Are my standards too high? Or is the bar in hell.

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Hera – help.

I am a (crucially, gay) woman in my mid-20s, and my life is filled with resplendent female friendships that make my cup overfloweth. These women are all inquisitive, kind, hilarious, intelligent, and generally amazing people.

And yet! The men they date do not share these qualities, at least never to the same extent. I’m not saying these men are terrible – they aren’t abusive, or violent, or horrendous. There’s nothing to necessitate a serious intervention. They are simply average. Mediocre. Good at times, but never great.

I have talked about this phenomenon with my friends, and there is agreement that these men could do better. I see how we treat and love each other as friends, and I don’t see the same attentive treatment in their relationships. I want the world for those I love, and I find it astounding that my friends think they have found the world in these men.

And yet! My friends appear to be happy. They seem to deeply love these average men. I feel like the gay little devil on their shoulder, looking off into a rosy, much better future that only I can see, a future where they are seen and known in their romantic relationships in a way that I don’t think they are now.

Is this the natural swag gap of hetero dating in your mid-20s? Do I need to descend from my self-righteous gay tower and accept that my friends are happy when they tell me they are?? How can I achieve the balance of wanting good things for my friends while accepting what they think is good for them, even if I don’t agree with this???

Signed,

Gay Devil 

Dear Gay Devil,

To begin with, I think we can all agree that an important part of any friendship is wanting the absolute best for those you love, having preposterously high standards for their romantic partners, and silently judging anyone who doesn’t conform to your expectations.

 In my opinion, there’s nothing actually wrong with this, as long as you are respectably discreet about your disappointment, and don’t constantly rain on their parade (unless the parade is actively on fire).

 Obviously, this means you are frequently going to be disappointed on behalf of the people you love, especially in your early 20s, when dating is notoriously a shit show. People make all kinds of mistakes, and although this can be painful to witness, it’s part of the cycle of life, and sometimes the only way to learn what kind of relationship you want is through a process of trial and error. 

I don’t want to indulge in heteropessimism, as life is hard enough without defaulting to banal gender stereotypes, and that kind of rhetoric only lowers everyone’s collective standards. However. I do think, as a gay woman, on a spectrum of eligible partners ranging between “degenerate loser” and “literally the coolest person you have ever met”, you have to acknowledge the odds are radically skewed in your favour. Yes, there are some evil lesbians out there, but even they tend to be high achievers, who at least have excellent style and fascinating hobbies to go along with their life-ruining personality disorders. 

Wonderful, kind, interesting, funny men are abundant in this world. Many of them have been married off young, like child brides, to partners who recognised their genius early on. There are also plenty of interesting men whose priorities lie outside of romantic relationships, and have better shit to do with their lives, like teach themselves cuneiform. But there are plenty of other people out there, both men and women, who are still a work in progress.

I’m not saying heterosexual women are grading on a curve, but “aggressively mediocre”, while not the kind of glowing personal endorsement you’d want to hear in a wedding toast, actually isn’t all that bad, especially if your friends are blissfully oblivious. Civilisation was built on the backs of romantic partnerships between ordinary people with bad haircuts and boring hobbies, and there’s something beautiful about that. As you get older, you start to appreciate the charm of people who don’t go in for spontaneous midnight swims or have an encyclopedic knowledge of Italian neorealist cinema, but could, at gunpoint, make a really good egg sandwich. 

I’m not saying that “aggressively ordinary” is an aspirational benchmark. But a lot of people improve with age, and besides, a lot of these relationships won’t last the distance, so there’s no point getting worked up about it.

Anyway, that’s the boring answer, because the truth is that interfering in other people’s relationships is a notoriously futile endeavour, unless they urgently require some kind of intervention. The best move is to simply bide your time. 

Do I think your friends also deserve better? Honestly, they probably do. 

But it’s also worth saying romantic relationships don’t have to be the central pillar of your life. It sounds like your friendship group is profoundly supportive and uplifting, and while it’s nice to hope everyone’s romantic relationships are just as wonderful, one person doesn’t need to fulfil all of your emotional needs. Especially considering your collective friendship will outlast many of these men.

Sometimes all you need to do to ambiently raise someone’s standards is to love them outrageously and continue to show up for them. They can draw the relevant conclusions. 

I’m not saying you can’t ever raise concerns, especially if your friends are looking for insight or come to you with legitimate complaints. If you see a recurring problem, it’s sometimes important to be the person who says, “How did it make you feel when Gareth left your niece’s christening early to play Tonk Hawk’s Pro Skater 2?”

But I also don’t think you need an attitude adjustment. You don’t even have to pretend you like these guys. “Judgemental gay best friend” is a timeless and invaluable social archetype. It raises everyone’s standards and keeps the boyfriends on their toes. Sometimes, the mere presence of a friend you know privately thinks you can do a lot better but is too polite to go on about it can be a galvanising force. Just as disappointing boyfriends play a vital role in the social ecosystem, so do sceptical homosexuals. 

In other words, as you were.