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ParentsDecember 24, 2021

How to get your child to sleep on Christmas Eve in 10 easy steps

Contributing writer
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Worried about getting your kids to sleep on time amid all the excitement of Christmas Eve. Don’t worry, says Emily Writes – it’s easy when you know how.

First published in December 2018.

A new tool has been created to help parents with when is safe to hand out the Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. No it’s not a prescription for baby lorazapam. It’s a Christmas sleep calculator.

As the press release advises, The Christmas Sleep Calculator asks parents to enter how old their child is and what time they go to bed, then it works out when they will be in their deepest sleep by looking at the length of sleep cycles for a child of that age.

I put in my child’s bed time, 7pm. And his age, six. And I was given the result: 10.45pm.

Imagine putting your child to bed at 7pm on Christmas Eve and they actually go the fuck to sleep at 7pm on Christmas Eve. I tried the reality of what the situation will be on Christmas Eve – him going to bed at 11.30pm. And was told the best time to put out presents is 2.45am. Perfect!

That’s what I was going to do at 2.45am anyway!

I went to work out my three-year-old’s “deep sleep” time, and “FUCKING NEVER WHY WON’T YOU FUCKING SLEEP” wasn’t an option on the sleep calculator so I didn’t do it.

Here are my easy steps for getting your child to sleep on Christmas Eve.

1. Keep your normal routine

Yes it’s Christmas Eve, but you must calmly explain to your children that it’s still just a normal night and they need a good sleep so that they’re not tired. They’ll listen to you. Promise. In our house this is our routine, feel free to adopt it:

Story

OK one more story

OK bath time!

Hop in the bath sweetheart!

I said bath.

Bath please.

BATH!

BATH NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get your clothes off!

NOW!

CLOTHES OFF!

OFF. OFF. OFF.

NO you can’t wear your socks in the bath!

BATH

BATH

Then we put on PJs.

PJs please!

PJS.

I won’t say it again. Do I need to say it again?

I’m counting to three.

Bed time.

Lights off.

I got you water.

Teddy is with you.

No you can’t.

It’s bed time.

Bed.

Turn the light back off.

Routines work on normal nights so they’ll definitely work on Christmas Eve. Just ask your children nicely to go to bed. Oh that doesn’t work for you? I guess my kids just respect me as their parent. Maybe you could work on being a calmer parent at bed time. Less stimulation. Have a routine. Fewer toys. Fewer lights. What colour is their bedroom wall? Paint it you lazy bitch.

2. Relax! It’s Christmas Eve!

So your kids are up a bit later. Relax! You don’t have anything to do on Christmas Eve. Santa will do it. Santa will wrap the presents and put them under the try and Santa will drink the wine. Leave out red wine for him. Stop drinking the red wine. Make cookies. Decorate cookies with the children. SMILE IT’S CHRISTMAS. Read a special Christmas story. A special one. That’s not special enough. Try harder. Do you want them to remember this Christmas or not? You’re trying too hard. Your kids will be brats. Try hard but not too hard.

3. OK now do your normal routine

OK so you let them open one present, read one Christmas story, put on Christmas PJs. Now you can do the bedtime routine. Repeat step one. Remember though, don’t use Santa as a threat against children. It’s not fair. You need to be better than that OK? Christmas is a time for Christmas cheer.

4. DO YOU WANT ME TO CANCEL CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I WILL

Do you? I will call Santa right now. I will call him. I’m calling. I’m calling. It’s 11pm. OK? He will put you on his naughty list. He will take your toys.

5. Look at you, you’re a mess

That wine was for Santa. You’re a disgrace. Those cookies look like garbage. The kids didn’t even like them. And your pretzel reindeer cookies don’t look anything like Christmas Mom’s Pinterest board. What are you doing with your life. You’re 33. You should be better than this OK?

6. You’re doing your best look it’s fine

Just put on that Christmas movie again. It’s fine. So they stay up till 1am. It’s OK. You can do the presents after. You’re a good mum. It’s OK. Technically you’re Santa so you can have a wine. Look the little one is almost asleep and then you can put out the presents. It’s only 12.30am – heaps of time.

7. OK maybe start the normal routine again

You might be able to trick them. You might make them think it’s 7pm instead of 1.30am.

8. Call your sister. Her kids aren’t in bed either. See it’s fine.

Watch that Christmas movie again. Lust after Kurt Russell. Wonder what it says about you that you’d fuck a man in a Santa suit. Can you be a feminist and objectify men? Yes, you decide. Objectification is based on power. The balance of power is what matters – women are policed for their sexual desires all the time by men. It is an act of rebellion to revel in your sexuality and fantasies as a woman, and particularly as a mother. The Madonna/whore complex is particularly brutal on new mothers with their changing bodies. To live openly as a sexual being when you’re a mother is to be visible, to embrace that visibility. You can want to fuck the patriarchy and Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

9. Log into Facebook

Oh god I’m a terrible mother.

10. Log into Instagram

How is your house so tidy are you on fucking speed or something? Is speed even a thing these days? Why does everyone have Dysons? Do I want a Dyson now?

10a. Maybe you could just put the presents out now and they won’t even notice?

You could set the alarm for 3am. Surely they’ll be in bed by then, I mean it’s 2.45am.

