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Tinned tomatoes (Paul Sableman CC-BY-2.0)
Tinned tomatoes (Paul Sableman CC-BY-2.0)

ParentsDecember 11, 2017

Please, no more bloody tinned tomatoes!

Tinned tomatoes (Paul Sableman CC-BY-2.0)
Tinned tomatoes (Paul Sableman CC-BY-2.0)

This morning the tireless women’s refuge campaigner Jackie Clark published a Facebook post explaining why her organisation doesn’t want donations of tinned tomatoes. It was a message that resonated with Jess Berentson-Shaw, who studies how to help low income families thrive.

Today an important treatise was released into the world, and it was about tinned tomatoes. More specifically it was about why women (all people really) on low incomes do not need or particularly want more bloody tins of tomatoes. The wonderful Jackie Clark, the titanium backbone of The Aunties Collective*, has much to say about those grim little containers of acidic judgement.

Along with some pretty stark insight into life for women and children who have to leave unsafe homes at Christmas time, Jackie’s Facebook tomato treatise was the perfect metaphor for the research I have done on what works best to overcome the terrible effects of economic vulnerability and family stress.

How economic vulnerability effects wellbeing: it’s about stress

When I started writing a book about what works to ensure all children thrive, what hit me was how much my culturally embedded prejudices about families on low incomes fought against what I was learning, which was that families and children on low incomes experience a raft of negative outcomes because economic stress breaks us all. It breaks our ability to think clearly, to recognise and take on opportunities as they present themselves and to manage our relationship problems. For children, it breaks their very biology – the science proves that children experiencing poverty-related stress develop differently from well-resourced children. Poverty is a brutal task master.

Perhaps I wanted to believe that I was different? That under intense pressure, if the worst happened and I hit the financial doldrums I would respond “positively to the challenge” and be OK. Implicit in such ideas is that somehow I would be – I was – a “better”person. We all want to believe that if life gets awful we would be our best selves, but actually when bad things happen often we are just our least selves. Under financial stress our mental and physical resources tank, and while our intentions may remain good, our ability to fulfil those intentions trickles away.

All parents want the best for their children

We all want the best for our children. At Christmas we are all under pressure to deliver on those parental intentions, and for those on low incomes the financial fire you have been fighting becomes a furnace.

One of the ways that New Zealanders try to help other parents fulfil those intentions is by donating goods: presents for kids, food to food banks and refuges. It’s the humanity that we share which drives us to want to help others at this time. Unfortunately, our good intentions do not always match people’s needs.

When Jackie wrote her treatise on tinned tomatoes she gave all sorts of practical explanations why the women she supports don’t need tinned tomatoes. But she was also telling us that while financial stress is a common factor in the lives of many of those women, the best solutions cannot be determined by other people. And that is exactly what the research shows: self-determination really matters in issues of poverty.

Why your tinned tomatoes may be no good to me

For each family under pressure there is a different back story, a different set of circumstances, different skills, different “lacks” driving the stress. Some families face a lot of debt, some families have accommodation issues, some families need childcare, some families need food, some families need clothes, some families need time, others need work that pays better and is closer to home. What you need when you are under pressure is not always going to be what I need.

It is exactly why the highest quality studies show us that when parents on low incomes (especially women) are given money without strings attached (not conditions or behaviours to undertake), their children thrive. Over and over again these studies show that children’s health, their educational achievement, their mental wellbeing improves. We also see improved mental health in mothers themselves.

It’s not rocket science really, it is addressing the main issue – the lack of money. What unconditional cash recognises is that it is lack of money, not lack of intention or care, that has led to a family’s suffering. And some other very powerful studies show that when parents receive additional cash they spend it on their children’s needs (all this research is discussed in detail in my book).

Money has power in our society – including the power of escape

David Hanna runs the Wesley Community Action in Wellington. His organisation has a very supportive but unconditional approach to the assistance they give people. They do not keep records of the number of times someone has accessed their food bank, but they will ask if they want to help in the community garden. David and his amazing staff have worked for years to support people, many of whom also happen to be in gangs, support their children in the way that works for them.

When I first met David a few years back he said something that really struck me – that money has power in our society now in a way it did not have before. He explained that, while donations of goods were very good at helping people 70 years ago, modern societal structures mean they are less effective today.

