Alex Casey delivers her power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where everything is made up and Covid-19 didn’t matter yet. Click here for previous instalments.
Time for walls down, hearts on sleeve, arms outstretched (from two metres away). I’ve found it increasingly hard to focus on this here reality television programme, which feels even more so than last week like a primitive cave painting, or a series of curious vignettes etched onto the side of a Grecian vase. The Bachelorette NZ is the old world, back when we were all sockettes and brogues and hugging and smooching. Weird.
I’m also distracted because my cat keeps walking over my keyboard and sticking her butt in my face in an intensely threatening way. This is the new reality of working from home, of a pending national lockdown, of this bizarre Covid-19 lens through which everything is going to happen for an uncertain amount of time. So with that in mind, I’ve decided to eschew the regular rankings and list everything that has and hasn’t aged well in our new reality.
AGED WELL: Art going feral
During the last cocktail party in Argentina, Art appeared to be sitting on the sidelines completely naked, before climbing a tree wearing nothing but leaves to watch the action from a safe distance. You laugh now, but you’ll probably be asking him for fashion tips in two weeks.
NOT AGED WELL: “Genuineness”
There was a lot of talk about who was being Ginuwine, which was ironic because it was one of the first weeks where there hasn’t been a “pony” in sight. Yeah that’s right, I’m just going to make any old joke wherever the hell I want now.
AGED WELL: Everyone crying
Never have I ever talked about crying so much with strangers on the internet than I have over the past few days. Lily has shown us that’s it’s okay to let your eye holes leak when you need to – just don’t touch your face when you do it.
NOT AGED WELL: World news With Richie
The last Richie was able to recall of his conversation where he may or may not have questioned Lily’s genuineness was him sitting by the pool and saying “Trump is shit and Brexit is terrible.” Remember when that was all we talked about? Grow up, Peter Pan.
AGED WELL: This AMOG quote
How did you get this address?
NOT AGED WELL: This AMOG quote:
AGED WELL: Logan writing an isolation song
Imagine all the people: living for today.
NOT AGED WELL: This entire shot
AGED WELL: Hectic fashion
Anyone else just wearing whatever the hell they want every day? Right now I am wearing Birkenstocks, track pants inexplicably covered in pollen and a bright orange and blue polka dot dressing gown with a green beanie. Seems like Logan in his summery Hawaiian shirt and Lesina in her arctic puffer also don’t give a hoot about climate or decorum.
AGED WELL: Lily’s busted nails
All I’m saying is, I used to have two eyebrows and now I have just the one. We are all going to come out of this looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway and I, for one, cannot wait for our individual runway reveals.
NOT AGED WELL: MAFSNZ wedding venue
As if my New Zealand reality television conspiracy map couldn’t get any crazier, I’m pretty sure the final cocktail party was also the site of James and Carmen’s wedding on the last season of Married at First Sight NZ, which I attended IRL. Remember when we could all go to weddings? Crack up.
AGED WELL: Video calling
Nothing brings me as much joy as chewing over pandemic anxieties while my best friends slowly morph into digital fire-breathing dragons in front of my very eyes. This hometown FaceTime was a sign of things to come, and is now our main mode of communication. What can’t The Bachelorette NZ do?
AGED WELL: This quote
As with all her wisdom, Lily’s advice remains prescient to this very day. May we all be prepared to give up our nice things so we can all get through these weird hard yards. See you next week for the finale – it’s not like any of you are going anywhere.