One Question Quiz

PoliticsSeptember 27, 2016

Hillary v Donald digested: the US presidential debate in five minutes


The big debate might have been broadcast, streamed and live-blogged by pretty much every person alive, but only the Spinoff (probably not only the Spinoff) has digested it into a five-minute read.

NBC Moderator Lester Holt: I’m Lester. That’s Donald. That’s Hillary. That’s the audience. They’re going to stay quiet. Let’s talk about income.

Democrat candidate for the presidency Hillary Clinton: Here we are. Me and him. Him and me. It’s my granddaughter’s birthday. People should pay their fair share. Vote for me.

Republican candidate for the presidency Donald Trump: Mexico. China. Mexico and China. I have a plan.


Hillary: I didn’t get a handout. My father was a small businessman.

Donald: My father gave me a small loan. I made billions. China. Mexico, Mexico. China are the best. They’re the best. The best. Chiiina. I’m being nice to Senator Clinton. Look, I’m being nice. Am I being nice?

Hillary: Sure.

Donald: I’m being nice.

Hillary: Donald thinks climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

Donald: I did not say that.


Donald: Our energy policies are a disaster. What have you been doing for 30 years?

Hillary: I’m smiling.

Donald: What you been doing?

Hillary: Working. Smiling. I’m smiling.

Donald: Your husband signed Nafta. That’s the worst trade deal ever.

Hillary: That’s just your opinion, man.

Donald: Pretty sure he’s your husband.

Hillary: I mean about Nafta.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump

Donald: You love the TPP.

Hillary: I hate it.

Donald: You want to marry the TPP.

Hillary: Death to the TPP.

Donald: You changed your mind.

Hillary: I didn’t change, the TPP changed.

Donald: You copied me.

Hillary: Did not. I wrote a book. See my website.

Donald: And by the way I’ve been all over and when I go around they like that I’m cutting regulations and you want to increase the regulations I’m going to cut the taxes and you want to raise taxes.

Hillary: I assumed there’d be a lot of charges and claims.

Donald: Facts.

Hillary: Look at my website.

Donald: Look at mine.

Lester: Mr Trump.

Donald: She says go to fight Isis on her website.

Lester: Ah.

Hillary: At least I have a plan.

Lester: Um.

Donald: You’ve been fighting Isis your entire adult life.

Lester: So.

Hillary: Go to my website.

Lester: FFS.

Lester the moderator gazes into the abyss
Lester the moderator gazes into the abyss

Hillary: Am I to blame for everything?

Donald: Sure.

Hillary: That’s crazy.

Donald: Not crazy.

Hillary: Trumped up, trickle down.

Donald: All talk, no action, sounds good, never going to happen. Believe me. Big, fat, ugly bubble. Bad. Sad. Believe me.

Lester: Where’s your tax returns?

Donald: As soon as the audit’s finished they’ll be released. But check out my financial statements, on forms, amazing, millions, so much money, our country needs me. I get audited a lot, so many audit, very audit, so audit, wow. She should release her emails.

Audience: Rah!

Lester: Quiet.

Hillary: What’s he trying to hide? Did I mention my website? The email thing was a mistake.

Donald: Not a mistake, a disgrace. Believe me. Not being braggadocious but I’m underleveraged. Believe me. Let’s make America underleveraged again.

Hillary: You stiffed thousands of people. Not my father but did I mention my father?

Donald: It’s all words. Soundbites. I run an unbelievable company. Unbelievable.

Hillary: Then why not pay tax.

Donald: I’m too smart.

Lester: Let’s talk about race.

Hillary: Trust. Police. Communities. Respect. Guns. Not smiling. Serious.

Donald: We need law and order. Law. Order. I love our country. And by the way I love law and I love order. Believe me. Law. Order. Order. Law. On the one hand the law, on the other hand the order. The law. And the order. Law-order. Lorrrder.

Lester: What about saying Obama wasn’t born in the US?

Donald: They couldn’t produce. Then they produced. Because I said produce it. The birth certificate. I did a great job. I helped him. I did. Produce. That. Produce. So. I did it. Me.

Lester: Cyberwarfare!


Hillary: Cyberwarfare. States. Russia. Probin, Putin. Donald wants Putin probin the USA.

Trump: Admirals and generals endorse me. So many admirals and generals. Believe me, so many endorsements. I’ll take them over the political hacks. What a mess. Cyber? Sure. Got to win. Russia? What about China? China. Isis. Chiiina. Cyber. I have a 10-year-old son. He has computers, it’s unbelievable. Cyber.

Hillary: Isis. Cyber. Air strikes. Iraq. Syria. Take them out. Take them out. Priority. Disrupt.

Donald: If we’d taken the oil, Isis wouldn’t have happened.

Hillary: Fact-checkers! Check my website. Donald supported the Iraq war.

Donald: Wrong

Hillary: Come on.

Donald: Wrong.

Hillary: I mean.

Donald: Wrong.

Hillary: We need an intelligence surge.

Donald: I was very strong on Nato. Even the New York Times got it right. I was incredible. I made Nato better. I’m for Nato and against Isis, believe me. I did not support the war in Iraq. That is mainstream media lies.

Lester: The record shows otherwise.

Donald: The record shows I’m right. Sean Hannity called me the other day and said, “You were totally against the war.” Nobody called Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity.


Lester: Right but.

Donald: I have such a good temperament. The best temperament. She’s out of control.

Hillary: A man who can be provoked by a tweet shouldn’t be near the nuclear button.

Donald: Bit of an old one.

Hillary: Good one, though.

Donald: Nuclear is the single greatest threat. Not global warming. Countries, we protect them. Saudi Arabia. South Korea. Japan. They are some countries. They should pay us. China is totally powerful, by the way. Chiiina. I met with Bibi Netanyahu. He’s not a happy camper.

Hillary: Words matter. I want to reassure our allies.

Donald: She says go to her website to defeat Isis but she should have already beaten Isis.

Lester: You said she doesn’t have the look to be president.

Donald: She doesn’t have the look, she doesn’t have the stamina. The stamina. I don’t believe she has the stamina. The stamina.

Lester: You said she doesn’t have the look.

Donald: You asked me the question. She doesn’t have the stamina. I don’t believe she has the stamina, believe me.

Lester: I.

Hillary: Look at my record, I got experience, I got stamina.

Audience: Rah!

Donald: I agree, she’s got experience but it’s bad experience.

Audience: Rah!

Lester: I.

Donald: She’s got experience but it’s bad experience.

Audience: Rah!

Hillary: He says some awful things.

Donald: I didn’t say any things. No things. Never said them. She’s got commercials. The truth is I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary and her family and I said to myself I can’t do it. I’m nice. Nice. But she spend millions on untrue commercials and it’s not nice. It’s not nice. It’s hundreds of millions of ads. And by the way the polls. Winning or tied, spent almost nothing.

Lester: Will you support the outcome no matter what?

Hillary: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but I’ll accept it.

Donald: Make America great again. These people we were going to deport became citizens.

Lester: But.

Donald: I want to make America great again.

Lester: So.

Donald: The answer is if she wins I’ll support her.

Lester: Kthxbai.

Keep going!