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Pop CultureOctober 9, 2021

Clarke Gayford is stuck in trucking hell

Moving-house-2

He’s known for many things – Neve’s dad! Fish fan! First man! – but Clarke Gayford shows off a secret passion in his new show, Moving Houses.

Clarke Gayford is waking up to day three of a 600-kilometre slow-motion drive between Christchurch and Tuatapere, a small rural town near the bottom of the South Island. Wearing a hi-vis vest, he’s spent much of that time nestled into the passenger seat of a truck carrying a “big Christchurch villa” on the back. When it slowly approaches tight corners or a narrow bridge, sometimes with only inches of room to spare, Gayford jumps out with a camera crew and narrates the action.

Gayford is known for being many things. He’s a father to Neve, his daughter with his partner, prime minister Jacinda Ardern. He’s also a well-known media face in his own right, with stints across shows ranging from Treasure Island to Wellington Paranormal. Many also know him from his career hosting youth radio and music TV shows. Lately, he’s more widely recognised for holding a snapper wriggling on the end of a hook for National Geographic’s Fish of the Day.

In short, Gayford’s got plenty of things on his plate – including making headlines after firing up about a recent Covid-19 column from former prime minister John Key. With Ardern making sure as much of the country as possible doesn’t catch Covid-19, and Gayford keeping watch over Neve ensconced in their second home at Premier House, he really doesn’t need to be stuck in a truck carrying a huge old house along treacherous South Island roads.

Yet that’s exactly what he’s doing in Moving Houses, a new TVNZ 1 show beginning on Tuesday. While everyone thought Gayford was the country’s biggest fish fan, he’s actually had another love affair on the side: trucks. “The seven-year-old in me used to have Trucking Life’s ‘Rig of the Month’ up on my bedroom wall,” Gayford admits. “I grew up inland on a small farm. I used to find any excuse to get in the truck and go for a drive around when I could.”

That secret passion led him to his new hosting gig. In the 10-part series Moving Houses, Gayford provides a twist on the Grand Designs formula by following couples who save old homes and historic villas by moving them to a new location. The show follows that journey right from the start, when a “knackered” old home is picked up and shifted by trucks, to the big renovated reveal.

It is, says Gayford, a recipe for potential disaster. “There really is quite a bit of tension and stress. None of it is contrived,” he says. “It’s their largest asset in most cases.”

So why do it? Gayford says there are several reasons. “A lot of these older homes you simply can’t get any more. The construction and the finishings, the bits and pieces they have, we just don’t have the building skills or talent to recreate.” The other reason could be a reference to Aotearoa’s current housing crisis. “For a lot of them, they’re getting into a home they wouldn’t be able to otherwise afford.”

That’s true for one Ōtaki couple living in a tiny home who score a bargain on a “dilapidated villa” set for demolition. The transformation, achieved through many early mornings and late nights before and after work, is stunning. “If you do it smart, there are great savings to be had,” says Gayford.

Clarke Gayford
SOON, THIS HOUSE WILL BE MOVED SOMEWHERE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT (PHOTO: SUPPLIED)

It’s not always that easy. During his 600km South Island trek, Gayford found himself “slightly delusional and a bit mad by the end of it”. The 43-year-old spent “large parts” of the trip sleeping in the truck’s cab. It wasn’t the only moment of drama on the show. He mentions another story about a house left homeless when floods wash out the Ashburton bridge. “That house is stuck in Christchurch. It can’t get down to Lake Cromwell.”

For another, he follows a couple who spend eight years living in a woolshed in Christchurch’s Port Hills while trying to get the correct paperwork to move their dream house on site. “It’s not a warm place,” says Gayford. “To be able to see these guys in their home … is going to be really cool.”

Yet Gayford’s facing a potential disaster himself. The first episode of Moving Houses is finished and ready to go for Tuesday’s premiere, but thanks to Covid-19 lockdowns keeping his camera crew stuck in Auckland, he’s yet to film the endings for at least half the season’s episodes. After our Zoom call, he’s flying to Christchurch to get one of them in the bag.

Will they make it? “We’re trying to get there,” Gayford says. “I’m terrified. I would love to have them finished a month ago. We’re chasing our tails a little bit.”

Clarke Gayford on Fish of the Day. (Photo: Simon Day/The Spinoff)

Yes, the glee you see on Gayford’s face in Moving Houses is real. Ask him if he misses fishing, and Gayford says all his TV shows are actually about people. Moving Houses captures some classic Kiwi characters, especially the hardy truck drivers, and that’s his favourite bit. “TV and radio allows you to be incredibly nosy, really,” he says. “You get to experience how other people co-exist on this long skinny stretch of land that we have. There are so many unique experiences people have that’s very specifically their New Zealand experience.”

Through all of this, Gayford remains in the middle of a unique New Zealand experience of his own. Sitting at Sir Robert Muldoon’s old desk in Premier House, Gayford admits he doesn’t think much of the digs he’s in, with its 70s carpet and “stuffy” atmosphere. Despite seeing all the stress on the stars of Moving Houses, he says he’d happily give a house move a go himself.

But then there are his time issues. “My biggest problem,” he says, “is I don’t have enough hours in the day.”

Moving Houses, Tuesday, 7.30pm, TVNZ 1

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CTI-Power-rankings

Pop CultureOctober 7, 2021

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings: The googly eyes have it

CTI-Power-rankings

It’s week five of Celebrity Treasure Island and things are getting emotional. Tara Ward power ranks our favourite celebrities as they continue to battle it out for charity. 

Call me a banana, cover me in googly eyes and peel me quickly, because what a pearler of a week on Celebrity Treasure Island. Richie Barnett was eliminated, Chris Parker swapped teams, and one team went batshit over a beetroot salad. Vegetables have never been cooler and neither have googly eyes, and after the game’s biggest physical threat was sent home by a pair of giant chopsticks, who knows what could happen? Nothing makes sense on this glorious hot potato of a reality show, and yet, everything is as it should be.  

