Building and construction minister Chris Penk is a Capricorn, obviously.

There is a serious matter I must urgently bring to Chris Penk’s attention. On July 2, during a live broadcast of The Panel on our beloved national broadcaster Radio New Zealand, lobbyist Holly Bennett named Penk as the nation’s wokest minister. More specifically, Bennett said “don’t underestimate Chris Penk” to the question of “who do you think is our wokest minister?” It wasn’t major news or anything, but I was also on said panel when the prophecy was spoken, and it has haunted me ever since because, what did she mean by that?

So, here I am, boldly asking what Marxist secrets the former naval officer and lawyer has been harbouring, and he’s making the typical Penkspressions: furrowed brows, rubbing the chin, looking deep into the distance. Desperate to know what it is specifically that we shouldn’t underestimate about him, I think I’ve got my scoop: Penk about to admit that he is, indeed, woke. Until he replies that the word “can mean almost everything and nothing – if it means not wanting to be a horrible person who wants to kick people down for the sake of it, then, sure, guilty!” And I realise, shit, he’s got me.

As it turns out, Bennett only said Penk’s name because she couldn’t think of another minister (according to Penk), but it really got us thinking. There’s a lot two people can ponder over a few beers, and for some reason, there’s one thing we keep coming back to over and over: star signs. Obviously, Penk is a Capricorn, and I’m a Cancer (something the prime minister, deputy prime minister and I all have in common) and I’m explaining that Penk’s actually in good company, because Jesus was famously a Capricorn.

“I thought he was born on Easter?” Penk replies. “Easter Sunday?” God, it feels good to fact check a minister.

So, Penk is woke, a Capricorn and can’t remember when Jesus was born, but what else is there to know? Well, he’s more of a sports guy than a literature guy, although he doesn’t want to come off as not being well-read, because on a scale “from Steve Braunias to Todd Stephenson, I’d say I’m probably in the middle.” And speaking of Braunias,  he’s probably the toughest interviewer Penk’s ever faced (even more so than Penk’s own wife, a former journalist), and taught him a hard lesson: never trust someone who can lull you into a false sense of security.

“You let them into your heart, tell them your fears, hopes and dreams, and next thing you know, someone’s taking the piss out of you because you haven’t read the latest New Zealand literature,” Penk says. “I haven’t read Grant Robertson’s [biography], but I’ll maybe pick it up from the bargain bin at The Warehouse in a couple of weeks for $3.99.”

Penk’s a funny guy, who seems most at home letting other people talk about themselves at length. It’s only at the end of our interview, after I’ve successfully lulled him into a false sense of security, that Penk drops his best pub yarn. He leads into it by telling me he’s aware that his Wikipedia page has his birth year wrong (Penk was born in 1979, not 1980), because he once tried to use it as a form of ID. “I wanted to go into an establishment one night when I was out with others, just checking that they were well behaved, obviously,” Penk says.

Penk had forgotten his wallet and the necessary identification to enter this unnamed establishment, but never fear, because when you’re a minister, your Wikipedia page can vouch for you. It worked, and anyway, it “was kind of nice in a way that one appreciates when one is in one’s 40s, but one also doesn’t necessarily have ID – and one didn’t.”

Wait a minute, I think I’ve got my scoop: “Minister fails to rectify false information on public record.” I’ll leave out the “using it to go to the pub” bit, because I’d do the same thing.

THE SPINOFF PUB Q+A

How much should a pint cost?

No more than $10.

Do you have a karaoke go-to?

I’m partial to a bit of Bee Gees, because you can sing out of tune or too high and it comes across as ironic … you know, some of the slow ones are quite good, [like] ‘Emotion’.

Favourite place to get a drink in Aotearoa?

I don’t really go out and drink. 3.2 [parliament’s former bar] used to be a good place, until someone moved in and made that place their office. So, on a nostalgic basis, we’ll say that.

Which three MPs would be on your pub quiz team?

I’m going to go for the three people I was on the regulations review committee with last term: [Labour’s] Rachel Brooking, Camilla Belich and Arena Williams. It’s more of a cult than a committee … It’s often mentioned in the House, across the aisle, and there’s not quite a secret handshake, but more of an unspoken understanding.

Secondary legislation is going to be a very strong round – we’re playing the joker for that one. I don’t know, [are there] environmental and workplace relations policy rounds? It’s going to be quite niche, and it’s going to need to be within 100 yards of the Beehive.

Which MP from across the aisle would you most like to share a drink with?

I get on pretty well with [Labour’s] Damien O’Connor. Speaking of clubs with nerdy interests across the line, as the former minister for land information, he just sort of gets it, that Damo.

Is there an alcohol-related law you would like to change?

No [sips drink].

What’s a policy area we’ve been nursing without finishing the glass?

I think we should finish the glass in relation to earthquake zone buildings – it’s unfinished business from about 10 years ago. The laws were brought in place for very good reasons, but they haven’t proved capable, and I just wish someone would pay attention to this important area of public policy and do something about it. There are a lot of buildings that are falling down because no one can afford to remediate them, they’re not allowed to live in them or have them as commercial premises, so it just needs sorting out. 

What qualities make a good drinking partner?

Someone who’s more interested in other people than themselves.

Have you ever had a Schnapps election moment where you regretted your political instinct?

Yeah … Let’s just say, MMP is a funny beast, and what goes around, comes around.

Up next on One MP, One Pint: Green MP Julie Anne Genter.