10b. Look at photos of your kids on your phone

Oh they’re so perfect. Christmas is so wonderful. What beautiful babies. They make me so happy. NO YOU’RE NOT HAVING ANY MORE WATER. NOBODY IS THAT THIRSTY OK JUST GO TO BED. Look at their sweet little faces. They’re such good kids. What did I ever do to get such good kids. GO TO SLEEP. What angels they are. So perfect. So wonderful. I can’t wait for tomorrow. They are going to love their presents so-GO TO SLEEP OR CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED.

10c. Sure you can stay up, mummy doesn’t care any more

Oh you’re going to go to bed then? OK great. Goodnight.

10d. They’re asleep! At least they will sleep late!

Lol they won’t.

Keep going!
Sometimes love means waiting outside the house (Photo: Getty Images; additional design by Tina Tiller)
Sometimes love means waiting outside the house (Photo: Getty Images; additional design by Tina Tiller)

SocietyNovember 17, 2021

It’s time to have ‘the talk’ with your kids (the climate talk, that is)

Contributing writer
Sometimes love means waiting outside the house (Photo: Getty Images; additional design by Tina Tiller)
Sometimes love means waiting outside the house (Photo: Getty Images; additional design by Tina Tiller)

Growing up in a world in climate crisis is far from ideal, but pretending it isn’t happening isn’t going to help your kids. Here are some tips for tackling a tricky conversation.

They’re marching down the streets. They’re ditching school. They’re abseiling off bridges in Glasgow. Kids aren’t just aware of climate change, they’re actively involved in fighting it. 

But just because they’re playing a part in spurring change doesn’t mean kids can properly process all the feelings that come with those actions: anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness, doom, anxiety, optimism, camaraderie. 

Which is why psychologists around the world are now calling on parents to have “the [climate] talk” with their kids. 

And there are a few things they want you to know.

Don’t shy away

Child psychology experts say that avoiding tough conversations, and insulating kids from distress or discomfort, is actually terrible for them in the long run. 

“It sometimes seems that the more overwhelming the world gets, the more adults try to blindfold children,” wrote Kate Julian for The Atlantic. Julian’s article goes on to detail the many ways that over-protecting, coddling or generally thwarting efforts from kids learning to cope leads to a rough path to adulthood.

There’s an obvious element of age appropriateness but just writing a conversation off altogether doesn’t help anyone.

Give them some credit

Young people know what’s up. “Kids are much more attuned to the dangers and what’s going on in the world than perhaps many of their parents,” says youth and adolescent clinical psychologist Dougal Sutherland.

Giving them credit is both about acknowledging what they know as well as acknowledging their feelings. Telling them that it’s all OK and the world won’t end isn’t enough, says Sutherland. “It’s a pretty invalidating thing to say because you’re essentially saying they’re getting all upset about something they don’t need to.”

And that can shut the conversation down right then and there. “Kids and young people are pretty good at seeing through that. Probably they won’t want to talk to their parents about it again because they won’t get it.”

Instead, Sutherland suggests listening without prejudice.

US psychologist Leslie Davenport (who’s just penned a book about talking to kids about climate change) suggests using open-ended questions or phrases like:

  • What have you been hearing about climate change?
  • Do your friends talk about stuff like that?
  • What kind of emotions are you feeling?
  • What would feel supportive?
  • Tell me more.

Think about the circles

Climate change can feel like a huge, overwhelming deal, like something insurmountable. With Cop26 having just happened on the other side of the world, it can feel like you’re so far away from the solution.

It’s useful to think about circles of concern, says Sutherland. It means imagining three circles radiating out from a person like a target. The closest circle is your circle of control, the next one out is your circle of influence (things that are concerning that you have some say over) and the furthest away is the circle of concern (things that are worrying but that are outside your reach of control).

Sutherland says to focus your kids’ attention on the inner two circles – what they can directly control and what they can influence. “It’s a useful way of bringing what seems to be a huge uncontrollable, global problem down into what I can do, how I can drive my behaviour today and tomorrow, in my world.” 

Depending on how old the young person is, they can take simple actions like choosing a reusable drink bottle, planting trees, riding their bike to school or joining a climate youth group. Or they can think bigger by working towards what Nasa calls a “green career” like marine ecologist or environmental engineer.

It’s best to support young people in figuring out what to do, rather than telling them outright, says Sutherland. “It’s about helping them as children and as young people to actively engage in solving the problems.”

It’s also a good time to talk about what are credible sources of information and how to be critical of certain sources.

Be ready for the tough stuff

These kinds of conversations can bring up the blame game, with young adults resenting or feeling angry towards their parents for inflicting this on them.

Sutherland says parents don’t need to take responsibility for entire generations’ worth of climate-altering actions, but that they should stop and do a bit of personal reflection. Was there a time when everyone used plastic bags all the time? Yeah, for sure. Acknowledge that and how we’re doing better today.

“Is there a kernel of truth in what’s being said and can you latch onto that kernel without feeling overly defensive about it?” he asks. 

You don’t have to have all the answers

Kids aren’t the only ones feeling overwhelmed, with parents sometimes feeling like they should throw themselves at the problem to fix it. “It’s difficult for parents because your natural instinct is to put it right,” says Sutherland.

Go easy on yourself. You don’t have to lead the charge singlehandedly.

Davenport suggests phrases like:

  • I don’t have all the answers. I’m learning about this the same as you are.
  • I know this can feel big and overwhelming, but I also really believe there’s so much we can do to rise to the challenge and make a difference.

Bonus tip: most of this advice works great for anxious or contemplative adults too.