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Tiger-3

ParentsJuly 3, 2017

The Tiger Who Came To Tea: A true story

Tiger-3

The Tiger Who Came To Tea was first published in 1968. Written and illustrated by Judith Kerr, the classic picture book has long been ripe for a satirical re-write. Thanks to Thalia Kehoe Rowden, we have just that.

Once there was a little girl called Sophie, and she was having tea with her mummy in the kitchen, a room her mummy never seemed to leave.

Suddenly there was a ring at the door. Sophie’s mummy’s heart skipped a beat as she hoped for a visit from an adult – any adult – to help her feel less alone.

Sophie’s mummy said, “I wonder who that can be. It can’t be the milkman because he came this morning. And it can’t be the boy from the grocer because this isn’t the day he comes. And it can’t be Daddy because he’s abandoned us to enjoy adult company, respect, and fair pay for his labour. We’d better open the door and see.”

Sophie opened the door, and there was a big, furry, stripy tiger. The tiger said, “Excuse me, but I’m very hungry. Do you think I could have tea with you?” Sophie’s mummy said, “Of course, come in,” because the patriarchy had conditioned her since childhood to serve the needs of others.

From The Tiger Who Came To Tea

So the tiger came into the kitchen and sat down at the table, like he owned the place.

Sophie’s mummy said, “Would you like a sandwich?” But the tiger didn’t just take one sandwich. He took all the sandwiches on the plate and swallowed them in one big mouth full. Owp! Sophie’s mummy began to be very worried about how she would make the weekly housekeeping allowance stretch if her unwanted guest continued like this.

And he still looked hungry, so Sophie passed him the buns, like a good little girl, ready to serve all males of any species, even if it meant she would go hungry.

But again the tiger didn’t eat just one bun. He ate all the buns on the dish. And then he ate all the biscuits and all the cake – Sophie’s mummy needed to eat her feelings, so she had catered accordingly – until there was nothing left on the table.

So Sophie’s mummy said, in a parched whisper, “Would you like a drink?” And the tiger drank all the milk in the milk jug and all the tea in the teapot, without having any consideration for those who were serving him.

Not satisfied with rudely eating everything on the table, the tiger then looked around the kitchen to see what else he could find. The womenfolk, of course, said nothing.

He ate all the supper that was cooking in the saucepans… and all the food in the fridge… and all the packets and tins in the cupboard… and he drank all the milk, and all the orange juice, and all Daddy’s beer – Sophie’s mummy’s gin was well hidden from Sophie’s Daddy – and all the water in the tap.

Sophie’s mummy contemplated cleaning up yet more mess before she remembered the hidden gin.

Then he said, “Thank you for my nice tea. I think I’d better go now.” And off he went, without offering to help tidy up, of course.

When Sophie’s mummy woke up from her mid-afternoon nightmare, channelling her desperation as an oppressed victim of the capitalist patriarchy, she realised she had been too angry and depressed to do any housework or cooking all day, and she damn well wasn’t going to start now.

Sophie’s mummy said, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve got nothing for Daddy’s supper. Perhaps we can trick Daddy into suggesting we go out for tea.”

And Sophie found she couldn’t have her bath because Mummy couldn’t face cleaning up puddles on the floor today, and surely it was good for everyone’s microbiota to wash less often, anyway.

Just then Sophie’s daddy came home. So Sophie and her mummy told him that a tiger had eaten all the food and drunk all the drink.

And Sophie’s daddy mansplained, “I know what we’ll do. I’ve got a very good idea. We’ll put on our coats and go to a café.” And Sophie’s mummy was relieved that he thought this was all his own idea.

Years of being treated as a child had caused Sophie’s mummy to shrink to half the size of Daddy.

So they went out in the dark, and all the street lamps were lit by invisible workers, unappreciated by the patriarchal overlords, and all the cars had their lights on, and they walked down the road to a café.

And they had a lovely supper with sausages and chips and ice cream, because Daddy liked being the good cop, and didn’t trouble himself about sensible nutrition – that was mummy’s job.

