Perrin Hastings, creator and host of The Gender Agenda, shares their personal journey to making a new local series about gender for rangatahi.
From a very young age, I knew I was going off-script. I would sit and study television shows where gay characters were punchlines. If there was a rare transgender character, they were made the “special episode” of the week, posing a challenge to the cis main character to choose whether to accept their new-found friend or reject them from their lives. Funnily enough, the choice often didn’t matter, as the character would never appear again anyway.
As a queer kid, desperate to avoid being “found out” via some minor infraction of masculinity, I carefully crafted my character and avoided deviating from the script society had given me. Hell, I didn’t get my ears pierced until my late 20s because I was so deeply afraid of accidentally choosing “the gay ear” (thank you, Two and a Half Men). I dove headlong into less-than-desirable behaviours, embraced toxic masculinity, deflected all of my self-criticism onto others and, more often than not, hid myself in the silent corners of the room.
I wanted to be invisible. But even more than that, I didn’t want to be me. I lived my life in third person, floating above myself, waiting for this poorly written sitcom to be over.
Well into my 20s, through a lot of pain, trauma and a steady flow of antidepressants, I was finally able to unpack all of my internalised homophobia and become more comfortable in my unconventional life. But even with all that progress, I still felt like I was floating above myself, that something was holding me back. I’d spent so much time hyper-focused on accepting my sexuality, that I hadn’t ever given a thought to my gender.
I knew what sex I’d been assigned, but the assumed role of “manly Kiwi bloke” had already caused me so much harm. Could my discomfort be coming from how I’ve been told to express my gender? Onto the internet I went! I followed trans creators, heard their beautiful “when I knew I was trans” stories, and looked for any flickers of familiarity. My TikTok feed filled with thirst traps of fashionable non-binary folks and (new crushes aside) my mind went wild with jealousy.
After a cycle of therapy, I soon realised that I was non-binary. Finally! A label. But… what does non-binary actually mean? And what does any gender label mean, really?
Gender is clearly something that affects all of us, dictating many of our behaviours and expectations, yet all the public conversations I was reading about gender were centred around outrage about crossdressers transgendering our kids or how women’s bathrooms were crawling with predators. Then came the 2023 general election, with parties like NZ First bringing these hateful headlines to life through policy, and it was clear something needed to be done.
Someone needed to tell the real, everyday stories about how gender impacts our lives.
Enter The Gender Agenda.
With equal parts joy and rage (and support from NZ On Air), we worked to craft a docuseries that would explore some of these lesser-seen conversations. Selfishly, I would get to talk to amazing people about their journeys, offering further inspiration for mine. Not so selfishly, we would package these conversations up into a precious, punk-rock kiss of chocolatey sweetness. We hope it offers comfort to rangatahi navigating their own gender journeys, while also educating whānau and allies alike about the many misconceptions out there.
I was lucky enough to chat with many amazing guests including Hybrid Rose (transgender musician), Awa Puna (transgender actor), Hugo Grrrl (drag king), Miss Geena (drag queen), Tu Chapman (chairperson of Intersex Aotearoa), Grayson Goffe (community activist) and Quack Pirihi (activist, LGBTQIA+ mental health advocate), all of whom have offered perspectives on gender in Aotearoa that I could never find on my own. “We must acknowledge that we are connected to both the masculine source of life and a feminine source of life,” said Grayson Goffe.
It’s been a whirlwind of fun, covering everything from playing dress-ups in drag, to the lives of intersex people, to the reality of gender-affirming healthcare in New Zealand. We’ve also looked at multi-cultural understandings of gender, and how genderqueer people can make space to exist safely and freely. Throughout, I’ve learnt that there’s no one way to express your gender and, like any aspect of your identity, it’s all down to what works best for you. As Dr Ciara Cremin told me, “Gender is something that is imposed on all of us… But one thing we can be true to is desire.”
Thanks to this series and all of these amazing conversations, I can now say that I’m far more sure of my role in the ever-evolving omnibus series that is my life. And if watching our docuseries and having these chats for yourself can do even a fraction of what it has for my sense of self, then I’ll consider that mission accomplished.