Alex Casey delivers her first-impression power rankings after episode one of The Bachelorette NZ.
Isn’t it incredible what a difference five years makes? Since the first season of The Bachelor NZ, Art Green has found the love of his life, written a book, married the love of his life, launched a business, bought a house, had a real life baby and is now back hosting the same show that made it all happen.
As for me? Oh, thank you for asking. Five years later and I’m still hunched over a laptop growing a small horn at the back of my skull and making jokes about people on reality TV. Except now I have glasses from straining my eyes AND I have only just recovered from a mild case of ringworm #growth.
Never mind that though, because the first ever season of The Bachelorette NZ is already our most extravagant attempt at the franchise yet. It’s like every single gizmo chucked onto the whiteboard during a blue sky session at Warner Brothers went straight to the pool room. GoPros galore! Sassy voiceovers! Novelty host! Three nights a week! Art Green vlog cam! Secret moley moley Mole! Massive Eric Watson mansion that makes the old Bachelor mansion look like a haunted gottage!
And then there’s Dr Lesina, our first ever Bachelorette. She’s perfect, she’s beautiful, she could have probably cured my ringworm with a single bat of an eyelash. A 32 year old doctor from Auckland, she’s struggled to find someone that can handle her hectic career. She wears Lululemon on her Piha beach walks, she says “shivers” instead of “shit” and she seems absolutely tailor-made for this gig. Plus, her family is extremely cool and dabbles in the tried and true Kiwi tradition of Roasting Dad:
What else do we have in store this season? Crying, kissing, nudity, more crying, Kita and Anita from House of Drag, more kissing, twists, turns and more serious conversations about anti-vaxxing and climate change. And you said reality TV didn’t tackle the big issues! On with the rankings.
First of all: called it. Second of all, this is easily one of the TV moments of the year
He might have helped her blow her nose, but Wanaka’s naked son was unable to blow Lesina away on the first night. “Bald heads aren’t for everyone,” he shrugged as he left the mansion, unwilling to address the fact that he spent most of the cocktail party stirring beers with his nudist finger.
Never has one man worn so many different kinds of eyewear in such a short space of time. Pour one out for the Specsavers king, gone too soon.
Tyler initially seemed promising, if only because he looked like the kind of guy who could play Prince Harry in a made-for-TV dramatisation of Megxit. Alas, he contracted a bad case of foot in mouth disease that not even Dr Lesina could cure.
Assume he is en route to Canada as we speak.
EXEMPT: Daryl The Mole
Turns out Daryl has been sent into the mansion as a Mole, burrowing deep into Eric Watson’s rolling green hills to dig up literal and metaphorical dirt on all the contestants. Ah yes, the extremely subtle mole who definitely doesn’t mole around the place making moley-as faces the whole mole-ing time.
Want more yarns about The Bachelorette NZ ? Listen below to Art Green talking about episode one with The Real Pod, The Spinoff’s weekly pop culture and reality TV podcast.
The wildcard who gave her… a card.
Glenn is working towards becoming an elite pickup artist, but his main move so far seems to be holding ALL THE HANDS. What are you gonna pick up if you don’t have ya hands mate ha ha ha.
“THERE’S JUST NO REASON TO BE AN ANTI-VAXXER” he hollered for the 500th time while being yanked away from The Bachelorette mansion by a giant comedy-sized cane.
This Dunedin soon-to-be Poet Laureate dropped this absolute clanger on our dear Lesina:
My apologies, but the only Bachelor contestant allowed to write poems is Naz and Naz alone.
Here’s an energy-saver tip: never trust a man named Dominic with an English accent unless he is Dominic Cooper and you are Amanda Seyfried and you are both on the beach in the fictional Greek island of Kalokairi about to sing ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ in your togs. Then, and ONLY THEN, will I allow that kind of reckless behaviour.
It was off to a ripper start for our bungy lord before he even got out of the car:
With a hot mic and a hot date, Jumpmaster Flex burst out of the car to show off his rich repertoire of breakdancing moves. In the words of Art Green… athletic.
