What one song could you listen to on loop, alone, forever? We asked the stars of Celebrity Treasure Island for their desert island disc.
It is a question that has plagued celebrities and normies alike for 80 years since Desert Island Discs began on the BBC: What music would you take to a desert island? Tennessee Williams said he would take Judy Garland’s ‘Me and My Shadow’, Yoko Ono said she would take The Cheeky Girls’ ’Cheeky Song’ and Stephen Hawking chose Johannes Brahms’ ‘Violin Concerto in D Major’. Which begs the question: what would Cassie Roma from The Apprentice choose?
In keeping with our high-level, expert-led chip analysis, I asked each of the stars of Celebrity Treasure which one song they would take with them to a desert island. I then took my findings to The Spinoff CEO and former Real Groove editor Duncan Greive – a music reviewer so savage that a band once wrote a song about him called ‘The Critic’ in which he was described as a “grumpy prick” – to get his take on how the celebrities might fare on CTI based entirely on their musical preferences.
A note on journalistic process: As with all rigorous experiments eg Sensing Murder, the name of each contestant was concealed from Greive to avoid any unconscious bias.
Courtenay Louise and Jesse Tuke: Shania Twain – ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman!’
In a move that shouldn’t surprise anyone who has recently watched Shania Twain: Not Just a Girl on Netflix, both sports commentator Jesse Tuke and Shortland Street star Courtenay Louise chose ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman!’ as their desert island song. “That’s crazy, the Shania sha-lliance should go very deep in this comp,” said Greive.
“Even though the song vibes like it would get really old really quickly, I think if it was the way you started every day you would probably go completely mad, but you would also really enjoy it and find it funny.” When pushed about what it reveals about their gameplay, Greive asserted these people “must be comedians” and “are not going to have the strategy brain to go deep.”
Susan Devoy and Dylan Schmidt: Led Zeppelin – ‘Stairway to Heaven’
Name a more iconic duo than former world squash champion Dame Susan Devoy and Olympic trampolinist Dylan Schmidt rocking tf out? Granted, Devoy chose the Heart cover – “I love that video when they sing it in front of Led Zeppelin” – and Schmidt chose it because “I should choose a long one right?” but Stairway remains the sporting person’s choice.
Of course, Greive didn’t know the identities of the Zep-heads, and therefore chose to describe them as “munters who are probably very comfortable in their munter skin”. Where some may interpret that as an insult, Greive hastened to add that this is an advantage in CTI. “This kind of person tends to do quite well because they don’t overthink it,” he said. “They will go far.”
Shimpal Lelisi: Aaliyah feat. Missy Elliott & Timbaland – ‘Hot Like Fire’
Citing it mostly because he “used it this morning for my Insta-story,” Naked Samoan Shimpal Lelisi still gained high praise from our gnarled critic. “That is someone who knows RnB and knows its prime,” said Greive. “I think this person is going to come out of the gates really hot and then pants it after two rounds.”
Guy Montgomery: Paul McCartney and Wings – ‘Let Me Roll It’
Comedian Guy Montgomery appeared to detest his song choice almost immediately. “It’s not even my favourite song, but I’ve said it now, fuck,” he lamented, suggesting a level of impulsivity that may be a weakness in a strategy-based reality competition. Greive felt the same. “This person is going to have so many regrets about Wings. I know that people love them and think that Paul is a genius, but that is going to get real cloying real quick.” He finished his critique by asserting “I think this person is old.” Montgomery is 33. Greive is 42.
Siobhan Marshall: Nina Simone – ‘Ain’t Got No, I Got Life’
“I am generally put off by people who choose old anything, because I think humanity is about progress and we can do better,” said Greive. “But I think this person is comfortable doing their own thing, which is kind of what you need on this show, so I rate them.”
Melodie Robinson: Jaymes Young – ‘Infinity’
“I don’t know this but it vibes like the kind of earworm that gets thrashed at F45,” said Greive. “I can imagine Edna Swart being super into this, and she almost won last year by being very much not here to make friends.”
Mike King: Allen Stone – ‘Give You Blue’
“I bet you’ve never heard that one before, have you?” King grinned. I hadn’t, and neither had Greive. After listening to a snippet – “that’s enough, I’ve heard enough” – he made his assessment. “There’s a lot of songs that sound like that. I think this person is risk-averse but proud of being an obscurant. They might be a bit of a lone wolf in the context of the island.”
