It is the second week of Celebrity Treasure Island and the gloves are officially off. Alex Casey power ranks the celebrity contestants vying for that sweet charity cash. 

Two weeks in and I am here to firmly agree with my Real Pod co-host in saying that Celebrity Treasure Island is bloody mindless brilliance. If you had told me that that television in 2019 would be C4’s Shannon Ryan moving blocks around with her feet, I would have laughed heartily. If you had told me that it would be Moses McKay and Shane Cameron Lady and the Tramp-ing it with a piece of spaghetti, I would have fainted. 

And if you had told me that a simple egg smashing challenge would get Chizzy this amped… well, I would have actually believed you because Chizzy is all that is good and pure in the world. May we all one day emulate his zest for life, his joie de vivre, his espirit de corps and, of course, his cordon bleu. Plus, now his hair must be softer than silk thanks to all that egg (I assume).

I am also absolutely loving the budget nature of all the CTI challenges. Last week I was able to recreate the biscuit challenge in the comfort of my own lounge with just a Gingernut and the hope of a better tomorrow. Let me ask you a question, esteemed reader, what biscuit do you think has the most traction? Because it certainly wasn’t a Gingernut, and you take that right to the bank, to John Banks, and all the way to Banksy. 

Anyway, what were we talking about? 

ELIMINATED: Lana Van Hout

I feel like Hermes the Hermit Crab got more screen time than poor Lana, so I have penned her this moving farewell verse. 

Goodbye Lana Van Hout
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to wear a blouse
And you never caught a trout

ELIMINATED: Rosanna Arkle

Despite her commitment to cutting edge safety bikinis ft. their own built-in seatbelt mechanism, Rosie never quite managed to “make it click” with this competition. “This is so not my thing,” she said, resting sullenly on a sad Cunliffe log of one’s own. She was right – one intense foot fetish challenge later and her 4.7 million-follower arse was shown the door.

Miss you already Rosie. 

11) Sam Wallace

The CTI supervillain takes out the bottom spot again, thanks to his extreme faux sincerity when Lily was seemingly on her 5 star deathbed. “I like Lily, and we can friends later in life,” said Sam, smacking his lips in anticipation of a newer, stronger, manlier celebrity taking her place on his team. Alas, Lily powered back up and Sam couldn’t have been happier. 

I also really enjoyed this bizarre demonic brainfart:

That’s right folks, Sam Wallace has drawn a line in the sand re: idiots, and it just so happens to be the shape of a giant schlong. 

10) Eric Murray

I am truly charmed by Eric Murray’s elaborate set-up to make him a piping hot cup of Joe in the morning. Turns out he is not just an Olympian but a builder, butcher, barista and baker. But it’s going to take more than a long plait of damper to climb to the top of these rankings, Rapunzel ‘Ric. 

9) Athena Angelou

I think Athena was speaking for all us when she said this:

Because this is… mfw chocolate cravings, your honour

No further questions.

8) Shane Cameron

Shane was so hungry and angry this week, so I feel like we really connected spiritually. Not just over that, but also because I realised he does exactly what I do: make one of three jokes over and over again with a very slight variation and hope that nobody notices.

Well, game recognise game. 

One day later…

In short, Shane Cameron is my fight song. Take back my life song. 

7) Matty McLean

I know I was all about Matty last week, but he had a bit of a quiet one in week two. Maybe it is because he spent too long reclining on the entirely useless chaise lounge that Mako won…

… or maybe it was because he did too many fake weather reports to camera and forgot what he was actually doing there. 

That said, he was the first to dare question Barbara’s leadership, and seems genuinely frustrated that nobody is really playing the game yet. I still believe there’s something percolating behind those baby blues and, when it’s fully brewed, I reckon it will be more scalding than Eric Murray’s boutique java. 

6) Lily McManus

Poor Lily was taken away from camp this week and put up in a hotel due to some crazy fever. Cue Dr Chizzy at her side with those caring saucer eyes, while Sam Wallace pondered whether or not to chop up her bed to use as kindling. Lily will rebuild, and she will stick around. I just hope she remembers to take her hearing aids out before running into the ocean. 

5) Moses McKay

Of course the man with the Bible-adjacent name has a holey (holy) scarf. Of course he has the charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to figure out that he can use it to catch fish. Of course, he didn’t catch a single fish. But I respect the hustle and, of course, the handsomeness. Plus, check out this dramatic staging!!! That’s big budget opera drama right there.

4) Jodie Rimmer

Jodie Rimmer is a living breathing meme, whether it was when she was spying on Sam and Eric through the bushes:

Or acting like she wasn’t sad she had lost the challenge:

Or sensually rubbing egg yolk into her face after the challenge. 

3) Gary ‘The Whizz’ Freeman

My heart aches for The Whizz, who has choked twice in major team challenges this week and is taking it so badly that he’s not even wearing his huge hat anymore. Tasked with chucking beanbags onto barrels (harder than it looks but try it with a Gingernut), he was four points ahead of Eric Murray before the rower’s caffeine buzz hit and he completely smoked him. 

In a way, The Whizz is a bit like Choc Whizz. Starts out like easy going liquid but then hardens under pressure, before crumbling and ruining your dessert completely. To add insult to injury, Barbara basically told him to his face that he wasn’t a strong enough competitor to save, and he delivered a Titus Andromedon reaction for the ages.

2) Barbz Kendall

First of all, here’s a picture of you at Friday drinks in the office:

She might be the Demon Barbz of Fleet Street, but at least Barbara is doing SOME kind of strategising here. Able to gain her daily nutrition off nothing but sea air and the hope of a six point glassy break on the horizon, Barbz is refusing to let her team trade their clues for any whiff of food. It’s all good, she’s got crooks guts anyway. 

The tide is turning on Barb for sure but, as she always says, “you can’t control the waves but you can learn to surf.” Hopefully she’s applying that to her bowels, too. 

1) Shannon Ryan

What a beast of a week for Shannon. I stan the Shan. I have joined the Shan Clan. She annihilated Rosie in the elimination challenge, stacking teeny blocks up precisely with her feet like a lovely chimp who has been living in LA and doing pilates for the past coupley years. She’s got a brain in her head, a heart on her sleeve and a clue in her cleavage, and it was only a matter of time before she overthrew Sam Wallace and went Mad Max on everyone’s asses. 

Leading by listening to her team (gasp!) and considering the future of the game (double gasp!) Shannon has already shown the way things are done differently when you fly Ryanair. She takes the team through some yoga exercises before the challenges, she calls cheese “the happy food” and her mantra is that “it’s not the problem that’s the problem, it’s your attitude to the problem.” Rosanna may be gone, but it’s safe to say there’s a new GC in town.