In the morning Sophie and her mummy went shopping as an outlet for Sophie’s mummy’s emotional torment, and they bought lots more things to eat.

And they also bought a very big tin of Tiger Food, as a reminder of how to get through another day of drudgery.

Thalia Kehoe Rowden is a former Baptist minister and current mother and development worker. She writes about parenting, social justice and spirituality at Sacraparental.com.

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Look at Captain Feathersword – Honestly. Photo: Chris Ingham
Look at Captain Feathersword – Honestly. Photo: Chris Ingham

ParentsJune 30, 2017

RANKED: Gold Coast Family Theme Park Shows

Look at Captain Feathersword – Honestly. Photo: Chris Ingham
Look at Captain Feathersword – Honestly. Photo: Chris Ingham

Chris Ingam took his kids to the Gold Coast and reviewed and ranked every single theme park show so you don’t have to.

New Zealand loves the Gold Coast! So much so that Mediaworks spent loads of money making a reality show about it! And what New Zealand loves more than anything else about the Gold Coast? The theme parks clearly. Fun for kids of all ages they say.

But there are only so many times you can ride the Dora’s Carnival Carousel with the two year old before one of you gets bored, so you turn to the live action shows for entertainment. Most of the parks have some licensing agreement with a major studio allowing appearances by a teenager in an oversized animal costume of some description, and they’ve gone one step further than simply allowing a photo opportunity by having an all-singing, all-dancing show to give parents a chance to sit in the presence of a screaming throng of toddlers for half an hour.

Our family were lucky enough to have season passes for both major groups of theme parks, so I had the pleasure of sitting through EVERY SINGLE ONE of these shows (in many cases MULTIPLE TIMES) in order to power rank them for readers planning on taking a trip away from New Zealand’s endless winter in order to thaw out a little.

Looney Tunes Dance Party (Warner Bros Movie World)

Dance Party? More like Dance? Hardly! This ‘show’ was about as lacklustre as the word play used to start this entry. Sure, some of my favourite characters from my childhood pulled a few slick moves (who knew Foghorn Cleghorn was so flexible?) but this was more an opportunity for the park to fleece twenty bucks out of parents for a photo. That’s all, folks!

Dora the Explorer in Best Friends Day (SeaWorld)

With Australia’s history of not necessarily being the most welcoming to new immigrants, I have to say it surprised me to see a show devoted to a ten year old Central American girl which could have equally been taken by a local child. It’s Best Friends Day, which means Dora is looking for her best friend so they can have a picnic. Not her human best friend, cousin Diego, as you might expect, but Boots the taking monkey. All the favourites are encountered along the way (except Diego). Have you ever seen a puppet of a map? I have. It’s weird. Along the way, Boots has to battle crabs (not that sort of crabs, grow up). It’s simplistic. My two-year-old loved it. Then everyone danced, cos WE DID IT! Later on, Dora left me hanging for a high five, and humiliated me in front of my kids, so she gets vindictively marked down in these rankings.

Dora – Cold as ice. Credit: Chris Ingham

Tropical Fruit Tasting (Tropical Fruit World)

OK, I’m stretching the definition of show here, but I wanted to give an idea of how lowly I rate the Looney Tunes Dance Party. This was a really lovely and enthusiastic lady with a Ph.D. in fruit talking to us about fruit, and then letting us taste some fruit. The kids ate a lot of fruit. Also we took a tour of the fruit gardens, and saw a wild snake. Tropical Fruit World used to be called Avocado Land, and grows 200 tonnes of avocados a year, so it’s a great place to visit if you want to steal a deposit for your first house

Madagascar Live! (Dreamworld)

Presented in King Julian’s Theatre in the Jungle, this is just madness. It didn’t help that the sound quality was awful, but from what I could tell, King Julian was planning a party, but Alex the Lion isn’t invited. Then the Penguins from Madagascar invite all the kids watching to come and do a limbo across the stage. Except for my two-year-old daughter, who fell over on the steps and started crying instead.

