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Comedian Nick Rado’s guide to the health fads that are actually massive scams

Comedian Nick Rado’s life changed drastically when he married a yoga instructor. For one thing, he learnt more than he ever wanted or needed to know about whole foods, super nutrients, and health fads in general. Here he shares his hard-won knowledge.

Hello! My name is Nick Rado and I’m the head writer for Three’s 7 Days, a stand up comedian, and father. I’ll be performing Live, Laugh, Love in the comedy festival this year, a show all about how I went from a bloke who loved sports, drinking beer, and watching sports while drinking beer, to my world somehow becoming all about Pinterest, ‘occasional’ chairs and vegan leather couches – all since meeting and marrying my yoga instructor wife. In a year of political instability and the threat of World War 3, I want to guide you through some health fads which I believe are scams.

1. Kombucha 

Kombucha is like a fermented tea version of Yakult. It’s supposed to improve overall gut health, the immune system and increase energy levels, but since drinking it all I’ve noticed is a 40% increase in smugness. It’s made from a SCOBY disc, which is an acronym for Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast. That sounds much more like a TripAdvisor review for Hamilton than something I would want to ingest. Kombucha apparently helps with weight loss, because of course it does, because at $18 a bottle you can’t afford to buy any other bloody food to gain any weight.

2. Kale Chips

Kale is low in calories, high in fibre, and has zero fat. We get it, one cup of kale only has 36 calories, but can we settle down with calling the things chips? Kale chips? They aren’t chips, they are just individual leaves of kale. It doesn’t even look like a chip!

That’s like saying:

“Would you like to try some of my Spinach pizzas?”

“Aren’t they just individual leaves of spinach?”

“Ah yes, but because I’ve added the word chip onto the end, we can sell them for three times as much”

Here’s my new rule: If it taste’s like shit … it’s not a chip.

Nick Rado

3. Chia Seeds

Chia seeds are an easily digestible source of protein, omega 3 fatty acids, fibre and Vitamin B. Apparently they were also used by the Aztec Mayan warriors before going into battle. Why is this a selling point? It’s not as if you are going to go into a store and have this conversation: “Have you got anything that would make me feel a little less blurgh in the morning?” “Certainly, we have the chia seed, a seed so powerful that the Aztec Mayan warriors digested them to create a drive inside them so great, they would risk their lives to raid Dos Pilas to avenge the death of their fallen brothers in arms and take back the city that was rightfully theirs!” “Right … so you just sprinkle that on top of your cereal or?”

4. Health Fads In General

Health fad extremists claim health benefits the same way that ISIS claim terror attacks. No matter how loosely related the health benefit is, they will claim it. My sore throat is gone, that will be the kombucha. My flexibility has increased, that will be the kombucha. I got a tax rebate, that will be the kombucha. How come you unfollowed me on Instagram? … That will be the kombucha.

Leaders of health fads are exactly the same as leaders of extreme terrorist groups.  It almost always starts out because of funding from America, is overly hyped up by the media, and they’re always trying to convince you to go on some training retreat hidden in the mountains.

Any who, I have many more things I want to discuss with you and get off my chest, so come to my festival show Live, Laugh, Love to hear all about it. In the mean time I better go as my wife has booked me a floatation tank session and I don’t want to miss the most expensive bath in the history of man kind.

You can win a double pass to the opening night of Live, Laugh, Love in Auckland or Wellington by emailing natasha@thespinoff.co.nz with which city you’d like to see the show in. Alternatively, you can book tickets here.

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