Money has always represented freedom, but it does so even more today. For a woman trying to break free of an abusive relationship, money represents escape. With money there is an alternative life she can build for herself and her children, debts she can free herself from and choices she can make on her own. But the way we support women in need has not yet caught up with that reality

Our support system fails to acknowledge the power of money

One of the issues Jackie Clark highlights is that she cannot give many women cash or even gift vouchers to get what they need because it will count as “income” if they are in receipt of any sort of benefit. With this additional “income”, benefit payments abate. It is a policy that directly contravenes the science on what would actually help people leave the benefit system altogether, and to help their children find their wings and thrive. It simply makes no sense, and is frustrating because it is based on the deeply ingrained bias that many of us carry: that parents on low incomes cannot be trusted; that their financial situation, their stress, is of their own making. We too often mistake the symptoms of poverty for the causes. The causes of course are complex, but they have much to do with the choices policy makers have made over the years – choices that have created a very difficult set of economic, employment and living conditions for people trying to thrive.

It is a bitter irony for families on low incomes that they are punished for policy decisions made by others – and then punished again if they accept the most powerful tool that would overcome the effect of those decisions. Money.

Christmas is hard, why do we make it harder? And no more fucking tinned tomatoes please!

As a side note, I find there is little to like about the tinned tomato. As the brilliant chef Kelda Hains of Nikau Café fame pointed out recently, when you used tinned tomatoes you just end up with a dish that tastes like tinned tomato.

*The Aunties Collective is an amazing organisation working with women and children who find themselves in the most rubbish of circumstances and needing support. Please go to their Givealittle page and donate whatever you can during this time of year that can be hard for so many.

Dr Jess Berentson-Shaw  is a researcher and public communicator. She consults on effective evidence-based policy, and helps people and organisations engage the power of good storytelling to change minds. Follow Dr Jess on Facebook.

Follow the Spinoff Parents on Facebook and Twitter.


This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $320 on average, which pays for a cheeky bottle of wine in the trolley almost every shop. Please support us by switching to them right now!

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Teenager and psychotherapist

ParentsDecember 8, 2017

What teenagers wish their parents knew

Teenager and psychotherapist

We’re often given the impression teenagers don’t want to share too much with their parents, but is that really the case? High school counsellor Louisa Woods asked real teenagers how communication with their parents could be improved.

Revelations of sexual assaults and harassment by Harvey Weinstein and other prominent men have filled social media feeds and news headlines for weeks on end. For those who have experienced something similar, it’s been a rough time. The stories emerging are appalling, and equally upsetting for some have been people’s reactions: the victim-blaming, the undermining, the outright denial; comment after comment following every article, every tweet, every post. Each one comes as a stark reminder of society’s skewed scales of justice where women, harassment, assault, and rape are concerned. For survivors of sexual violence, the commentary serves as a litany of judgements, questions, and accusations, all undermining their ability to see themselves as a victim, condemning them as somehow complicit in their own abuse.

 

I’ve had several young women through my office this past fortnight struggling to get those comments out of their heads. Their thoughts are dominated by what-ifs, should-haves, and if-onlys, their state of mind worsened by the fact they feel unable to talk for fear of being judged or getting into trouble. They tell me as much. Most of the time, they have a friend they download to. Sometimes a parent is aware of the broad strokes but not the ugly, uncomfortable detail. Rarely do they feel they can open up properly and get the support they need from the adults in their life.

It’s an all too common situation: teenagers unwilling or unable to confide in those they love the most, convinced they won’t understand. It’s a conviction parents find difficult to accept – most tell me they’re more than happy to talk with their kids – but perception is everything and is enough to stop effective communication in its tracks.  Parental perception can also be a road block; the majority of parents tell me their children don’t want to talk with them, reporting they are reluctant to engage in meaningful conversation, keep their distance, or are uncomfortable when certain topics are raised.

My experience with young people tells a different story. Most would love to feel safe and comfortable sharing details of their lives with their parents but are too worried about the repercussions, not only for them, but for you. Sometimes they sacrifice their own need to talk to protect you, and it’s true some conversations should come with a content warning. Hearing them can be harrowing; some challenge our values, some our long-held beliefs about who our children are, and some include the stuff of parental nightmares. Those factors make their stories all the more important to hear. Buckle up, assume the brace position, and if oxygen masks should drop from the ceiling, well, you know the drill.

Credit: Pixabay

Rather than relying on my take on things, and in the interests of giving teens a space to communicate openly and honestly and have their voices given priority (for a change, perhaps) I surveyed nearly 100 young people about communicating with the adults in their lives. What follows is a selection of some representative answers. I’m not going to claim my ‘findings’ are scientifically significant or even statistically so, but the answers are honest; the information telling in places and slightly heart-wrenching in others. Eighty percent of respondents, all aged between 13 and 20, agreed it was difficult to talk to their parents about important issues in their lives.

