It’s week five of Celebrity Treasure Island and things are getting emotional. Tara Ward power ranks our favourite celebrities as they continue to battle it out for charity.
Call me a banana, cover me in googly eyes and peel me quickly, because what a pearler of a week on Celebrity Treasure Island. Richie Barnett was eliminated, Chris Parker swapped teams, and one team went batshit over a beetroot salad. Vegetables have never been cooler and neither have googly eyes, and after the game’s biggest physical threat was sent home by a pair of giant chopsticks, who knows what could happen? Nothing makes sense on this glorious hot potato of a reality show, and yet, everything is as it should be.
Exhibit A, your honour: this is how I spent my week, hoovering up every delicious morsel CTI threw my way, my buttocks firmly wedged in the gritty, golden sands of New Zealand’s greatest reality competition:
And Exhibit B was how the CTI castaways spent their week, watching in shock and awe as Daddy Buck Shelford pulled off the surprise of the century, smashing Richie Barnett out of the competition using nothing but two big sticks and a paua pie in his belly.
It’s a hell of a time to be alive, and an even better time to be watching the telly. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves, then let’s crack into the rankings.
Jeepers creepers, as Anna Simcic would say. Testosterone bombs keep exploding on CTI (Tammy Davis BOOM! Art Green BOOM BOOM!), but rugby league star Richie Barnett went out with the biggest bang. He had a tough week, after the Katipō women bought pizza at the CTI market when he told them not to, he wasn’t voted in as captain, and he hurt his knee in a challenge.
Worst of all, he couldn’t stack five blocks on a table quicker than Buck Shelford, which meant rugby was the winner on the day.
Kim was eliminated just as she began to play the game, the victim of another sneaky Lance Savali blindside. Lance put Kim up against Anna Simcic in a torturous “hold these ropes until you collapse” challenge, and Kim couldn’t outlast the Olympic swimmer. Her CTI hopes and dreams collapsed, as did her muscles. Crossman? More like Crosswoman.
11) Candy Lane
Candy continues to cha-cha-charm everyone into a false sense of security, even persuading Buck Shelford to shake what his mother gave him. You can feel in your waters that the merge is coming and the Ovary Agreement is calling Candy’s name, and this dance queen is about to shake things up like a conga line on a bouncy castle. I have absolutely no proof of this; I am merely a googly-eyed banana of prediction.
10) Lana Searle
Lana scored the bargain of the year by buying a pizza for one coin in the CTI pirate market, pissing off Dad (Richie) no end. But she who loves salami and cheese shall have the last laugh, as long as you’re not the one splashing her on a boat during a challenge. Joe Daymond, I’m looking at you. From now on let’s keep all jokes on land, preferably with a cheese filled crust, please and thank you.
9) Jess Tyson
Jess proved yet again that she’s a whiz at the charity challenges, winning another $5000 for her charity by guessing she was Oprah. She also revealed a secret connection with Lance, which was strong enough to make him change his elimination picks with a single nod of her head. Incredible to see. Oprah could never.
8) Anna Simcic
While the rest of us lack the strength to hold a biro for five minutes, Anna barely broke a sweat during an elimination challenge that saw her hang near-horizontally with nothing but two tiny ropes to keep her steady. A true legend and absolute physical beast.
7) Brynley Stent
Power couple Chris and Brynley were torn apart when Chris was pinched by Katipō, leaving the Puzzle Queen with nothing to do but spill her alliance secrets to Kim. Look, it’s fine. Brynley found a new BFF in this delicious steak and cheese pie, but please, avert your eyes. This is a private pie moment. Some things should be enjoyed in solitude, and pies are one of them.
6) Edna Swart
A picture says a thousand words, and Edna Swart’s delightful facials say even more. The poor lamb spent the week in a state of rabid frustration, and she’d be at the top of these terrible rankings if only she could find someone to take her seriously. Edna wants to put Chris and Brynley up for elimination, but Lance won’t listen. She wants all of Chris and Brynley’s clues, but they won’t share. How did she end up surrounded by these clowns? When will the sheeple wake up, and why aren’t we eating more zoodles in the hellfire year that is 2021?
5) Joe Daymond
Just when you think Joe is here just for some delightful product placement and to win his charity $5000 by catching a grape in his mouth, he revealed himself as a mastermind in Lance Savali’s alliance. Joe faked his own elimination nomination, knowing that Lance was going to nominate Kim all along, proving he’s here for the long game. I’m only sorry he didn’t bring his jim jams for those TimTams.
4) Chris Parker
Cruelly ripped from Repo’s warm embrace, Chris had an emotional week, even though he got to wear all his orange Katipō clothes again. He struggled with the pressures to be everything for everybody, which is exactly how I imagine the googly-eyed banana felt in the captain’s challenge.
It’s a tough ask to bring the “Chris Parker effect” to a team that can’t catch a break, no matter how many tins of spam and beans they have, and it’s tricky to know your old team wants you gone as well. Give the man a break! Send him to the poo cave for a rest! The Parkernator must be protected at all costs.
3) Buck Shelford
This is the journey we’re here for. Once seen as terrifyingly grumpy, Sir Shelford has mellowed his way through CTI, to the point that he might even be enjoying himself. He’s down with the kids, he’s kicking the competition to the curb, and he’s chowing down on the paua pie of his dreams. Hold onto your googly eyes: maybe Buck Shelford is playing the best game of all.
2) Angela Bloomfield
New Repo captain Ange is here for one thing, and one thing only: “chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate”. Look, aren’t we all? Isn’t this game just one big lark for some fun TimTam product placement and a jaunty stroll along the beach? No? Fine.
1) Lance Savali
Lance is playing such a bewildering game that he’s even confusing himself, which makes him a tactical genius. He holds all the strings and all the googly bananas, bluffing his way through Edna’s intense interrogations and inheriting Richie’s clues. His next move is to persuade Katipō to lose the next Captain’s Challenge so Chris can become captain, so they can rule the land forever more. It’s a master plan from a master play. Love to see it.