Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from ‘A. Malcolm’, the sixth episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
Say your goodbyes, Sassenachs, because this week’s Outlander will strike you down dead. The emotion will slay you, the passion will cut you into a thousand tiny pieces, and you’ll end up a wizened, wrinkled old prune after shedding endless floods of tears. We died, we is ded, and it is all Alexander Malcolm’s fault.
‘A. Malcolm’ was Outlander‘s most anticipated episode since Murtagh fought off the French aristocracy with a curtain tie. That was an emotional journey, but this episode was off the flipping chart. From the moment I saw Jamie wearing a triangle hat over one of his better wigs, strolling through the streets of Edinburgh while lively music played in the background, I knew we were in for a treat.
Jaunty Jamie Fraser in a tricorne! Claire restored to her usual Queen status! An extra long episode filled with Fraser sexy times! Oh Outlander, you do spoil us.
The emotional floodgates were opened and Claire swept into the print shop on a tartan tsunami of hope and heartbreak. Their reunion began nervously and awkwardly and blossomed into a passionate extravaganza of tender kisses, sexy-time headbutts and Jamie Fraser eating grapes. Claire met Fergus again and Jamie took Claire to stay in a brothel and all along I blubbered like a sentimental idiot who can no longer distinguish between fiction and reality.
‘A. Malcolm’ was an extended episode so we could bask in true love’s ginger glow and enjoy an uber-lengthy ‘let’s get nude’ scene. Claire was a timetravelling onion, taking so long to peel off all her layers that Jamie distracted himself with a zip and I zoned out by Googling “where to buy a tricorne”. Before I knew it another twenty years had passed, Jamie was standing naked by a cheeseboard and I’d spent $300 on a hat I definitely didn’t need.
But after two long, dry decades apart the Frasers discovered time had not extinguished the flames of their passion. Mark me, after the stoking those embers, I’m surprised we all didn’t spontaneously combust. Hold me closer tiny dancer, for I am lost in either Outlander heaven or the insides of the Dunbonnet’s cave.
The reunion episode was everything. Jamie and Claire were back together and my cold, dead heart was warmed to its jaunty little core. Let’s make a deep dive into the top ten moments of ‘A. Malcolm’, but first, can someone open a window? It’s hot in here.
1) Claire and Jamie kiss for the first time in twenty years
I fist pumped the sky and high fived all my invisible friends sitting in the lounge with me because OMG ALL THE FEELS.
2) Everything about Geordie
God’s tooth, where has this grumpy bastard been all our lives? Geordie, I think you love you.
3) Claire shows Jamie photographs of his daughter
Sadly, there was no photo of Brianna eating a Boston Cream Pie. FFS Claire, you had one job.
4) Jamie says all of the things
I may or may not have stuck a post-it onto my bathroom mirror with “time doesn’t matter, Sassenach, you will always be beautiful to me” written on it. And maybe another on my toaster that says “I have burned for you for so long”, and “it has always been forever for me, Sassenach” might just be my new ringtone. J-Fray, call me.
Look, he’s just a man with a triangle hat, standing in a brothel, asking me Claire to love him. P.S. don’t be afraid, Jamie, there are two of us now.
5) A random bloke offers Claire a pie
I’ll have it if she doesn’t want it.
6) Pauline the Maid’s saucy look
Forget Madame Jeanne, Pauline is the queen of this castle and that cheeky glance suggests she knows exactly what’s about to go down between the good doctor and the ginger ninja.
7) Jamie eats a grape
Thank you, tiny fruit everywhere.
8) Claire says she will never leave Jamie again
She also told him sex was like riding a bicycle and if that’s what cycling looks like then brb just squeezing myself into a lycra onesie.
9) Claire meets Young Ian
Bless this little cherub, possibly the cutest thing Outlander’s thrown up at us since Wee Roger ate all the chocolate biscuits.
10) Staff meeting at Madame Jeanne’s
This morning’s agenda: “how no’ te get stuck wi’ a squeaker” and other timeless family planning advice. God’s tooth!
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