Summer reissue: Kind-of vegetarian Alex Casey brings you the only meat-free fast food burger ranking you’ll ever need. 

First published October 31 2020

At the start of the year, several centuries ago, I went vegetarian. Kind of. As a coward with commitment issues, I decided to enter into a dietary Yes Man situation, where I would always say “yes” to eating vegetarian unless there was no other option left but to eat meat. It’s an extremely effective lifestyle choice that means I now basically never eat meat, with the exception of when I find myself randomly at the Federal Deli holding a chicken salad sandwich.

Throughout the course of this extremely mild social experiment, I have sampled what feels like every vegetarian burger option in the land. Cloying black bean and quinoa mushclump from a well-meaning regional pub. Thick golden slabs of haloumi, nature’s permission slip to eat a whole block of cheese in polite company. A fake meat burger so rich and juicy that it caused a close contact of mine to, and I quote, “shit their pants” at their place of work.

But this isn’t a boutique veggie burger ranking – your Fuels, your Wisconsins, your Velvets, your Murders, your Burgers, your Betters. This is a ranking of fast food veggie* burgers. The crazy ones. The misfits. The literal rebels™ on a meat-mad menu. On the one hand, they make you feel like pious Mother Teresa in the drive-thru line. On the other hand, they’re probably a greenwashing scam to keep Big Clown stomping all over the rainforest with his big clown shoes.

On the other hand, opting for a meat-free version of something isn’t the worst thing you can choose to do. We’re all just doing our best. Especially those of us who have three hands.

8) Wendy’s Salad Burger

In the words of Jack Torrance: Wendy. Darling. Light of my life. All salad and no patty makes me a sad girl. At the cheapest price of $5.10, you get what you pay for here. But at what cost. It’s sad (limp lettuce), so sad (pale tomato), it’s a sad sad situation (radioactive guacamole) and it’s getting more and more absurd (sweet chilli sauce???). I would just like to remind the jury, your honour, that this burger has already been found guilty on three counts of not having a patty.

“Who says that salad has to taste boring?” pleads Wendy on her website, with the same desperation of David Brent asking whether famine has to be depressing. This paltry effort honestly feels like the time I asked my mum for a vegetarian lasagne for my birthday and instead of subbing out the mince for something else, she did away with the bolognese altogether and just served up layers of pasta sheets and white sauce. Desgusten.

7) Burger King Salad Burger

Before we get to the judge’s critiques, I would like to publicly acknowledge the heritage of the Burger King Salad Burger, which I understand to have been the ONLY actual vegetarian fast food burger option available for the longest time in this country. So, kudos to this trailblazer, the first to take non-meat eaters seriously and not just expect us to sheepishly pack an empty cheeseburger full of chips and call it a night (although this is yum and fine too).

BUT we have since moved on as a society and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we simply do not have the emotional capacity to deal with this much onion in 2020. It’s absurd to dish up deep fried onion rings AND giant pieces of raw onion in the SAME burger. It’s onions two ways, it’s Tony Abbott’s fantasy and it is Shrek’s wedding vehicle. Don’t cry because the BK salad burger days are over, but don’t laugh either because your breath will kill a mid-size bird.

6) Burger King Big King XL

I’m obsessed with the trend of fake meat burgers constantly trying to out-macho each other, through thickness, size or meatiness. Burgerfuel’s American Muscle is a great example, a jacked-up fake meat burger that simply does not need to be as angry as the roid-rage branding or gargantuan heft suggests. Honestly, the second that any fast food chain comes out with a fake meat patty that isn’t the size of an actual bodybuilder’s bum cheek, it’s over for you bitches.

Anyway, while we are trapped in this weird machismo marketing dick-swinging competition, the Super King XL is about as hectic as it gets. I understand it’s exciting that fake meat is nearing simulacrum, but Burger King has flown way too close to the sun here. Doubling down on the fake meat patty works only to highlight the flaws and amplify the weird unnatural squeak that comes with the dried-out edges of the patty. It’s a fake meat fake Big Mac and it’s too much.

