIELSON, KYLIE MINOGUE, FALL OUT BOY, THE VENUS PROJECT
CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: KODY NIELSON, KYLIE MINOGUE, FALL OUT BOY, THE VENUS PROJECT

Our regular round-up of new songs and singles, featuring Kody Nielson, The Venus Project, Kylie Minogue, Fall Out Boy and more…

SONG OF THE WEEK

Kody Nielson – ‘Bic’s Birthday’

Kody is Kody again, the same but different

After spending the last few years making music as Silicon, and co-writing award-winning songs with Bic Runga and Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Kody Nielson is stepping out once again under his own name. His new album, Birthday Suite, is cleverly made up of songs that he plans to drop on the birthdays of family and friends, starting with ‘Bic’s Birthday’, a buzzed-out, psychedelic jam dedicated to Runga and released over the weekend. Awww. Like Devils, the last record he released under his own name, this one is fully instrumental. “I just feel like there’s maybe too many singer-songwriter lyricists at the moment,” Nielson has said. “And it seems like you need something really special to say, or something important.” Nielson’s also had a hand in the new UMO record that’s out this year, so expect to hear a lot more from him in 2018. / Hussein Moses

Kody Nielsen released ‘Bic’s Birthday’ in honour of his partner, Bic Runga, (and her birthday, of course). Kody flaunts his knowledge of classical music and his adoration for composers Bach and Stravinsky. ‘Bic’s Birthday’ is a modern day re-interpretation of Baroque, with prancing melodies led by whopping synths while softer piano harmonies take a back seat. ‘Bic’s Birthday’ feels like it should be played in a pristine cathedral – but with purple strobe lights, blue lasers and a smoke machine. Kody is making Baroque music ‘cool’ again, just like it was 300 years ago. / Jess Fu

KODY NIELSON

The Venus Project – ‘Won’t Hurt’

Broods’ Georgina Nott goes solo with all-female project

19 January marks an important date for both halves of synth-pop sibling-duo Broods. While Caleb Nott’s gearing up to make some carbonated dairy-infused waves with his new project Fizzy Milk, Georgia Nott has today announced her new solo side venture The Venus Project, a project created and recorded entirely by women, with this the first single. ‘Won’t Hurt’ is soft and dreamy and vulnerable, evoking a feeling of comfort in isolation. It sounds like floating into the ether and embracing all your perceived inadequacies. Pain and bliss, all at once. If ‘Won’t Hurt’ is indicative of what the rest of the album may hold then it’s a pleasant change from the sort of edgy electro-pop sound Georgia’s been building on through Broods’ Evergreen (2014) and Conscious (2016). This track encompasses the kind of silent suffering that is unique to so many women and yet an increasingly common feeling for all. / Jogai Bhatt

Fizzy Milk – ‘Make Me Feel’ feat. Jarryd James

C’mon bro…

Normally, I’d be all about a brother and sister due releasing their debut solo singles on the same day (see above), but with the Venus Project’s feminist backstory, having Caleb Nott’s not-explicitly-feminist single out the same day as his sister’s just seems a little odd. Especially if it was written, produced and recorded by males. (I don’t know if it is, just sayin’…) Pretty good song, just weird timing. / Henry Oliver

Kylie Minogue – ‘Dancing’

You’re better than this Kylie

Dancing starts with an acoustic guitar. This is not how I know Kylie. This is not how I love Kylie. It felt like the aural version of Samara coming out of the television during The Ring – how could I have expected this, was it my fault, did I do this to myself? In a post-‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ world, Kylie Minogue has cleanly and comfortably moved into a niche of A-list pop that nobody else in her age group fits into. She’s not breaking boundaries like Madonna, she’s not progressive like Beyonce, she’s not an empty brand like Britney; she makes elegant, slightly forward thinking and slightly stately pop. There’s a coolness to Kylie Minogue that makes her stand apart from the others: she’s the one who did a bit in Nick Cave’s documentary, she had a role in a Leos Carax film, she did a tour where she explicitly only sang B-sides and released a mini-album with Fernando Garibay.

None of that Kylie is in ‘Dancing’, a song which shares a co-writer with Ed Sheeran mopefest ‘Thinking Out Loud’. The warmness of her voice sticks, like if you put Sophie Ellis Bextor in the microwave, but it’s a toothless little bit of country-pop with a barely there hook and some absolutely pedestrian vocal stuttering. By the time you’ve hit next, you don’t even know what you’ve skipped. How is this the lead single from a Kylie Minogue album?! Put Samara back in the TV. / Sam Brooks

Fall Out Boy – ‘Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)’

Fall Out Boy could be saving rock music (if anyone was paying attention)

Since their mid-00s heyday, Fall Out Boy have been a band that could be described as ‘interesting’ at worst and ‘underrated’ at best. Their last few records have seen them heavily augment their emo-adjacent anthems with elements of modern pop and R&B songwriting and production, which when it hits, it hits, and when you catch it you wonder, ‘why isn’t this all over the radio right now?’ b/w ‘if a young band came out with this right now they’d be huge!’

Hearing the start of ‘Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)’ (classic Fall Out Boy song title) your first instinct might be to check it’s not some vaped-out remix of ‘Paper Planes’, but go with it and they’ll deliver you to a chorus as big and hooky as anything from the good old days of twelve years ago. Speaking of 12 years ago, the refrain “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker colour” would have made an awesome Myspace bio. / Calum Henderson

WhyFi – ‘Talkin’ Sh*t in Outerspace’

Lo-fi beats in space

‘Talkin’ Sh*t in Outerspace’ sounds like a homage to the weirdo tunes I remember on C4 when I stayed up past midnight to watch it. Once midnight rolled around, you knew the good stuff was coming. And like a lot of those tracks, the keys here are woozy and ice-cold. The repetition of the riff feels so precise and calculated that it verges on dizzying. It’s all very off-putting, which of course is the point. The concept of outer space is the focus on the track, and it is made clear that WhyFi are fascinated by its emptiness and sheer size. In that respect, the name of the song is appropriate. There’s no “shit talking” on this track though, vocals instead come in the shape of robotic murmurs. It makes the song surprisingly sombre, but WhyFi manages to finds life in outer space through the beat. It thumps hard, injecting energy into something that would otherwise be dominated by weirdness./ Alex Lyall

Superchunk – ‘Erasure’ (ft Katie Crutchfield and Stephin Merritt)

An alt-rock super-colab

It’s common to see three or more names together in the artist field of a new release these days, but “Superchunk, Waxahatchee, Stephin Merritt” still came as a bit of a surprise. The common thread is Merge Records, the indie label home to the two guest vocalists and founded in 1989 by Mac McCaughan and Laura Ballance from Superchunk. The veteran band seem to have embraced the spirit of collaboration on their forthcoming album, and adding the distinctive voices of Waxahatchee’s Katie Crutchfield and the Magnetic Fields’ Stephin Merritt to the chorus of ‘Erasure’ turns out to be an inspired move. The song itself is classic fuzzed-out power pop firmly at the ‘power’ end of the spectrum, fired up at the state of it all. “What you’re after – erasure” is a sick chorus lyric, whatever way you choose to interpret it. / CH


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