Which brand will wipe out the competition?

We use it every day on the most intimate parts of our body, and it’s the first thing New Zealanders panic buy. Bog roll, as far as disposable consumer goods go, is deeply personal. Some people refuse anything less than four ply, insistent that only the best will do and unwilling to entertain a single ply fewer. Others argue that since it’s literally wiping shit and going down the sewage pipe, only a fool would waste their money on fancy loo paper.

Is ignorance really bliss? How different is four ply compared to two? What does “shea butter-infused” loo paper feel like and would you notice the difference? Our heroic team of Spinoffers folded, wiped and flushed their way through 16 kinds of toilet paper available in supermarkets to bring you our latest ranking. Testing was blind (in that we didn’t know which variety we were testing), embossings were judged and some rolls were even weighed. Each ranker gave each roll a mark out of 10, which were averaged out to get the final scores. Here’s how the bog rolls of Aotearoa fared, ranked from worst to best.

16) Pams Value White 2 Ply Toilet Tissue

1.8/10

$2.79 for a 12 pack from New World and Pak’nSave ($0.13 per 100 sheets)

The cheapest per-sheet price in New Zealand supermarkets (there are 180 sheets on each roll) came with some compromises. Our judging panel declared this offering from Foodstuffs’ Pams Value brand “thin”, “weak” and difficult to open (you wouldn’t want to be in a hurry starting this one). “It’s two ply but it feels like one ply. This is like when the forecast says it’s 16 but feels like eight,” critiqued Spinoff editor Veronica Schmidt. “It’s not great, but I guess it would do the trick if you’ve got nothing else,” noted deputy editor Alice Neville.

15) Essentials White Toilet Tissue 2 Ply

2.4/10 

 $1.80 for a four pack from Woolworths ($0.25 per 100 sheets) 

This contender from Woolworths’ home brand does what it says on the tin. Essential by name, essential by nature, this is your basic, bog-standard (sorry) toilet paper. It’s one of the cheapest options at a per-pack level in New Zealand supermarkets – you could buy four rolls with a gold coin and come away with change. Sizing up to a 12 pack or 40 pack will reward you with even more cost savings – that product is only $0.13 per 100 sheets.

But what did our testers think? Veronica was reminded of port-a-loo rolls, cautioning that “you’re not going to have a good time with this”. One Spinoffer thought it felt more like “tissue paper for gift wrapping” than toilet paper. Alice judged the absorbency non-existent and the whole thing a “waste of damn time”. This was certainly the case for me; I struggled to get the roll open, ending up with torn paper and separated plies – a situation that could have been disastrous depending on the circumstances.

14) KiwiSoft White 2-Ply Toilet Tissue 

2.7/10

$7.19 for an 18 pack from major supermarkets ($0.22 per 100 sheets)

Another low-cost, no-frills option, this one is from CottonSofts’ budget sub-brand. It’s two ply and certainly felt like it, and while it wasn’t the softest, one Spinoffer commended its “good grip”. This could be due to its pinprick embossing, something Alice praised for its tactile appeal. “Although trypophobics may not feel the same way,” she conceded. “Other than that, it hasn’t got much going for it.”

13) EarthSmart Toilet Tissue (2 ply)

2.8/10

$7.19 for a six pack ($0.29 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

The most eco-conscious product available at mainstream supermarkets, EarthSmart is another one that falls under the CottonSoft umbrella. Both the loo paper and cardboard core are made from 100% recycled material and, unlike its plastic-sheathed competitors, EarthSmart’s packaging is made from paper. However, as eco-minded people know, it’s not just what you’re using, it’s how you’re using it. Multiple Spinoffers expressed shock at how thin and flimsy the sheets were. “You’d have to use an environmentally devastating amount just to feel any sense of security,” noted Ātea editor Liam Rātana. “To be fair, it held together though.”

12) Cotton Softs 2ply White Triple Length

4.96/10 

$11 for a six pack ($0.31 cents per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

With a gargantuan 600 sheets per roll, equivalent to 18 regular rolls, this is a generous option. “It’s a long roll and the squares are of a decent size,” confirmed Alice. “But it’s pretty flimsy; you need a few squares at a time.” The consensus was resounding in its averageness as an everyday roll. “Look, it’s fine,” said Veronica matter of factly. “Great if you’re in a rush,” added another Spinoffer. “The first peel was easy.”

11) Purex Soft White Unscented (two ply)

5/10

$2.99 for a four pack ($0.33 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

Not just embossed, this is double embossed. Don’t be wooed by that though, it’s still your standard bog roll. “You’re not in luxury range here, but your butt is not suffering,” Veronica said empathetically. It’s handily pocket sized, noted one team member, making it good for those “just in case I need to go toilet in the bushes” moments. Among the softest of the bunch, I found this to be a tidy little roll with no airs and graces. 