5) McDonald’s McVeggie

Mike Posner taking a pill in Ibiza < me eating a McVeggie in Wellsford. This burger was an absolutely unparalleled trip. Shrouded in controversy and confusion for not actually being vegetarian at all, the McVeggie fuels its own chaos by only being available in selected stores. I can attest to its availability in Wellsford, but if you try to veg out in Point Chevalier you are going to be met with the advice to “pop an egg in there instead” and that’s your journey.

It might be for the best that you can’t get it everywhere, because this burger feels like it contains an ancient curse. The patty vibes like a corn fritter, but then reveals itself to be basically a post-mammogram croquette. It contains cheese (!), cheerful bits of corn and green flecks and carrots which made me feel nostalgic for The Old Days when coffee was black or white instead of latte or mocha at some trendy site.

Would I marry it? No. Would I eat it again? Probably.

4) KFC Vegetarian Burger

Full props to this humble burger for starting the public conversation about something many of us know in our most private and shameful of hearts – that anything is basically fine if you put a hash brown in it. There’s a real subversive freedom to menu items like this, same food family as the burgers you can buy with glazed donuts instead of buns, or those Mexican Tank salads that you can get corn chips crushed into and it’s fine because it’s salad. I appreciate the no-nonsense, delicious approach that very much makes sense with the wider KFC fantasy.

Extra for experts: I know that I’ve stayed strictly “on menu” up until this point but if I may make a rogue suggestion – get supercharged sauce on this. You won’t regret it.

3) Carl’s Jnr Veggie Burger

I’ll be honest, I did not see this coming either. I had extremely low expectations for Carl’s Jr in the meat-free market, given that they are mostly known for quadruple-stacked beef burgers and making ladies writhe around on sudsy cars in their underclothes. But after trying their veggie burger, I was so stunned and impressed that I had to physically restrain myself from donning an American flag bikini and ascending onto the hood of our Mazda Demio.

This burger is crazy, good, and crazy good. It’s got smoky tomato chutney in it for god’s sake. Crispy fried onion straws! Pickles! Aioli! Cheese! Lettuce! A sundried tomato, potato and kūmara patty! Full respect to Carlton and the team for actually giving non-meat-eaters a bit of texture and excitement to work with, but this should absolutely not be in the “lighter eats” part of the menu as I predict it weighs about three kilograms. That’s value.

2) Burger King Rebel Whopper

Obviously The Whopper is a classic of the genre and Burger King’s plant-based alternative certainly appears to fool many Kiwi punters on the telly. But we need to be honest here, you can still tell the difference. Past the distractions of pickle, aioli, tomato – and cheese if you’re fancy – the patty is still not quite there. Rip a bit of it off on its own and you will still feel the unnatural rubbery feeling, the slightly laboratorial taste.

All that said, it’s still a bloody, bloody good burger and one that would happily get anyone through a hangover and/or roadie with no problem whatsoever. What holds this back from the top spot for me is that I feel like there’s a lot of places to hide in the Whopper format, and you could probably put a patty made of mouse crap in there and it would still taste pretty good. What this reviewer likes is confidence and simplicity, embodied by burger number one….

1) Burger King Rebel Chook

With only four no-frills elements – shredded lettuce, tangy lemony mayonnaise, a fake chook patty and the classic elongated bun, there are simply no bells, whistles or machismo to be found with the Rebel Chook. Chicken is easier to fake, given that chicken nuggets are basically made of knuckles and sawdust, which gives this meat-alternative a huge advantage. BK is so confident in its fake chook that you can also buy it in tender form, which speaks volumes. I haven’t seen any fake beef rissoles on the menu, put it that way.

