Don’t get sucked in by the jovial banter and the sausage sizzle with Jacinda Ardern. Stephen Colbert is an international criminal mastermind who must be stopped. 

New Zealand is fizzing today with the exciting news that someone from another country has noticed that we exist. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert aired the first part of their week-long series exploring New Zealand last night. As you may recall, The Spinoff sent ripples around the world when it broke the news that the visit was under way after our investigative unit looked out the office window and saw Stephen Colbert and Jacinda Ardern standing around. 

Airing yesterday on US television (and here on Prime) the first segment had it all. It had Lord of the Rings jokes, it had sausages and white bread, it had a brief flash of the iconic Triang trike, New Zealanders’ preferred mode of transportation. “This has to be one of the most cost-effective tourism promotions in New Zealand’s history,” tweeted political commentator Matthew Hooton. “Massive promotion of our country for close to free,” tweeted Auckland councillor Richard Hills.

Sorry to these men, but here’s the sinister truth. The segment isn’t good promotion for our country or our tourism industry, or our plastic trike industry. It is a brazen broadcast of illegal behaviour, infiltrating our screens under the guise of “comedy” and “entertainment” and “fun”. To quote true crime documentary Now You See Me, “come in close, because the more you think you see, the easier it’ll be to fool you.” 

But I won’t be fooled. Here are the crimes. 

1) Stopping on broken yellow lines

When Ardern picks up Colbert from the airport, the car is very clearly parked on broken yellow lines. “You must not park or stop your vehicle on ‘no stopping’ lines (broken yellow lines) marked within 1 metre of the edge of the road” the NZTA website reads. Not only does the infringement warrant a $60 ticket under Rule 4 Schedule 1 Land Transport (Offences and Penalties) Regulations 1999, it also makes any insurance on the vehicle void in the case of damage – a huge risk considering Colbert’s criminally irresponsible approach to suitcase-loading. Go to jail.

2) Failure to “make it click” 

Although Colbert can be seen wearing his seatbelt as Ardern leaves the airport in their getaway vehicle, he hasn’t put it on when she changes gears to pull away from the kerb. Perhaps not a criminal offence per se, but a clear breach of the rules as outlined in our national anthem ‘Make it Click’. “Click goes your seatbelt BEFORE you hit the track,” our Minister of Transport Ronald McDonald sings, not while ON the track. His punishment according to The Spinoff’s Crimes Act? Six months in those Grimace-shaped child jails from the 90s. 

3) Distracting a driver

In an attempt to unlock Ardern’s iPhone using facial recognition technology, Colbert thrusts the rectangular device in front of her face multiple times while she drives in a high speed area. The NZTA advises that “anything that diverts a driver’s attention for more than two seconds can significantly increase the likelihood of a crash or near-crash.” It is also illegal to send and receive text messages while driving in New Zealand. Had one popped up on the phone while it was in front of her eyes, she could be facing an $80 fine and 20 demerit points. Colbert? Jail. 

Read more:

John Oliver’s weird fixation on New Zealand: the complete works (so far)

#FreeLorde: How Lorde’s songs warned us she was going to jail

‘Girlfriend, you are so on’: the curious Jacinda Ardern fixation in the US Democratic race

4) Cybercrime

In the clip, Colbert can be seen making multiple attempts to hack into the prime minister’s phone. After several utterances of “no” from Ardern, elevating to a “definitely not”, Colbert begins soliciting key personal information in an attempt to guess her passcode. Eventually the device is locked for 60 seconds due to too many invalid attempts. According to the Crimes Act, any person who intentionally accesses any computer system without authorisation is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years. “Imprisonment”, Colbert, is another word for “jail”.

5) Copyright infringement

The pair laugh about stealing James Corden’s “Carpool Karaoke” segment, in which he sings along to the radio in a car with a famous person. But that’s not the copyright infringement our crime unit is worried about. After auto-enhancing the above image with our digital forensic team, there is enough evidence to suggest that Stephen Colbert is wearing a suit. If Colbert knew anything about New Zealand, he would know that wearing a suit is Willy Moon’s intellectual property, and that his artistically atrocious ass is going straight into the clink. 

6) Treason

Within seconds of their sit-down interview beginning, Colbert commits another heinous crime. “My first question is: can I be a citizen?” he asks Ardern, later demanding that she make him President of New Zealand. Treason is defined in the Crimes Act as anyone who “incites or assists any person with force to invade New Zealand; or uses force for the purpose of overthrowing the Government of New Zealand.” Colbert adds to his sentence with a slow wink. The punishment for treason is life imprisonment.

7) Bribing an official

That peanut brittle Colbert keeps offering? That’s clearly a bribe for the presidency. Also, did Colbert declare the snack at customs? All evidence points to absolutely not. According to section 105C of the Crimes Act, it is an offence to bribe a person in order to obtain or retain business or to gain an improper advantage. The maximum penalty for bribing an official is seven years imprisonment, and let’s chuck a few more on for breaking the Biosecurity Act 1993 for bringing in high risk peanut brittle and/or scary snake goods.

