Online shopping can be fun, but not when it’s all yeast and toilet paper. There must be more to lockdown life, so we rounded up the most essential items that you can still buy under level four. 

Under alert level four, only essential items can be bought and sold. The powers that be have decreed some goods are essential to life: computers, leggings, and little menthol candies. You can buy 60 “Wyld for men” tablets, but there’s no chance of a spindle, or access to TradeMe to sell the dog-hair jumper you made with said spindle.

Despite the nix on crafting, there’s plenty to buy from the safety of our homes. It can be confusing and scary navigating the world of essential items, so we’ve compiled a list of the must-buys available for sale under lockdown. Go forth and stimulate the economy with these must-have, vital, crucial purchases.

10. Pore cleaner, $25.00

I’m no dermatologist, but I’m pretty sure pores are meant to be empty. Sitting around at home, they are gathering dust. Going for my daily jog they are gathering grime. Dusty, grimy pores! Yuck! What a relief it is that Kmart has made this essential tiny vacuum cleaner available, to suck the pore gunk out. Yes, I bled a little when I used it. This is called “balancing the humours” and it’s a long-established medical tradition.

9. Living & Co. canvas, $18.98

Books are not an essential item, but why buy a book when you can read this canvas that says “Life is better by the beach” over and over again? With a bit of good luck, you might even be near a beach when you read it. If you’re not, you could hang the canvas over a window and gaze into it, pretending the golden words are inscriptions torn by God into the fabric of reality.

8. 30ml Ice Watermelon Lychee Sub ohm Nicotine Salt, $9.99

Lockdown snacking is a killer, which is why a delicious vape juice could be an essential alternative to your nightly charcuterie board. This scrumptious Ice Watermelon Lychee flavour pairs beautifully with a robust Montepulciano, and doubles as a relaxing diffuser oil.

7. Freezeframe non-surgical breast enhancer, $69.99

This product claims to volumise, lift, and firm the appearance of breasts in as little as four weeks. That’s about as essential as a service can get, am I right, lads? No, but really, a swollen cleave can only be an advantage in lockdown. It can add a little pizazz to a Zoom, keep your pecs warm on a cold winter’s day, and will make for good eating when the lockdown never ends and our bubbles turn in on themselves.

6. Six pack of Diesels, $15.00

I’ll be the first to say a 12-pack of these is non-essential and, frankly, revolting. But sometimes you want a bourbon and cola tinged with petrol and aluminium. When the government takes away your right to cough on strangers, it’s not wrong to need a six-pack of pure masculinity to hand. Pro tip: bourbon and Coke Zero tastes exactly the same. Not Coke No Sugar or Diet Coke. It must be Coke Zero.

5. Fisherman’s Friend, $1.99

It’s a common misconception that these lozenges are meant to help with seasickness. We would not suggest you have seasickness in your own home. We are not fools. No-one can take a bath that hard. No, Fisherman’s Friend was designed to ease the hoarse throats of old fishermen who’d been out screaming at Poseidon all day. It’s an essential purchase for anyone stuck in isolation on a boat, yelling at the wind and the coastguard to bring them nourishment.

4. Victoria Bitter Thirst Eau de Toilette, $24.99

If you can’t throw a party, you can still smell like one. It’s not a “cologne”, it’s an “eau de toilette”; it smells like the VB you poured into the toilet last night, when you couldn’t bear to drink it any more. It is refreshing, surprisingly mild, and masks the worst of the toilette. A beautiful spritz with which to start yet another day of sitting around and doing nothing.

3. Pipedream Ultimate Fantasy Doll Carmen, $3499.99

For those of you locking down solo, may we suggest a little artificial company? Carmen features a super strong stainless steel skeleton with movable joints, just like a real woman! She doesn’t have to be just a sex doll. You could spray her with your favourite perfume (see above), wrap a dressing gown around her, and pop her in front of the telly – it’s just like hanging out with your mum. Making Carmen a cup of tea will give your lockdown purpose.

2. Cocktail umbrellas, $5.50

It is essential to keep your teeth clean, to protect mice from the rain, and to have a good time. Cocktail umbrellas get it all done. While the rubes at the supermarket clamour for yeast and lube, I will be stocking up at the party supply section. My drinks will be protected from the viral loads of any nose. They will remain exactly as wet as I made them – and no more! Thank you, cocktail umbrellas.

1. Fake grass, $33.00

Grounding. Mindfulness. Petanque. You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. Thanks to the Warehouse, your days of sitting on the green communing with nature aren’t over. You can buy some fake grass and stay in touch with fake Gaia. Walk on it, lie down on it, or make a tiny cricket oval on it. Yes, you could go for your silly little walk and touch your heel to the silly little berms, but why? Just think, who else has laid toes on the real grass outside? Keep your grass secret – keep it safe.