Air New Zealand released their new safety video this morning, featuring the legendary Louis Litt from legal drama Suits. Tara Ward buckles up to watch.
Prepare yourself for the brace position, because Air New Zealand just dropped its latest safety video. In typical Air New Zealand safety fashion, it’s filled with famous faces like Cliff Curtis, George Gregan and Stan Walker, all reminding us how not to die on a plane in a variety of wacky, hold-onto-your-side ways.
But I object, your Honour, because there’s only one face I want to see telling me to buckle up and settle down, and that’s the glorious Louis Litt from legal drama Suits.
For some reason, they call him Rick Hoffman in this video, like that’s his name or something. You can’t fool me, because I’ve watched nine million episodes of Suits and I would swear on the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that this is Louis Litt in the flesh. He’s out the gate, he’s on the plane, he’s taking us to a whole new world where safety comes first. Our lives are in his hands, and I’ve never felt more secure.
Air New Zealand’s new video begins in a ‘top secret’ location called the Area 39 Research Facility, which is exactly what I imagine the Koru Club looks like. It’s 19 long seconds before we get Litt up, which is 19 seconds of people who are not Louis Litt sitting around a table yelling random words like “RUGBY!” and “AWESOME!” and “I BRUSH MY TEETH WITH COLGATE BECAUSE KIERAN REID TOLD ME TO!”
Fine, that last one was me. I love sharing with the group as much as I love those lollies they give out at the end of the flight.
The big news is that Air New Zealand’s so bloody crazy about rugby that they’re changing their name to ‘Air All Blacks’. I’m sorry, what? Is this the law now, do we all have to change our name? Until I see a plane with ‘Air Louis Litt’ on the side, I will not be part of this charade.
But Louis Litt is on board with it and wins me over by waving his Air New Zealand jazz hands at me through a fancy screen. He’s pretending to be the airline’s lawyer, just like I pretend to be Harvey Specter’s girlfriend and/or a royal duchess. As a bunch of sportspeople and airline staff discuss what the Air All Blacks safety video should look like, Louis is the only one talking sense. “I have to ask you crazy Kiwis not to have any rapping, and no complicated safety demonstrations.”
Oh captain, my captain. Send Steve Hansen back to Arnotts and dispatch Kieran Reid to install a Plumbing World dunny, because I want Louis Litt in control of this flight. Destination? Anywhere. His version of the safety video is deliciously brief. Listen to crew instructions, “or you’ll be fired”.
You know what Louis Litt would do on a plane? He’d recline his seat before take-off. His hand luggage would be too big to fit in the overhead locker, he’d give the death stare to any small child who dared to blink, and he’d take a giant fistful of lollies at the end of the flight. I’d like to see that in a safety video, thanks very much.
“If it’s the All Blacks Air safety video, why don’t we just use the All Blacks?” Hell’s teeth, it’s Lord Steve Hansen piping up again. “How about we let the fans do the safety video?” chimes in Kieran Reid, and honestly, that’s the last thing we need. When have the masses ever done anything sensible? The last thing you trusted us with was Suzy Cato’s future on Dancing With the Stars, and look how that turned out.
Louis disappears while Japanese rugby fans put an oxygen mask on a robot (handy info for those of us with tiny robot children), before returning as a vision in yellow and red, inflating before our very eyes. He’s saving lives with every blow of the pipe. “Just so you know, this lifejacket clashes with my tie,” he says, before tuning out the All Black jibber-jabber to watch funny videos of cats. Louis Litt is all of us, really.
He’s Moby Dick, and he just swam in your goddamn waters, Air New Zealand. Sure, it was no Richard Simmons masterclass, but in the words of Kieran Read with the clean teeth, “that’s awesome”.
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