What else to love? Another close contact pointed out to me recently that this is “the perfect driving burger.” And, as we all know, food consumed in the car, the airport and the movies doesn’t count, so that’s another tick in its favour. Fake chicken can be a bit on the dry side, but the Rebel Chook anticipates this with lashings of zesty mayo and crisp lettuce. Mark my words – the Rebel Chook is perfect and the future is officially here. You don’t need real meat to have a nice time when you can just get this rebel without the claws. No further questions.

*many of these are not technically vegetarian, but neither am I really

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Summer reissue: A definitive answer to a burning question: what is the best gluten-free bread of them all?

First published October 21 2020

Outside of coeliac circles, not many people know that gluten-free bread is actually better than regular bread. It’s true.* After years of fastidious experimentation and perfecting, gluten-free bakers have now produced a product vastly superior to its wheat-filled counterpart. From the ingredients, to the texture, taste and packaging, many gluten-free loaves are packed with a certain quality and kindness that you’d never find in your mid-shelf Tip-Top or Molenberg.

(*Ed’s note: I call bullshit on this but imma let him finish)

That’s why gluten-free is considerably more expensive than the standard kind. You pay a premium for quality ingredients. And of course, people are typically prepared to fork out more money for foods that don’t provoke in them diarrhoea, skin rashes and a gradual erosion of the small intestine.

Eating gluten-free is one of those dietary preferences that’s met with a lot of eye rolling – even more than drinking soy milk or eating tofu. I’m not entirely sure why; maybe it’s because bread and pies are just some of those classic, middle-of-the-road Kiwi staples you don’t fuck with. Or maybe because gluten-free has become so popular it’s now an irritating symbol of new-age dietary fussiness.

Personally, I think it’s because you’re all secretly jealous of my awesome, abundantly seeded bread. But, most likely, it’s the fact that many people eat gluten-free even when they don’t need to.

Take me, for instance; I haven’t been diagnosed with coeliac disease (I haven’t had the test) and I know I won’t immediately die or have a seizure if I eat gluten. So really, I don’t need to eat gluten-free in the life-or-death sense of the word. I do, however, get rather debilitating and inconvenient headaches, which, through the careful process of elimination, I’ve attributed to foods containing gluten – or technically the proteins gliadin and glutenin found in wheat, rye and barley.

So after many years of tolerating my symptoms and popping a couple of Panadol everyday, I made the radical decision to avoid the offending food and switch to a tolerable alternative. As I result, I’ve eliminated the headaches and become quite the connoisseur of gluten-free bread in the process.

Which is why I’ve been able to craft this definitive ranking to satiate the inquisitive masses and answer the age-old question: which gluten-free bread is the best gluten-free bread of them all?

If you’re thinking surely there aren’t enough gluten-free breads to rank, you’d be wrong. There are dozens of different flavours and brands, all varying in taste, cost, nutritional value and stockist. These are the holy pillars on which I’ve built my list of the 10 greatest GF loaves, which can be found either at the supermarket or your local boutique, organic, high-end grocery store.

I hope that reading the list, ranked from worst to best, brings you as much enjoyment as you’ll surely get from eating the bread itself.

10) Home St Sliced Loaf Keto

We start the list of bread with the most expensive. When I first purchased this dark brown-crusted number, I hoped it would taste like chocolate. In reality, the flavour is the furthest thing from decadent. As a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, low-carb product, it tastes just like a big banal slab of nutrition. And while it might not tickle the taste buds as much as other breads, it’s a case study in the kind of quality ingredients found in GF breads: almond meal, chia, hemp flour and ground linseed. A steal at $11 a loaf from Countdown, New World etc.

9) Bürgen Gluten Free Sliced Bread Sunflower & Chia Seed

Coming in next is Bürgen’s gluten-free bread in sunflower and chia flavour. While it isn’t the tastiest, and becomes stiff with rigor mortis after a few days in the fridge, this bread makes the cut because of its pure ubiquity. Found in great quantities on shelves in virtually every supermarket in New Zealand, this was the first gluten-free bread (and only one available) I ate when I first switched over. It is, quite literally, the Bürgen of gluten-free bread.