Cassie Roma: Elton John – ‘Tiny Dancer’
“Hell yeah. If you are going to listen to something for the rest of your goddamn life, why the fuck not?” Greive roared. “This seems like someone who knows what’s up. They could win.”
Eds Eramiha: Maisey Rika – ‘Taku Mana’
“This is a person who is friends with Maisey Rika,” Greive asserted with confidence. “They love her music, because it’s amazing – but they also understand that for our culture to survive in this cold world you take your opportunities and share them with those you know and admire. And that’s really smart, so, respect the game. This is a cultured person, but also a trader. They will do super well in this competition.”
Alex King: Gloria Gaynor – ‘I Will Survive’
King Jr didn’t know Gloria Gaynor’s full name when she answered “Gloria Someone” which suggested she might not be as committed to this track as she appears. Greive was quick to pick up on this. “‘I Will Survive’ sounds like a joke choice just because you are on a home brand budget version of Survivor, and I think that joke is going to get real old real fast.” As for their gameplay? Greive simply remarked “they haven’t thought this through.”
Joel Rindelaub: Pink Floyd – ‘Echoes’
“It’s like 23 minutes long,” celebrity scientist Dr Joel Rindelaub hypothesised, conducting a sonic experiment right before my very eyes. “It gives you a bit of a range of time before it gets too repetitive.” Greive supported the selection of a “massively long, multi-movement song” to keep preoccupied. “This person better hope there is a huge plantation on the island for all their Floydage,” he said. “I think they will get about two thirds of the way and then out they go.”
Elvis Lopeti: Aqua – ‘Barbie Girl’
A choice which left our critic “torn” (also a good song). “On the one hand, I admire Aqua as a kind of evolved art school project and one that had multiple massive hits. On the other, imagine listening to this song, forever. I don’t think they’ve thought this through and will potentially flame out valiantly but early.”
Karen O’Leary: Bonnie Tyler – ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’
“That would be a contender for me too,” Greive confided. “There’s so much going on, every time you listen to it you can think about the funny video, you can really inhabit it emotionally which I think you need when you are slowly losing your mind alone. This person is clever.”
Lynette Forday: Helen Reddy – ‘I Am Woman’
“I have always thought that song was actively terrible,” sniffed Greive. “You look at the title and you think ‘This is going to sound like L7’ and then you listen to it and it’s like… where’s the roar?” Still, he assessed that the celebrity who chose this will “give it a good crack but not go very far.”
Te Kohe Tuhaka: John Legend – ‘All of Me’
“That is my wedding song,” the Deadlands actor nodded sagely. “Too sappy!” shrieked Greive. “When you are on a desert island without your partner, you can’t have a big cry every day.” Despite the sap, his charitable reading on this celebrity was that they are “emotionally connected and in a stable relationship” and will “go quite a long way”.
Cam Mansel: Pink & Willow Sage Hart – ‘Cover Me In Sunshine’
The ZM nights host said he picked this to stay “happy” while alone. “If you are stuck on an island you are going to feel a little bit stressed, and she’s just got sweet dulcet tones to cover you in sunshine,” he mused. Although Greive didn’t know the song, he immediately noted this celebrity was a “really thoughtful person” who justified their choice “incredibly well.” After a pause, he unleashed a shocking prediction: “I love them and I think they will win”.
Perlina Lau: Bruce Springsteen – ‘Dancing in the Dark’
“Dancing in the Dark is somehow both massively famous but also underrated, shaded as it is by its even-more-famous title track Born in the USA,” Greive opined, stroking his invisible goatee. “It’s an absolutely perfect song and also thematically works for a desert island disc.” Based on this, he guessed this was a “normie” who will go “some way” on the island.
Ron Cribb: Joe Esposito – ‘You’re the Best Around’ (Karate Kid Soundtrack)
“I love this,” said Greive. “This is just your classic person who is here for a good time not a long time. They aren’t here to play Survivor, they are here to have a nice time for as long as it lasts.”
Iyia Liu: Bru-C and Wilkinson – ‘Paradise’
“Respect the hell out of this choice,” said Greive. “Bru-C is connected to Bad Boy Chiller Crew, arguably the best crew in all of West Yorkshire. Paradise is a glide and the whole post-bassline UK scene makes me feel good. What does it mean for their chances of victory? A sophisticated player, does their own research, unafraid to take a different path. They are the winner.”
Follow our reality TV recap podcast The Real Pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.