We know that he is passionate about climate change, if only to preserve his unusual breed of giant rose ft. French inscription on the petals. What we don’t know is what the inscription said – he won’t tell until Dr Lesina takes him on a single date. Sacre bleu, here’s hoping we aren’t waiting too long.
He seems to be a bit of a quiet diplomat so far, but Art Green told The Real Pod that he thought Jesse had the best entrance gimmick (took a polaroid picture of them together and then stood there awkwardly waiting for it to develop), which instantly gets him a few more points on the board.
9) Mr Wedge
Jonathan Wedge brought along his pug Barry, which would have been all well and good if Lesina wasn’t absolutely terrified of dogs after a traumatic childhood experience. But I will note that she didn’t go as far as to blow her nose on Barry, so there’s a chance for the Wedge dynasty still.
8) Magic Marc
I have a question about stripper t-shirts. Are they made of a particularly fragile material? Do they have an invisible perforated edge? A little starter incision to get the rip going? Or is it just pure brute strength? One thing is for sure: maximum respect to Marc for sitting there with absolutely nothing on under his blazer all night long. Less respect for talking so much about being an alpha dog. Barry is the only alpha dog I recognise.
This self-proclaimed long-lost Hemsworth has travelled all the way from
Asgard Perth to try and win over Dr Lesina’s heart with his bellybutton tattoo, his cocky attitude and his hundreds – nay, thousands – of chunky rings. To his credit, he did correctly predict that Clayton and Elliott would be the first to go home, but the thought of having both a psychic AND a mole in the mansion is simply too much for me to handle right now.
My rogue pick. The “technically homeless” ex-erotic waiter may seem like a bloody hard case, but I reckon he’s sharper than he appears. Yes, he sold all his belongings, including the very briefs off his butt, to travel the world. Yes, he fumbled his ping pong trick on arrival. But he WAS the first bloke to notice Daryl’s moley behaviour, beating Liam for the coveted Most Perceptive Ponytail Prize (MPPP).
Heartbreak Island’s ancient mariner is back (he was 28 at the time in a world of 20-year-olds), and this time he has brought the island with him in the form of novelty pool toy. More importantly, what in the name of Holey Moley on the Viaduct is a “mindset professional”? I want one.
It was all going great for the 38-year-old pilot country boy until he walked in juggling what appeared to be 3 x Ferrero Rocher chocolates. “That was very…” struggled Dr Lesina, “all the walking and the… at the same time…” As if that wasn’t enough, we all know the perfect way to round off the ol’ Rocher Juggle is to then wipe your snotty nose on the sleeve of your suit.
Still, she’s an ear, nose and throat specialist so maybe she can Fix Him.
He dribbled that hockey ball with APLOMB down the red carpet, but it was during their one-on-one time that Aaron really proved himself to be a striker. He opened up about tartan aprons and contracts and Dr Lesina looked pretty charmed. “I thought he was pretty interesting,” she told the camera later, “and he’s definitely pretty cute isn’t he?” Recipe for love, perhaps?
What’s not to love about Kurt? His house is completely batshit insane, kitted out with wall-to-wall Warriors merch as well as A Very Brady Sequel AND Aquamarine on DVD?!?! Who IS THIS MAN? Well, he’s a Duty Free manager (hello, giant Toblerones for life) who loves to bake in his spare time. He kept his Sharkies in his suit pocket all night long, opened up to Dr Lesina about his weight loss battle and seemed to have a really genuine vibe. Go the mighty Kurt imo.
Well deserving of the top spot this week. Quinn spent hours hand-crafting a beautiful stainless steel rose to give to Lesina, promising to put the same amount of time and effort into getting to know her. In exchange, he won the coveted first impression rose. He’s also an engineer, which sits comfortably next to doctor in the “jobs that make you seem like a proper person” folder (writing about reality TV for a job is NOT in that folder, I’ve checked).
Finally, and most crucially, if they got together they could form a band called “Quinn and the Doctor Medicine Woman”.
I rest my case.