Can we fix it? Yes, we can!

Parliament’s speaker revealed last week that the ageing Beehive may need to be vacated for up to 18 months for repairs and upgrades. The Spinoff obtained emails* that reveal party leaders have bombarded Gerry Brownlee with reno ideas.

Here, we publish them in full.

Gerry,

This renovation is our opportunity to buy back the original Beehive toilets. No, not the woke, communist flushing ones; the honest, makeshift ones used by the hardworking Kiwis who built this place. It was a disgrace to sell New Zealanders’ lavatories out from under them. Let’s take our toilets back.

Lavatories have become well-known hotbeds for attacks though, and the only way we can protect ourselves from this crime wave is via sensible signs. Men. Women. Not that that will help Chris Hipkins – he can’t even tell you what a woman is. Well, I can. She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. And she only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me.

Now, here’s a plain commonsense idea and anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about: we’ll need a permanent carpark right out front so Shane can keep a limo on standby. We’ll also need a smoking section, a racecourse and a jail where we can incarcerate all the public servants.

Rt Hon Winston R Peters

Kia ora Gerry,

I take it there will be a huge multinational construction company involved in this upgrade? I take it their margin will be massive? I take it they will profit handsomely off the poorest New Zealanders? I take it those profits will go straight into the pockets of wealthy shareholders? Well, give them a message from me: congratulations, you’ve won capitalism. 

Any chance you could stick Mike Davidson near the door? 

Ngā mihi,
Chlöe
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Hi Champ,

Note re the reno: we’ll need room set aside for some new filing cabinets. We tend to receive things in hard copy and have had a few issues with finding papers when we need to. Probably worth checking out the filing needs of other parties – I know Casey Castello’s had real problems keeping track of her documents too. 

I’ve got a few messages here from the team to pass on. Nicola says put your cash bazooka away and scrap 8,700m² of the building. Mark heard Winston has plans for a jail on the premises and he’d like to request you set aside a cell for Rakesh Naidoo. Louise wants to know if she can buy her new office space and then claim an allowance for using it. 

Once you get to the interior design phase, let me know, buddy. Amanda is very good on that front.

Thanks mate,
Christopher

Hi Gezza,

We thought you might be after some input and ideas, so I gathered all of Labour’s MPs together and we put our heads together to brainstorm.

Here’s the full list of ideas we have:
*A capital gains tax to use on health
*Capped public transport fares 

We’ll be sharing more details, as well as further ideas, with you closer to the renovation.

Chippy

Kia ora Gerry,

I organised a hui so everyone involved in Te Pāti Māori could get together and present their reno ideas and then we’d all get to vote (except Te Tai Tokerau obvs).

Rawiri and I sent the invites out but when we showed up, the place was empty except for a faint smell of smoke, as though something had gone up in flames.

Aroha mai,
Debbie

Gerry,

We should convert the Beehive to a charter school.

We’ll need to set up a whole, elaborate office, staffed to the gills, to ensure there’s no regulation of the conversion. Make it big, flashy, expensive. You need to realise that making things simple is complicated. You need to realise that saving money is costly. You need to give this the resources it needs. In this case, it just makes sense. 

Obviously the office will need a room full of red tape and a lot of scissors. New Zealanders are all equal, with the same rights, freedoms and opportunities, so we’ll need scissors for everyone. But mostly for me. Yes, millions of pairs of snips will be expensive, but, in this case it just makes sense. 

David

*I mean, we didn’t.