Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Victoria’s annoying death and a classic Warner seduction.
1) Victoria dies a wooden death
What the bloody hell, Shortland Street? For months we’ve trudged along the dark and boggy trail of the ‘Who Shot Drew’ storyline. We trusted you’d lead us out of the shitstorm to safety, where we’d enjoy a warm blanket of vindication and a steaming hot cup of comeuppance. But six months later – 120 episodes, by my abacus – and what do we get? Three seconds to enjoy Victoria’s confession before she drove into a tree.
You owe us, Shorters. I need a tantrum from Rachel (“I knew she was a dick!”), a confrontation with Drew (“feedback suggests I’m not THAT bad in bed”), and a High Court trial climaxing in a witness-box emotional breakdown (“I just wanted someone to love me!”). Not a half-arsed apology from a woman covered in tomato sauce.
2) Victoria has no heartbeat; TK asks “anyone got any ideas?”
I dunno, either. Maybe try Google?
3) Tillie does it tough
Life was hard for Princess Tillie this week. Nobody noticed her new dress, it rained, and Kylie wouldn’t take her to the zoo. Kylie is such a bitch! Neglected and defeated, Tillie was forced to watch movies about rolling meatballs and rainbow-crapping unicorns while Kylie wasted time preparing her legal defense.
No wonder Tillie called Kylie a ‘poo’. Someone alert CYFS, before the poor child has to put her shoes on by herself. #prayforTillie
4) Former Breakfast host Kay Gregory is now CEO of Fentich Women’s Prison, or something
5) Finn sucks Esther into the swirling Warner vortex of great hair and crap pick-up lines
Finn and Esther were hot and heavy like a slow-cooked casserole in a cast iron crockpot. Warner Jnr won Esther over with a hectic schedule of romantic stalking, saucy house cleaning and operatic striptease. When will this starry-eyed madness stop? Run, Esther, before he hits the high notes.
6) Boyd cuts Fentich out of his life in the nick of time
I feel euphoric. No, I feel strange. Is this poisonous piece of plastic in my leg leaking ammonia into my brain? ‘Polymer Insert’, ‘Cushla Patterson’ and ‘Fentich’ would make beautiful baby names. Am I rambling? Is this the dumbest storyline since the last corrupt medical supplier storyline? Is that Kay Gregory?
Hard to know. I smell blood. The room is spinning. Kay, hold me.
7) Harry, for standing at the front door with a vacuum cleaner until Finn came home
Who says Harry’s not a high achiever? This week he stood still and breathed heavily for 4 hours and 18 minutes, a new world record. Give the boy a gold star on his reward chart, stat.
8) Curtis’ long walk to freedom
Curtis was freed from prison as an innocent man, only to be “stuck inside with a homo, a tranny and a sad old Māori”. Kia kaha, Curtis.
9) This tree was more successful at stopping crime than D.I. Foster
Leanne was puzzled that a fellow ‘blonde and slender’ woman could do such terrible deeds. You know what else was blonde and slender? This tree. Another innocent victim, cut off in its prime. Forget Victoria’s funeral, why won’t anyone think about the forest?