After the limboing, Alex the Lion looks like he’s going to cry too, cos he still isn’t invited to King Julian’s party. Except…. SPOILER ALERT it was all a ruse all along and he is invited. Anyway, it looks like everyone likes to move it, move it. And isn’t that the most important thing? And I had a nice salad whilst we watched the show.

Later, King Julian gave me a high five and did a little dance. Take that Dora.

Blinky Bill’s Wildlife Rescuers (Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary)

I didn’t know much about Blinky Bill before I saw this show, and to be honest I don’t think there was that much to know anyway. He’s a koala, he has a koala girlfriend, and he wanted to put on a party of some sort. And there’s a baddy, who is a tiger, or a cat, or something that isn’t native to Australia, and the Cat likes littering and stopping parties. And they all sing songs, of course. One of the songs is about teamwork! What a moral! Except it isn’t anywhere near as catchy as the Wonderpets theme, so the moral was lost on my kids.

At the end, Blinky Bill became friends with the cat, and then a possum appeared and my two year old got to poke it. It was a weird show, but a welcome respite at least from wandering around looking at pieces of fur stapled to branches and labelled as koalas.

Later, Blinky Bill gave me a high five, even though I had no idea who he was. Take that, Dora.

Turtle Power! Photo: Chris Ingham

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (SeaWorld)

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, SeaWorld gets all the shows! Yeah, they do, but there’s no plot to this one. April O’Neil and the Turtles show up in the middle of the park, and all of a sudden some of Shredder’s henchmen turn up, and they fight. That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, and apparently the TMNT say Booyakasha instead of Cowabunga now. Didn’t Ali G make that saying ironically uncool 15 years ago? I dunno. They ate pizza at least, and apparently I’m an honorary ninja now. Turtle power!

Fish Detectives (SeaWorld)

Technically, not a show starring childhood TV characters, but what a blast. Sure, the performing sea lions (ooh, controversial, but I’m not getting into the morals of animal performers at the moment) are the stars of the show, but the real highlight is the STUNNING Dad jokes! A veritable Pun Show following the investigation of overfishing in the local harbour. The second time we saw this show the delivery of lines such as ‘if anyone can, Officer Peli can’ earned the cast a well deserved standing ovation from a packed crowd. I’d say more about this masterpiece of theatre, but I wouldn’t want to spoil all the jokes.

Look at Captain Feathersword – Honestly. Photo: Chris Ingham

Dorothy the Dinosaur’s Summer Beach Party (Dreamworld)

Man, Dreamworld must have paid mega bucks to get licensing rights from the Wiggles, because they really are milking them for all they’re worth now, which is probably wise as eight months post tragedy the longest lines in the park are for the Big Red Car Ride: Journey through the Wiggle House! Stop in the Wiggle Kitchen and sing Hot Potato! Watch as the fridge and oven open and shut spontaneously! Actually…. That’s really creepy, it’s almost as if Jeff and Murray didn’t just leave the band, they died and became Wiggle Poltergeists!

Much gentler is Dorothy’s Beach Party. Dorothy, Wags, Captain Feathersword and Fairy Claire (really? Sadly, I pride myself on my Wiggles knowledge and I’ve never heard of her) take a young audience through several of the Skivied foursome’s favourite hits. Even Rockabye Your Bear is there, damnit. I hate that song with a passion. The kids lap it up.

True star of the show, however, is the young dancer dressed as Captain Feathersword. He knows all the words, he’s really getting into the dancing. Later in the day, we see him boogying down to a song about how great it is to be a hippopotamus (sadly not titled Damn It Feels Good To Be a Hippo). I wish I loved my job even half as much as he clearly loves his.

Later, Henry the Octopus gives my EIGHT high fives. A High Forty even. Take that, Dora.

Living in the urban paradise of Palmerston North, Chris is a father of two and a husband of one. He has a more in depth knowledge of the Wiggles than he’d care to admit, and can recite Planes: Fire and Rescue from memory, yet somehow has only seen Frozen once. He’ll be reviewing regularly at The Spinoff Parents in between reviews you can find him on his blog Netflix and Children and on Twitter.

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This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $489 on average, which would buy enough nappies for months… and months. Please support us by switching to them right now.