After an exciting introduction to The Bachelor NZ this week, Alex Casey delivers her first in our weekly series of Bachelorette power rankings.
I can’t believe it has happened. Our headless oiled Bachelor has finally washed ashore, and revealed his handsome mug to the nation. What a week it has been. There’s been tears, there’s been somewhat excessive nail painting, there’s been beachfront farts. It’s all just part of the beautiful journey towards true love. Which is what we’re all here for, right? That, and a few Paleo tips along the way.
After the mammoth 90 minute premiere, and one hour follow up last night, we have already said goodbye to a fair few maidens that have come in and out of the Bachelor mansion faster than a fraudster in a seabiscuit. Those that remain are an exciting bunch of Michael Hill Jewels©, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
Please note: my rankings have been done within a strict Bachelor framework of judgement. I do not generally condone ranking women in any way (outside of a TV show that is pretty much dependent on it).
Please also note: if you want even more extensive Bachelor NZ coverage, the debut episode of Fantasy Suite featuring myself, Spinoff editor Duncan Greive and Bachelor fanatic Jane Yee is available at the end of this article. What a tease!
I have to put Matilda first. She got the first introduction AND the first rose of the competition, so she’s a dead set to stick around a while longer. Matilda was a bit quieter in episode two, but there’s got to be a single date coming her way soon. I’m hoping they go straight to Lone Star so she can eat a whole barrel of ribs. It’s all Paleo, all endearing.
Dark horse Dani might just intoxicate Art enough to get him behind the wheel of love. I underestimated her in the first episode, but after last night’s tactical “I am so cold” jet ski hug I am re-evaluating her place in the competition. She also managed to get another huge sweep-off-the-feet hug on the boat, and later received a beautiful rose in front of Auckland’s atrocious crane-infested skyline. Ah, romance.
Plus, look how close their hands got. This about as much action as we are going to get in a 7.30 time slot btw.
There’s no way this zany English rose is going rose-less for a while. Her eyes are literally the colour of Powerade, and thirsty Art is gunning for those romantic electrolytes. Poppy got the first single date last night and shook the nation with her reverberating beach fart:
Good on her, farting is a huge relationship milestone and to get it out of the way on the first date feels like a great timesaver. The only now is for Fart Green to match her exotic foreign flatulence. Bless you Poppy, I like you a lot – but I don’t think you will win.
4. Danielle L
The Fraudster is doing pretty damn well considering. Art gave her the second rose of the competition, and seems to be gunning for her affection through sensual seabiscuit invitations. He was impressed when she stuck out the seabiscuit slam-dunking, so just wait till he sees what she can do with a couple of fake receipts! I hope she sticks around long enough to see her vomit on Chrystal – or at least rope Mike Puru into a terrible pyramid scheme.
I have a feeling Kristie might climb higher, but she hasn’t got an early rose yet so I’m not going to count my tiny sequinned Bachelor chickens before they hatch. What I like about Kristie is that she is extremely competitive, as we saw when they played quoits on the boat. She got everyone’s attention by yelling across the circle “Arthur, my glass is empty,” a move that I would argue is 300% more princessy than Chrystal’s sea biscuit palava.
Kristie is a “down to earth country chick”, who has some serious moves up her flannel sleeves for sure. Who wears a huge ring on their left hand at the limo/hatchback introductions?! She’s doing some Derren Brown power-of-suggestion shit for sure. If only she was a little better at last card:
I’m so glad we have our Bachelor NZ villain so early on. Chrystal is obviously a huge threat to everyone, the outspoken yoga instructor has already made enemies with seabiscuit chum Danielle L. She sipped Art’s espresso martini seductively, and got his attention quite early on. “She’s a goddess” he said. I have never called anyone who has stolen some of my delicious drink a “goddess” before, so he must really like her.
My concern for Chrystal is that she is playing a bit of a Laurina card from The Bachelor Australia, in that she might be staying too mysterious to Art, and ruffling too many feathers in the mansion meanwhile. There’s only so far an opulent gold headdress can get you in the personality stakes, so I’m glad to see that she makes a violent interruption in the next episode.
Alysha was one to watch early on, leading a lot of the promos with her relaxed plait, endearing Southern accent and desperately wide smile. She’s looking for a “Bonnie and Clyde” set up, so perhaps she should shack up with Danielle L or something. She’s a great cocktail party interruptor, and has the most kiwi accent of all time.
Holy shit, I just had a thought. Forget The Bachelor, I totally ship her with Steve Broad. They are both teachers, and could start a school in Invercargill where they teach beautiful blonde children how to suppress their rolled R’s for when they inevitably end up in reality TV.
Natalie is a gentle giant, who (rather annoyingly) spent the whole first episode being too scared to talk to Art at all. Despite that, she got a rose. Last night, she finally summoned the courage and burst into him and Cristy’s intense discussion. It was quite an awkward move, but luckily she has the timid persona to palm it off as a faux pas. Perhaps gigantor Art is happy to have someone in the competition who can actually look him in the eye.
Brigette has the potential to be really awesome. She rocked up to the mansion with a beer for Art, but I just think she delivered it to him the wrong way:
Brigette, you need to order up a piping hot plate of self-esteem from The Bachelor kitchen. I’m not sure she can handle the pressure of the competition, breaking down last night in a toilet with the jammed door wide open (so the cameras could get in). At the rose ceremony, Brigette muttered that hers was a “sympathy rose”.
Come on Brigette. It’s not sympathy – it’s because you’re worth it. Oh no shit that’s L’Oreal. What’s the Revlon catchphrase? Be unforgettable. There. Be Brigettable.
Miss More FM has had a hell of a lot of time onscreen, but little of it has been with Art. She has a fiery intensity to her, and a crazy penchant for boxing. She won’t win The Bachelor, but if More FM ever hold their own Fight for Life my money will be on Lisa ‘Left Hook’ Lopes for sure.
The makeup artist and mother of twins wants this so badly, she seems to love being on camera more than paddleboarding, surfing and even fishing. I liked when she mentioned Lara Croft for some reason, but I don’t think she’s going to be raiding Art’s heart tomb any time soon.
Shivani seems lovely, but I don’t think she is cut out for The Bachelor universe. The shy-ropractor made it abundantly clear from their first meeting that she was not comfortable kissing in public. Art was cool with this, seemingly, but I can’t imagine the producers are that stoked. She might stick around for a while, but when things start to get more serious she will be out of there faster than a speed-dry Revlon nail polish ©.
13. Danielle B
I’m really sorry Danielle B, but I think you might be better suited to your infamous accordion competitions of yesteryear. Thank you for saying “the wetter the better” last night though, that was really funny.
From the booklet, I thought Hayley had it all: bubbly, down to earth, and trying to kick start a nutrition business. All perfect traits for Art. But I’ve hardly heard anything from her, outside of some bland narration in the first episode. I don’t feel great about her chances, unless she gets a single date and they bond over digestion. Poppy already kinda stitched that up though.
Who are you?! Why do you own a property section at 21?! You work at a jewellery store, are you a descendent of Michael Hill?! WHY WON’T YOU SPEAK!!
Honourable Mention: Rosie
Our adventure loving Papua New Guinea dweller was head and shoulders above the rest in terms of TV talent. Her lust for danger extended as far as her wanting to date a sniper, and I think she was genunely disappointed that Art wasn’t The Terminator or something. After abdicating her position on The Bachelor, I am now 100% certain that Rosie is now residing in a gilly suit inside the army surplus store on K’rd.
And now, after much anticipation…enter The Fantasy Suite episode one.
The Bachelor NZ airs on TV3 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 7.30pm
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