8) Vogel’s Gluten Free Sliced Bread 6 Seed

It would be a crying shame to write a bread ranking without including the iconic Vogel’s. So its six seed variety comes in at eighth place. Another supermarket special, this one gets points for optimum crispiness after toasting and the liberal inclusion of seeds. But mostly, I’ve included it for nostalgia, because no matter how much I enjoy gluten-free bread, I desperately miss eating regular Vogel’s.

7) Venerdi Paleo Super Seeded Bread

The seventh spot goes to the nutritionally dense loaf made for the bulking lady or gentleman. Take a slice to the gym to chew between dead-lift sets – the 11g of protein per serving is bound to go straight to your biceps. But at $10.99 per loaf, it is not for the faint of heart, nor empty of wallet.

6) Dovedale Keto Hemp Bread

Untoasted gluten-free bread can have its charms, but mostly it just tastes like cardboard. But whack a slice of Dovedale’s Keto Hemp Bread in the toaster and slather some butter on it and suddenly it comes to life like a Flaming Moe. Once crisp and warm and covered in spread, it tastes almost like fruit toast or hot cross buns. But you won’t find any raisins in this loaf – it’s keto, whatever that means.

5) Bakeworks Liberté Gluten Free Bread Wholemeal Sliced Loaf

At the midway point, this one proves wrong the maxim that untoasted GF bread is inedible. Straight out of the toaster or the bag it goes down fairly well, making it ideal for sandwiches. My colleagues whom I persuaded to try the bread praised its doughiness – a rare quality in usually cracker-dry gluten free bread. Taster’s notes included: “It’s actually quite good,” and “it tastes like three-day old Tip Top!” $7 from Countdown.

4) Midnight Baker Buckwheat Freedom Loaf 

It’s dense, it’s nutritious, it’s quality, it’s $17! This bread should probably be higher on the list, but its price takes it beyond the budgets and bellies of many as a regular purchase. And yet there’s a reason why it fetches such a lofty sum in the marketplace; hand-baked from a boutique baker in Auckland, it’s packed with pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, organic buckwheat flour and even comes in a paper bag.

3) Bread Kind Loaf Everyday Gluten Free 

A lot of the issue with gluten-free bread comes down to money. That’s why Bread Kind’s Everyday Loaf comes in at third place. At $5.50 from Countdown, it’s the cheapest one I could find. It’s actually very tasty and versatile too. The low-end gluten-free breads are typically critiqued because of the amount of refined carbohydrates they contain: modified tapioca starch and maize flour, for instance. So if you’re looking for a nutritionally dense option, this everyday bread may not be something to eat every day.

2) Venerdi Gluten Freedom Sourdough Sweet Potato 

The number two spot goes to the bread with the most interesting flavour. This one has a slightly sweet taste, courtesy of the kūmara flour that’s used in the baking. It’s soft, it’s light and it’s delectable. Good with just butter, or some scrambled eggs, or maybe some avocado. While it’s on the higher end of the price scale at $10, it’s a treat worth every cent.

1) Venerdi Organic Gluten Free Sourdough Six Seed 

Here’s the winner – the best gluten-free bread of them all. Venerdi Organic Gluten Free Sourdough Six Seed has all the makings of a champion: excellent taste and density, high nutritional value, and while it’s $10 at Countdown, if you’re in Auckland and have a Huckleberry in your neighbourhood, it’s only $7.49 a loaf.

But its best attribute, however, is that it looks and tastes identical to Vogel’s, as testified by my gluten-eating colleagues.

Best to keep a spare loaf in your parents’ freezer then. That way when you go over there for Sunday brunch, you can eat all the gluten-free bread you want and your family members will think it’s plain old Vogel’s, thereby reserving their disparaging scoffs and comments for another occasion.

It is, quite simply, the best bread to avoid the judgement and ridicule of your peers. Enjoy.

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