8) Unauthorised electoral advertising

According to the Electoral Commission, other people can only promote a candidate or party with a written authorisation. “All election advertisements, irrespective of when they are published, must include the name and address of the person that has initiated or instigated them.” Failing to do so is an offence and subject to a fine of up to $40,000.

9) Having a garden 

Illegal. 

10) Consorting with a criminal

In the final barbecue scene, it is revealed that international superstar Lorde is also in attendance. Everyone knows that Lorde has been imprisoned for leaving school early and not fulfilling her high school education.

After a genial conversation with the fugitive, Colbert then offers her a tube of peanut brittle, which turns out to be a snake prank. We have no laws against pranking thanks to the Jono and Ben clause in the Crimes Act, but habitually consorting with convicted offenders will get you three years in person. 

Lucky you like New Zealand so much, Colbert, because you are going to be going away for a very, very long time.

Seriously, if you haven’t seen The Mandalorian, look away now. This article also contains spoilers for Return of the Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Return of the Sith, and The Last Jedi.

In case you didn’t read the standfirst: this article contains spoilers about The Mandalorian, and also all of Star Wars.

The pictures are all over social media, but the context is missing. I’m talking about the [SPOILER ALERT] little green muppet. It’s cute. It’s tiny. It’s green. It’s also being massively disrespected by each and every one of you.

Imagine you are a child again. You’ve developed a sense of self but are yet to understand personal autonomy. You know, thanks to your director Jon Favreau, that you’re “an important character”. You have a destiny and one day, you hope, an identity.

But everyone is calling you “Baby Yoda”. You aren’t allowed to exist as an individual. How would this affect your personal development?

Let’s get this out of the way: the animatronic gremlin is not Yoda. I have drawn up a crude timeline to prove it:

I’ve included the Fetts’ active periods because they are (allegedly) Mandalorians, and ‘The Mandalorian’ (Dyn Jarren) is a legacy character. He’s not related to the Fetts, who are rejected by other Mandalorians. The point is: “Mandalorian bounty hunter” is a good way to date your location in the Star Wars canon.

BFE stands for Before Foundation of Empire, and AFE After Foundation of Empire. AFE year one took place immediately following the events of Return of the Sith, when Anakin Skywalker got cyborged into Darth Vader.

It seems immediately obvious that the new goblin isn’t Yoda, because Yoda died before the events of The Mandalorian. Some conspiracy theorists reckon otherwise. 

Their argument is that Yoda didn’t actually die, he de-corporialised into a force ghost. His energy is still gathered in one place, and he could be re-born. How he’s supposed to manifest the body of a child without invading someone’s personal space, I don’t know. Shocking if true: it’s a real Sith move.

As you can see in the timeline, Yoda’s force ghost is spotted more than two decades after this fleshy imp pops up in The Mandalorian. The baby is also 50 years old, which is a fun insight into Yoda’s species but also tells us this kid was born before Yoda died/ghosted: Yoda shed his mortal tissue in 23AFE, so even if he re-corporialised immediately he would only be five years old when the Mandalorian finds him.

This is what fan theory enthusiasts should be focussing on: did Yoda have a child? Fifty years before The Mandalorian, Anakin Skywalker was born, too – of apparently immaculate conception, thanks to the powers of the force (also known as midichlorians). Is this baby the same? Could Yoda have produced a child of immaculate conception? Yoda is gendered as male, but we don’t know anything about his species. All George Lucas has said is “he’s a frog”. He could get knocked up by some randy midicholorians.

The child could also be born of Yaddle, a lady Jedi of the same species. That’s probably more likely.

This would make Anakin, who we know from Return of the Jedi was “the chosen one”, only one of “the chosen two”: the Mandalorian’s adopted moss child is Anakin’s spiritual twin and the only entity in the galaxy with powers to rival him.

Now, hold on to your tunics, because this is where I descend into total conspiracy.

Force lore says there was once a Sith, Darth Plagueis, who tried to use the force to create life itself. Some say he succeeded and created Anakin. Some say he failed and, offended, the force created Anakin to destroy the Sith. 

Anakin did defeat the Sith, so the latter is probably true. But what if Darth Plagueis succeeded and this bald baby Furby is the result? He is a creature born of pure evil.

 The Sith order may be dead, but Snoke and Kylo Ren treaded close to it. Fans often wonder if anyone was pulling their strings: imagine the following.

Imagine you’re a teenager, burdened with unimaginable power and nicknamed after Yoda, a religious hero, and constantly expected to live up to his sacred image. Would you not rebel by studying the ways of the Sith? If you were born the spitting image of Richie McCaw, and everyone called you Baby Richie, would you not play cricket?

Only time will tell what Jon Favreau has in store for this young green king, but there’s one thing I know for sure: to call him “baby Yoda” is to spit in the face of galactic destiny.