‘What do you wish your parents or caregivers understood about life as a teenager?

‘…it’s harder than it seems. There’s pressure on us all the time, to do well at school, to fit in and sometimes when we’re being a ‘typical teenager’ we’re just stressed out.’

‘It’s hard to fit in with people and that’s why we act out sometimes.’

‘…we do have a lot going on at school, sometimes more than they realise.’

‘Life is very confusing and sometimes I don’t have any explanations for my feelings.’

‘If we’re upset, or hurting ourselves, it isn’t automatically for attention.  Sometimes when we can’t express our feelings we’ll find other ways to release (e.g. misbehaving, drinking, sex).’

‘I wish my parents would understand that sometimes I don’t want to be here, even when everything seems to be going perfectly…not everyone is as tough as them and some of us need more support because we are more sensitive.’

‘…they say ‘Yeah, we were teenagers once’ but that was like in the 1970s and blimey a lot of things have changed since then.  They don’t get the peer pressure to be popular and socially active and they definitely don’t get technology.’

‘…when parents say ‘I never did that when I was your age’ 90% of the time they did, but also things have changed a lot and the way our lives are now are a whole lot more stressful. Most of us have jobs, most of us can’t go a day without being posted about on someone’s social media account and mental health is a bigger issue, the same goes with LGBT+ it exists, and it’s hard to talk about it when it falls on deaf ears.’

‘…no matter how much time teenagers can try and get away from social media it’s still there in their faces it’s literally everywhere so one wrong thing can get plastered everywhere then the parents blaming it on us as it being our fault’

‘…not everything can be solved by taking control and telling the child what to do.  If I ask a question or have a problem, I don’t want my parents to force me to do something.’

‘We are not really that different to them and we should not be treated differently.’

What conversations do you wish you could have with the adults in your life?

‘I honestly wish that parents could have conversations about sex and sexuality with their teenagers. Sure, it can be challenging to talk about, but I would feel much more supported and knowledgeable if my parents talked to me about this topic.’

‘I think sexuality is a big issue when it comes to being open and honest with parents due to feeling judged.’

‘The sex talk. Being able to be open about being sexually active. Stupid mistakes you make at parties…not having to lie about it so you still have the freedom to drink and party – usually the consequences are punishment enough.’

‘That I lost my virginity when I was 14. I’m now 18 and my mum still thinks I haven’t kissed anyone.’

‘I sometimes feel anxious when talking about my worries at school because it’s so important to my mum. Also I find it difficult to tell the truth about boys that I like because my mum strongly believes that it’s not important and will distract me from my studies.’

‘I wish I felt comfortable telling them what I get for my grades if it’s a low grade and I feel like should tell them my mental state but I know I will get judged, maybe worse.’

‘Things about my social life and my past. My depression and suicidal thoughts.’

‘Conversations about depression and or pain are topics that are hard to share as you feel you are a disappointment.’

‘I wish I felt like I could talk to my father straight up and not have to tip-toe around what I say so he doesn’t get angry.’

‘About anything and everything, but we just don’t talk to them about it because we try and impress them, we want them to be proud.’

*

Two things stood out for me in these, and the rest of the survey responses: the underlying feeling of a need to communicate, and the importance of the issues our young people want to discuss.

With the exception of one (frankly delightful) 15 year old who said of her parents, ‘I hit the jackpot…they understand everything I could want them to already’, every young person who responded to the survey indicated there were things their parents needed to better understand about their lives and conversations they didn’t feel comfortable having with them. Not one said they didn’t want to talk to their parents, and every answer carried with it a sense of reaching out for connection. Your children want to talk. They might not know how to raise certain topics. They might be apprehensive about your reaction. But they do want to talk. To you.

What’s more, they want to talk to you about the really important stuff. Life changing decisions, the beliefs and ideas that make them who they are, sexuality, mental health, risk taking, drinking, relationships, sex, career plans…you name it, they want to talk about it. Contrary to what we might be told about teenagers, even contrary to what they might tell you themselves, they want to share key information and sound out ideas. They just want to know they can do so safely, without fear of punishment, judgement, or of being a disappointment.

It’s up to you to create the conditions that allow them to do so. Be open. Be available. Don’t freak out (or at least wait until afterwards when they won’t have to watch while you white-knuckle a glass of medicinal alcohol). Listen, learn, and be there. No matter what.

Louisa Woods is a high school teacher and counsellor, currently filling her days looking after her own three children, writing a bit, singing a bit, and reading as much as she can.

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This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $320 on average, which pays for a cheeky bottle of wine in the trolley almost every shop. Please support us by switching to them right now!