Exhibit A, your honour: this is how I spent my week, hoovering up every delicious morsel CTI threw my way, my buttocks firmly wedged in the gritty, golden sands of New Zealand’s greatest reality competition: 

And Exhibit B was how the CTI castaways spent their week, watching in shock and awe as Daddy Buck Shelford pulled off the surprise of the century, smashing Richie Barnett out of the competition using nothing but two big sticks and a paua pie in his belly. 

It’s a hell of a time to be alive, and an even better time to be watching the telly. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves, then let’s crack into the rankings.


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ELIMINATED

Richie Barnett

Jeepers creepers, as Anna Simcic would say. Testosterone bombs keep exploding on CTI (Tammy Davis BOOM! Art Green BOOM BOOM!), but rugby league star Richie Barnett went out with the biggest bang. He had a tough week, after the Katipō women bought pizza at the CTI market when he told them not to, he wasn’t voted in as captain, and he hurt his knee in a challenge. 

Worst of all, he couldn’t stack five blocks on a table quicker than Buck Shelford, which meant rugby was the winner on the day. 

Kimberly Crossman

Kim was eliminated just as she began to play the game, the victim of another sneaky Lance Savali blindside. Lance put Kim up against Anna Simcic in a torturous “hold these ropes until you collapse” challenge, and Kim couldn’t outlast the Olympic swimmer. Her CTI hopes and dreams collapsed, as did her muscles. Crossman? More like Crosswoman. 

THE REST

11) Candy Lane

Candy continues to cha-cha-charm everyone into a false sense of security, even persuading Buck Shelford to shake what his mother gave him. You can feel in your waters that the merge is coming and the Ovary Agreement is calling Candy’s name, and this dance queen is about to shake things up like a conga line on a bouncy castle. I have absolutely no proof of this; I am merely a googly-eyed banana of prediction. 

10) Lana Searle

Lana scored the bargain of the year by buying a pizza for one coin in the CTI pirate market, pissing off Dad (Richie) no end. But she who loves salami and cheese shall have the last laugh, as long as you’re not the one splashing her on a boat during a challenge. Joe Daymond, I’m looking at you. From now on let’s keep all jokes on land, preferably with a cheese filled crust, please and thank you. 

9)  Jess Tyson

Jess proved yet again that she’s a whiz at the charity challenges, winning another $5000 for her charity by guessing she was Oprah. She also revealed a secret connection with Lance, which was strong enough to make him change his elimination picks with a single nod of her head. Incredible to see. Oprah could never.

8) Anna Simcic

While the rest of us lack the strength to hold a biro for five minutes, Anna barely broke a sweat during an elimination challenge that saw her hang near-horizontally with nothing but two tiny ropes to keep her steady. A true legend and absolute physical beast.

7) Brynley Stent

Power couple Chris and Brynley were torn apart when Chris was pinched by Katipō, leaving the Puzzle Queen with nothing to do but spill her alliance secrets to Kim. Look, it’s fine. Brynley found a new BFF in this delicious steak and cheese pie, but please, avert your eyes. This is a private pie moment. Some things should be enjoyed in solitude, and pies are one of them. 

6) Edna Swart

A picture says a thousand words, and Edna Swart’s delightful facials say even more. The poor lamb spent the week in a state of rabid frustration, and she’d be at the top of these terrible rankings if only she could find someone to take her seriously. Edna wants to put Chris and Brynley up for elimination, but Lance won’t listen. She wants all of Chris and Brynley’s clues, but they won’t share. How did she end up surrounded by these clowns? When will the sheeple wake up, and why aren’t we eating more zoodles in the hellfire year that is 2021?

5) Joe Daymond

Just when you think Joe is here just for some delightful product placement and to win his charity $5000 by catching a grape in his mouth, he revealed himself as a mastermind in Lance Savali’s alliance. Joe faked his own elimination nomination, knowing that Lance was going to nominate Kim all along, proving he’s here for the long game. I’m only sorry he didn’t bring his jim jams for those TimTams. 

4) Chris Parker

Cruelly ripped from Repo’s warm embrace, Chris had an emotional week, even though he got to wear all his orange Katipō clothes again. He struggled with the pressures to be everything for everybody, which is exactly how I imagine the googly-eyed banana felt in the captain’s challenge.

It’s a tough ask to bring the “Chris Parker effect” to a team that can’t catch a break, no matter how many tins of spam and beans they have, and it’s tricky to know your old team wants you gone as well. Give the man a break! Send him to the poo cave for a rest! The Parkernator must be protected at all costs. 

3) Buck Shelford

This is the journey we’re here for. Once seen as terrifyingly grumpy, Sir Shelford has mellowed his way through CTI, to the point that he might even be enjoying himself. He’s down with the kids, he’s kicking the competition to the curb, and he’s chowing down on the paua pie of his dreams. Hold onto your googly eyes: maybe Buck Shelford is playing the best game of all. 

2) Angela Bloomfield

New Repo captain Ange is here for one thing, and one thing only: “chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate”. Look, aren’t we all? Isn’t this game just one big lark for some fun TimTam product placement and a jaunty stroll along the beach? No? Fine.   

1) Lance Savali

Lance is playing such a bewildering game that he’s even confusing himself, which makes him a tactical genius. He holds all the strings and all the googly bananas, bluffing his way through Edna’s intense interrogations and inheriting Richie’s clues. His next move is to persuade Katipō to lose the next Captain’s Challenge so Chris can become captain, so they can rule the land forever more. It’s a master plan from a master play. Love to see it.