What food would you want to eat forever on a desert island? The stars of Celebrity Treasure Island place their orders, and we provide the high-level analysis.
People do unusual things when they find themselves starving on a deserted island. Castaway screenwriter William Moyles tore open coconuts and speared stingray, devouring them raw, while he was writing the film. Lost’s John Locke killed feral boars for their flesh. Candy Lane smuggled herbs and spices onto Celebrity Treasure Island in her makeup palette to make her beans and rice taste better.
Which begs the question: what one food would you take with you to a desert island to sustain you for an open-ended amount of time? Would you opt for comfort or nutrition? Sweet or savoury? Breakfast or dinner? We asked the stars of Celebrity Treasure Island 2022 and took their answers to Charlotte Muru-Lanning, editor of The Spinoff’s weekly food newsletter The Boil Up for her expert analysis.
A note on journalistic process: As with all rigorous experiments eg Sensing Murder, the name of each contestant was concealed from Muru-Lanning to avoid any unconscious bias.
APPLE ADDICTS
Deadlands actor Te Kohe Tuhaka answered “apples” within a split second. “Apples. I just love apples,” he gushed, explaining that apples provide not only food, but seeds. “And, if I am needing to pass the time on an island, what better way to do so than cultivating an apple tree?” Sports commentator Jesse Tuke took his time, but eventually reached the same answer as Tuhaka. “Apples: I can use them nutritionally and it’s the most similar thing to a ball so I feel like I can use it to entertain myself.”
“I’m sensing that these are enterprising go-getter types,” said Muru-Lanning. “When they see an apple, they don’t just see a crisp piece of fruit. They see nutritional value, entertainment, industry, and cultivation. They’re seeing the future.”
SUSHI STANS
Actor Perlina Lau, radio host Alex King and Boss Babe Iyia Liu all chose sushi for their desert island dish, with only the slightest variations in filling. “You’ve got your protein, you’ve got your rice, obviously it’s delicious and it comes with a carton of soy sauce. I’ll take a jumbo 10-piece,” ordered Lau. “For exactly the reasons that it’s become a taken-for-granted lunchtime go-to for hungry workers and students, sushi is perfectly reasonable desert island nosh,” said Muru-Lanning. “Convenient, apparently healthy, and comforting.”
MEAT MUNCHERS
Former All Black Ron Cribb begged for “Kobe beef from Japan, flown in” whereas Olympian Dylan Schmidt simply said “Meat. Steak.” Our food critic was thrown by the protein-fuelled decision-making, remarking that both were “truly alarming” choices.
FISH FANS
Eds Eramiha, who famously does not eat chips, had one demand of the Celebrity Treasure Island chef: “Yellowfin tuna sashimi,” he ordered. “It’s nutritious, it’s natural and it is the best for you.” Muru-Lanning was impressed: “This is a nimble contestant who knows their stuff,” she said. “Here we have an individual who does not have the time in the day to feel sluggish.”
As for former Black Fern Melodie Robinson, it was all about pāua. “Pāua. I love pāua. I have great memories of my dad harvesting it.” Muru-Lanning was charmed by this answer: “This person knows that sustenance is about more than nutritional value and convenience. Whoever this is will bring loads of heart to the competition.”
CHICKEN CHAMPS
Mike King was after “a three-piece deluxe quarter pack, thigh + wing + drum combination with an extra bread roll and an extra side.” Shimpal Lelisi simply demanded “fried chicken”, describing it as his “kryptonite”. Muru-Lanning saw shades of impulsivity here. “Purposely choosing a food item that you know is your personal kryptonite may not be the wisest choice when it comes to desert island food, but it’s certainly the most relatable decision.”
BREAKFAST BRIGADE
Big Cereal successfully convinced us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and several of our celebrities seem to subscribe to this doctrine. Radio host Cam Mansel opted for “several muesli bars” because “you don’t have to prep it”. Muru-Lanning recoiled: “I hate to say that this is a weird choice, but, this is a weird choice. You’re stuck on a desert island, surely you have time for a bit of prep?” She had more time for Rindelaub’s choice of breakfast burritos, declaring the scientist “one to watch”. “A simple choice that’s actually remarkably clever. Practical, delicious and vague enough to accommodate variation.”
As for the more chaotic entries, Shortland Street star Courtenay Louise began ordering spaghetti carbonara for her desert island dish, before zagging dramatically to Coco Pops. “A great culinary leap to make,” noted Muru-Lanning. “But on deeper reflection, I’m getting a clear sense of what makes this individual tick: carbs and comfort.” Dame Susan Devoy simply requested “coffee” for every meal, a choice which our critic labeled “a disaster in the making.”
THE REST
Guy Montgomery: Pasta (in a light red sauce)
As we’ve seen in previous entries, Montgomery’s answer quickly went from a place of contentment to instant self-loathing. “I’d take like a pasta with a light red sauce,” he bellowed. “But it’s yum and it’s made by a good cook – I don’t want it heavy,” he clarified. After a brief pause, Montgomery then revealed his true feelings about the pasta with a light red sauce: “I’ve bombed this question. I hate that answer.”
“As a perfectionist myself, my advice to this fellow pedant is to avoid indulging in these fits of self-hatred on the island,” said Muru-Lanning. “Instead, try your best to project it onto the competition.”
Karen O’Leary: Asparagus
“Only someone with a penchant for chaos would opt for asparagus. They’re charismatic and spontaneous, sure. Would I trust them? Absolutely not.”
Cassie Roma: Cobb Salad
“A Cobb salad is the most beautiful food you can put in a bowl,” the Apprentice Aotearoa mentor wistfully sighed. “It starts with either fresh iceberg lettuce or spinach and then on top you’ve got tomato, carrot, onion, salmon, avocado, bacon and it is all served with blue cheese dressing.” Muru-Lanning found the argument “persuasive” from someone who must spend a lot of time jetsetting. “I’ve never seen a Cobb salad this side of the equator,” she remarked.
Siobhan Marshall: Chocolate
“It’s got caffeine in it, it’s got energy, and it’s yummy,” declared Outrageous Fortune star Siobhan Marshall. Muru-Lanning had no qualms whatsoever about this answer. “When Nigella says ‘Hello chocolate lovers,’ this indiscriminate chocoholic responds, ‘Hello Nigella’.”
Lynette Forday: Cheese Scones
Muru-Lanning saw a middle-of-the-pack, regular-at-their-local-cafe competitor in these cheese scones. “The type that bursts through the cafe door at 8am chirping ‘Just the usual, thanks’, which of course translates to a medium flat white and a cheese scone to go.”
Elvis Lopeti: Spring Rolls
“This person knows who they are and they’re not shying away from that. That kind of self-awareness can be a useful asset as a contestant, but it can just as easily lead to downfall.”
Celebrity Treasure Island begins Monday 5 at 7.30pm on TVNZ2
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