Alex Casey and Tara Ward pull together the crucial elements needed for live TV success this Super Saturday. 

Aotearoa, the time is upon us. Today it was announced that an eight-hour Vaxathon will be broadcast this “Super Saturday” between 12-8pm on channel 200, Three, Māori TV and Hahana. The event will include real-time vaccination data, prize draws and everyone’s favourite combo of people: celebrities and health professionals.

Fronting the event will be a litany of talent from the Three stable including Mike McRoberts, Patrick Gower, Jesse Mulligan and Kanoa Lloyd, and more surprise guests. At the 1pm press conference this afternoon, prime minister Jacinda Ardern teased “a bit of nostalgia” and some “healthy competition” between towns.

Here at The Spinoff, we want more than that. Aotearoa has a rich history of live television tomfoolery, so what better time to return to the archives and see what else we can drag from the past into the pandemic present? Here is our list of expert recommendations for the historic broadcast.

Sir Rod Stewart appears live from London to sing ‘Sailing’ (but changes it to ‘Jabbing’)

The best part of The America’s Cup yacht racing (it was this year, people, THIS YEAR) was the awe inspiring moment when legendary singer Sir Roderick Stewart beamed in from the River Thames to serenade the nation with his classic New Zealand rock anthem, ‘Sailing’. Who says miracles can’t happen twice? Rock the dock, grab the jab, thank you and goodnight. / TW

“Thank you very much for your vac-ci-nation” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmgHFbXTYR4&t=1s&ab_channel=LifeinNewZealand

As Tara Ward wrote earlier this year, this tune ​​”would wake you from the deepest of slumbers, a joyous anthem that crawled into your earhole at 3am and refused to leave again.” Since 1967, some variation of this ditty has periodically floated back into our public consciousness, from the Roses ads to National’s 2005 election campaign. Will “thank you very much for your vaccination” slap harder than “thank you very much for your high taxation”? Only time will tell. / AC

The Block NZ houses are auctioned LIVE on Vaxathon 

Covid-19 lockdowns mean The Block NZ houses can’t be sold at auction, which makes Vaxathon the perfect time to finally chuck these puppies on the market. Throw some scrap A4 on a clipboard and attach a biro on some string, and voila, we’ve got ourselves a silent auction. Is it legal? Who cares! Last bid at 8pm wins! / TW

Dinosaur costumes

We’ve plodded our way through so many history-making moments in this pandemic that we’ll probably forget this is also the era we brought the dinosaurs back. Whether it was jiving in a line outside a vaccination centre or presenting the weather on Breakfast, there’s room for dinosaurs in this national conversation and also: Tyrannosaurus vax? Is that something? I haven’t slept in weeks. / AC

This guy from Police Ten 7 does anything

Nobody brings the party harder than this guy in Hamilton, who went moderately viral after a particularly enthusiastic appearance on Police Ten 7. Anyone willing to make the bargain “if I pull a bag of sugar out, will you put me on TV” deserves to be a part of this historic live television event / AC

Everyone does a celebratory conga around the vaccination centre

It’s not a telethon/Vaxathon without one of these iconic dances, but can you do a conga line if you have to socially distance? Isn’t that just…moving? The entire success of Vaxathon rests on this issue, and the sooner someone asks about this at the 1pm press conference, the better. I nominate Suzy Cato to kick things off. / TW

Martin Henderson does the worm, again

Speculation was rife about the return of Ferndale’s prodigal son to the long white cloud earlier this year, and who’s to say he ever left? If Henderson is still on home soil, I would like to issue a civilian’s mandate that he head along to Vaxathon with the sole purpose of doing the worm, just as he did in 2009, to support this worthy cause. / AC

Hilary Barry turns up for a Chocolate Fish lolly scramble

The Seven Sharp journalist has been running a valiant Vaxathon of her own, mailing hundreds of chocolate fish to New Zealanders who got their first vaccination last weekend. A chocolate fish makes everything better, so fingers crossed that Hils Baz puts on a controversial top, climbs into the helicopter of her public health dreams and releases a delicious waterfall of chocolate treats upon on the folk below. A super Saturday, indeed. / TW

The Breakfast team cross the (network) floor to do a TikTok dance

Continuing with this fantasy scenario where everything is made up and network contracts don’t matter, the Breakfast team could grapevine their way over to Three and wow the nation with their well-oiled dance routines. / AC

Everyone sings a lovely song in a choir of five million

Joy in our hearts, song in our throats, antibodies in our arms. / TW

National moment of Jump Jam

The aerobics lesson was a Telethon staple, so why not get the good people of Aotearoa into a frenzy with the above Jump Jam routine set to the wickedly talented Black Eyed Peas? Then, once everyone is vaxxed, we can use the 15 minutes of observation time to watch this wonderful episode of Scratched. / AC

The Mad Butcher raffles off a meat pack

Is there anything more New Zealand than chops and charity? Not this Super Saturday, mates. I’ll take two tickets, please. / TW

David Seymour does his Dancing with the Stars routine 

He may need to flash a bit of cash to buy back the ‘twerking suit’ that he sold for a whopping $10,000 in 2018, but I think it is worth it for this cause. / AC

The Masked Singers get vaccinated and dance like nobody’s watching

The Masked Singer NZ was Three’s flagship reality show for 2021, so what better way to encourage people to feel better about the Covid-19 vaccine than to watch a giant orange roughy and a green alien singing “whip it, whip it good”, get the jab? A bonkers idea for a bonkers time, which means it makes total sense. / TW

It’s been a long time between snacks, but The Great Kiwi Bake Off is back and tastier than ever. Tara Ward takes a first look at this year’s batch of contestants.