10) Purex Mega Long White (two ply)

5.2/10

$8.60 for a six pack ($0.35 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

Not just long, mega long. This boasts a bountiful 410 sheets per roll – more than double standard Purex rolls. With easy-to-open rolls and “decently proportioned” squares, it’s a user-friendly option, earning a resounding chorus of “strong” from our testers. It also looks tidy, with nice smooth ends (shout out to anyone with tactile sensitivity reading this).

9) CottonSofts 3ply Posh

5.3/10

$7.99 for a 12 pack ($0.39 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

It’s marketed as posh, and Alice guessed this was probably a “classy bog roll”. While not necessarily belonging in a stately home, the cloud embossing will mentally transport you from the bathroom to a pillowy pile of cumulus. The paper is pillowy too; notes were made on the absorbency, firmness and paper quality. Sheet-wise this was at the lowest end of the products we tried – only 170 sheets per roll – but those who want more can size up: CottonSofts also sells a “mega” (and marginally more affordable) version with 400 sheets on each roll. 

8) Quilton 3 Ply Softness with Coconut Oil

6.33/10 

$6.50 for a six pack ($0.46 per 100 sheets) from Woolworths

What it lacks in size (180 sheets per roll) this Australian contender makes up for in ply and panache. That opulence wasn’t lost on Spinoff staffers. “Sit on your throne and wipe with the royalty of TP,” lauded Schmidt. “Decorated in a tasteful tulip pattern, this is pure luxury for your undercarriage.” The floral embossing got a big tick from several testers. “Grandmotherly,” one noted.

7) Pams 3 Ply Toilet Tissue Long Roll 

6.42/10

$3.79 for a four pack, $0.35 per 100 sheets from New World and Pak’nSave

“Strong”, “solid” and “extremely EASY TO OPEN”, this proved to be a reliable everyday option. Even though Pams is a Foodstuffs house brand, this bog roll was comparable with its name-brand competitors. Spinoff staffers even waxed lyrical about the print. “The embossing makes it look bougie,” said Liam. “Almost like it belongs at a tropical resort.” Alice was even more descriptive. “Another pleasing pattern, it invokes a flag waving patriotically in a brisk breeze, with a braille-like effect on the reverse that is pleasing to touch with the hand, but a little rough when used for its intended purpose.”

6) Sorbent Hypo-Allergenic 3 Ply Long Rolls

6.66/10 

$9.50 for an eight pack ($0.44 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

Balancing strength and simplicity, this bog roll struck Spinoff testers with its less-is-more approach. The “good construction” and high structural integrity were noted, but some detected a “no frills” nature. “Made me think of loo paper at the footy games,” said Liam, no longer at a tropical resort.

5) Sorbent Silky White 3 Ply Long Rolls

6.8/10 

$6.19 for a four pack ($0.57 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

Another long roll, these have 270 sheets on each one. “Surprisingly effective,” noted one of our testing team. Several of the panel were impressed by the strength, while Alice enjoyed the “leaf-encased-in-a-diamond-or-a-rectangle-depending-on-what-angle-you’re-looking-at-it-from pattern”.

4) Quilton Shea Butter in Gold 4 Ply

7/10

$6.50 for a six pack ($0.77 per 100 sheets) from Woolworhts

Now this is fancy, with a price tag to match. There’s even “novel” four-leaf clover embossing, which did make me wonder whether I needed the luck. While one tester scored this 10/10, others found the softness lacking, and Alice wasn’t a fan of the “Quilton loves your bum” slogan to be found inside each roll, alongside “Made in Brisbane”. “Disgusting and unnecessary,” she noted. “What is wrong with Australians?”

3) Paseo 4Ply Ultrasoft Luxury Long Rolls

7.2/10 

$9.50 for a six pack, $0.75 per 100 sheets from Woolworths and New World

Holy shit this was big, too big for the toilet roll holder at Spinoff HQ! It kind of felt like using paper hand towels to wipe your nethers. But as we know, it’s not all about size, it’s how you use it. Even a few of the “outrageously large” sheets felt like an overreaction to a standard wee, and some testers felt they could have been softer. Although perhaps that’s not the goal. “It sports a light butterfly pattern, but don’t be fooled by the whimsy,” warned Schmidt. “This roll could handle the most dire/diarrhoea situation.” 

2) Paseo Everyday Luxury 3Ply Long Roll

7.6/10

$9.79 for an eight pack ($0.37 per 100 sheets) from Woolworths and New World

This is billed as velvety, and our testers were inclined to agree. “Soft and thick feeling,” judged one Spinoff team member. “An aspirational wipe,” agreed another. For such a high-quality TP, it’s also rather affordable – everyday luxury indeed.

1) Sorbent Thick & Large Silky White 3 Ply

7.66/10

$9.50 for an eight pack ($0.57 per 100 sheets) from all major supermarkets

A hit with The Spinoffice, this one was another girthy roll. “Nice and thick,” we noted – it only just fit on our toilet roll holder. The soft, sturdy sheets meant one needed to use fewer of them. “Plush but not excessive,” ruled Liam. It was so nice (and with a stylish leaf pattern) that Schmidt felt its use warranted some gratitude practice.