Following the announcement that the Crusaders beloved horses can’t be accommodated in the new stadium, Alex Casey assesses their career options in a challenging job market. 

Many across Ōtautahi are bereft following the news that the Crusaders are retiring their beloved horses, due to limited space on the One NZ Stadium field “compromising safety” and “creating potential injury risks”. It marks the end of a tradition first established in 1996, back when Christopher Luxon was just a 25-year-old little boy, whereby six horses would gallop around the field to ‘Conquest of Paradise’ to represent the six provincial unions that make up the mightiest Super Rugby franchise of them all. 

This is not the first time the Crusaders brand has been forced to pivot. In 2019, the Christchurch mosque attack reignited the debate over the Crusaders name, a reference to religious wars between Muslims and Christians in the Middle Ages. In response, the team kept the name but changed the logo from a sword-wielding knight to “the tohu”, reflecting the natural landscape from the “Southern Alps to the depths of our moana”. The knights on horseback were also swapped out for blokes in Swanndris on horseback as part of the pre-game ritual. 

Despite the Crusaders brand and traditions evolving with changing times – and with some commentators arguing they didn’t evolve enough – losing the horses altogether has sparked uproar among many fans this week. “Such a shame. They were the best part of the whole evening,” wrote one social media commenter. “We have lost our identity,” said another. Others said the decision would jeopardise their allegiance altogether, with Press readers going as far as to say “the horses are as important as the players” and “no horses, no fans”. 

But through all this equine angst, won’t someone think of the horses themselves, mercilessly turfed out of a cushy, steady decades-long gig in this economy? The Crusaders have said in their extensive Horses Decision FAQ document that they are currently working on a way to “appropriately acknowledge and thank them for the three decades of service” while also working “to determine what the next chapter looks like for them”. Here are six career prospects for the six now-jobless Crusaders horses in 2026.

6. New VIP Court Theatre seating

With much unrest about the Court Theatre seating being too cramped and with bad sightlines, simply take the seats out and bring the horses in! From the powerful vantage point of horseback, you’ll never have to worry about missing a moment of The Importance of Being Earnest again. Also, think of the casting opportunities. Remember when Daniel Radcliffe bared all in horse play Equus? Imagine Christchurch’s most famous Dan (Carter), who also happens to be our most famous torso, treading the boards alongside the Crusaders horses in a controversial exploration of sexuality, religion and societal mores?

5. Get involved in local body politics

Look, there hasn’t been a problematic Horse on council anywhere in the country for over a decade now.

4. Souvlaki delivery mule

The One NZ stadium has a plethora of local eateries including Glizzys Hot Dogs, Arbour Pizza, Bacon Bros and Sheffield Pies, but where in the bloody hell is our beloved Dimitris Souvlaki in the lineup? I propose the horses start an illegal racket sprinting the 850 metres between the stadium and Dimitris (should take them roughly 45 seconds each way) to deliver Christchurch’s best bite to Cantabrians when they need it the most (AKA when no Crusaders horses come out).

3. Become the horses of the apocalypse

Look, we’ve got climate catastrophes every other week, the fuel crisis seems really not good, and the doomsday clock is now set at 85 seconds to midnight which is not even enough time for my souvlaki mule to get to Dimitris and back. Why don’t we take control of our own destiny and start to stage manage the apocalypse the right way, beginning with casting four of the six Crusaders horses and their horsemen in the coveted roles of Conquest, War, Famine and Death? The other two can work on the costumes. 

2. Public transport to the One NZ stadium

Despite a lot of talk about shuttle services and the “Crusaders Express” train, modelling suggests that the vast majority of punters will still travel by car to the One NZ stadium. Combine that with mayor Phil Mauger’s own admission that he has “no idea” where people are going to park, and we’ve got a Four Aves clusterfuck on our hands. Enter the horses operating a new “Park and Ride” situation – Park and Bridle? – delivering fans straight to the stadium, complete with a dubstep megamix of ‘Conquest of Paradise’ playing from a tinny Bluetooth speaker and mostly everyone saying “thank you driver” because that’s what we do here. 

1. Frolick in a field

Something we could all aspire to in this life.