Good things come to those who wait, so it’s an absolute delight to welcome back a new season of The Great Kiwi Bake Off. A fresh bunch of home bakers are ready to battle it out in the GBKO tent, competing to become New Zealand’s best home baker by showcasing their spongiest balls, soggiest bottoms and driest nuts. On GKBO, the only mask you need is mascarpone and mixing is definitely allowed. It’s wholesome, it’s delicious, it’s extremely heartwarming. This is comfort television at its finest, just when we need it the most.

Season three kicks off on Thursday 14 October, with Madeleine Sami and Hayley Sproull returning as hosts and judges Sue Fleischl and Dean Brettschneider back to scrutinise the scones and deliberate over the desserts. The 10 amateur bakers are ready to rise to the challenge, so we’ve scoured the GKBO press kit and scraped the sticky bowl of the contestants’ social media to discover what tasty treats are in store.  

Hamish Russell

Digital marketing manager Hamish is no stranger to reality TV, having already competed on New Zealand’s Hottest Home Baker and starred alongside Chris Parker in a My Kitchen Rules NZ reaction series. Baking on the telly isn’t Hamish’s only dream; he has a long term goal of launching a mail-order baking business where boxes of delicious treats magically arrive at your door. Sounds like a recipe… for success.

What’s baking: You can’t beat a big chunk of lolly cake and Hamish is all over it in his Instagram stories. After all, who doesn’t love a log? Even the fruit puffs are smiling. 

Teniqua Jones

Teniqua (Ngāti Porou) taught herself to bake for her children’s birthdays. She enjoys putting time and patience into her baking, which will come in handy during a typically tense GKBO signature bake involving 12 pastry swans and some slippery Chantilly cream. Teniqua also reckons “Hilary Barry is a vibe”, so fingers crossed for a tasty Hilz Baz cake head this season.  

What’s baking: Stay away from Teniqua’s Instagram if you’re hungry, because it’s an absolute feast for the eyes. Send them to Te Papa! Put them in the Louvre! These aren’t cakes, they’re works of art.

Alby Hailes

That’s Dr Hailes to you, because this Whangārei physician signed up for GKBO to prove that baking can be healthy. LOL! Love the idea Doc, but now is not the time. Alby is also a musician and an artist, and reckons if he was a baked good, he’d be a macaron. Ooh la la, as they say in the medical world. 

What’s baking: Alby’s Instagram posts are filled with phrases like “SUNDAY RECIPE SMACKDOWN”, which is exactly the energy we need right now. Let’s smackdown some scones, let’s wrestle with rolls, let’s crush those meringues like the fragile snowflakes they are. It’s exactly what the doctor ordered. 

Pera Bella Tipene

Pera (Ngāti Awa, Ngāti Hine) says she signed up for GKBO for her whānau, hapu and iwi. The Tauranga baker is a queen of the old school classics, and reckons the pavlova log is one of her signature dishes. I’m drooling already.

What’s baking: There’s no sign of Pera’s baking on the socials, probably because she’s too busy whipping up her signature bakes of creamed paua with tomato salsa or a balsamic reduction donut. Delicious.

Christina Fehlmann

Christina’s baking is influenced by her Swiss and Hong Kong heritage, and the Hamilton research assistant describes her style as “fusion style baking with a modern twist”. She loves to experiment by chucking in random ingredients, and when has that approach ever gone wrong in the Bake Off tent? We love to see it.

What’s baking: With no obvious social media accounts to drool over, Christina remains deliciously mysterious and our chocolate ladyfingers applaud her for it. 

Thomas Anderson 

Born and raised in the United Kingdom, builder Thomas is a self-confessed Bake Off addict. He admits to being super-competitive and reckons former Great British Bake Off judge Mary Berry is his absolute hero, so how will judging duo FleischlSchneider stack up against such high standards? Only time, and thyme, will tell. 

What’s baking: Would you like a beautiful flower? Yes please, but only if it’s made entirely of APPLE. 

Wendy Banks

Queenstown baker Wendy whips up treats every day for her husband and three sons, and once sent her signature caramel slice all the way to America. That sounds both messy and delicious, which sums up GKBO perfectly.

What’s baking: Sound the pie klaxon and alert the pastry gods, mince and cheese have never looked so good. 

Gabriel Weibl

Originally born in Slovakia, Timaru primary school teacher Gabriel plans to use recipes from his European heritage in the GKBO tent. He loves a good slice and is a big fan of yeast, but then again, who isn’t? 

What’s baking: Gabriel’s Instagram is set to private and with a total of 0 posts, his signature bake of a sour-cream custard slice will have to exist purely in our imaginations. 

Courtnay Fafeita

Wedding and events manager Courtnay is both a keen baker and a former New Zealand representative in discus and hammer throw. This will come in handy if her scones end up like rocks, but given Courtnay reckons she never gets flustered, there’ll be no need to hiff her baking out the window at great speed. Right? Right.  

What’s baking: If you squint long enough, these incredible Toffee Pop/Squiggle Top fusion biscuits almost look like discuses. Throw them in our gobs, immediately.  

Jasmin Hohaia

Mum to two young boys, Auckland-based Jasmin hopes GKBO will kickstart a new culinary career. She signed up for the show for a challenge, even though she’s already conquered the perfect lockdown sourdough. What bigger challenge is there? Give her the winner’s trophy already. 

What’s baking: I think I’m in love. 

The Great Kiwi Bake Off begins on Thursday 14 October at 7.30pm on TVNZ1 and on TVNZ OnDemand.