A recording of a Mother’s Day gift-guide meeting at department store Farmers has leaked. Emily Writes presents the unedited transcript.
The Spinoff has obtained an exclusive transcript of the in-house focus group for Farmers’ 2019 Mother’s Day catalogue – one which features 11 hair-removal devices, an electric tooth brush, two foot massage kits, a robotic back massager (not a useful one that’s actually a vibrator) and five bathroom scales.
Hi, thanks for being here today. I’d like to thank you for attending this focus group to decide what we include in the Farmers catalogue for Mother’s Day. If we could start by just introducing ourselves that would be great. We’ll then kick off with some questions.
Should I start? Just names?
Sure. That’s fine.
Hi, my name is Steve Johnson.
Hi Steve.
Hello, my name is Steve Adamson.
Hi Steve.
Hey, my name is Steve Donaldson
Hi Steve.
G’day boys. I’m Steve Danielson.
Hi Steve.
Good evening, my name is Dr Steve Peterson.
Hi Steve.
Hey, I’m Steve Jacobson.
Hi Steve.
Hey I’m last I guess! I’m Steve Steveson.
Fantastic. OK, let’s kick this off boys. The purpose of this focus group is to choose what to put in our Mother’s Day catalogue. What do you think mothers would like for Mother’s Day? Let’s just throw some ideas out there. Steve – yes? You don’t have to put your hand up, just yell out ideas.
Steve: I think probably a shaver.
Of course, can you expand on that Steve?
Steve: I think women want to shave all of their body hair so they are completely smooth. I think they want all of their surface area to be hairless.
Steve: Yeah, I agree with Steve, I think mothers probably want to spend Mother’s Day shaving their entire bodies.
Wow, straight off the bat that’s brilliant! So we are thinking razors, shaving kits, wax strips? Perfect. What else?
I think after she’s completely shaved she will want to cover herself in Vaseline.
Yes! I think she will want to do that Steve. Women love to cover their bodies in a waterproof sheen don’t they?
Steve: And maybe when she’s naked, shaved, and covered in petroleum jelly she might want to weigh herself.
Steve: But before that she will want to use a complete microdermabrasion system on her numerous imperfections.
This is perfection. I can’t believe we are getting such great ideas from you boys. We definitely can’t forget the complete microdermabrasion system.
Steve: Women love to weigh themselves. Preferably on multiple scales so you will want to buy her at least two or three scales.
Excellent Steve – couldn’t agree more!
Steve: After she has been rendered hairless, covered in a coat of grease and weighed she will definitely want to brush her teeth vigorously.
Steve: Yes, mothers love to brush their teeth. My mother often brushed her teeth.
Steve: Yeah, my wife brushes her teeth also.
Steve: My girlfriend is the same when she’s not shaving and weighing herself she’s usually brushing her teeth.
Steves, this might be the best focus group we have ever held. I can’t believe the insight you have into what your wives and girlfriends and mothers want on Mother’s Day! This is all going in the catalogue.
Steve: I definitely think that it’s important she’s hairless.
Oh yup, we got that Steve.
Steve: Like her whole body – it needs to be smooth like a snake or a lizard.
Yep, we have the hairless bit covered Steve but awesome contribution.
Steve: And then we weigh her. And we write down her weight.
Steve: Yeah weigh her.
We will definitely put many, many scales into the catalogue.
Steve: WEIGH HER
Steve: Weigh her when she’s hairless and she’s brushed her teeth.
[At this point the Steves start to chant WEIGH HER over and over again. This lasts for 20 minutes until there is a knock on the door.]
[A collective gasp, and a woman’s voice is heard.]
Steve, what’s happening here?
Marie! We are just doing the Farmers catalogue brochure focus group.
Marie: But there aren’t any mothers here?
I don’t understand the question.
[There is silence apart from a man still mumbling the words “shave her, weigh her, brush her teeth”.]
Marie: What the fuck is this Steve? This cannot go in the catalogue. Weigh her? Shave her? This is insane.
[A huge commotion]
Marie are you saying you don’t want to be shaved and weighed?
Marie: I do not want to be shaved and weighed Steve, what the fuck?!
I’d be interested to hear from mothers if they are offended by this. Because it sounds like only Marie is offended.
Marie: I am a mother! This isn’t about being offended. I’m telling you as a mother I don’t want to be weighed and I don’t want to be shaved – either by you or my son. If I want to shave, I’ll shave myself and buy my own razor.
Marie are you OK? Are you on your period?
Marie: Steve!
[All of the men answer “yes” in unison]
Marie: Haven’t any of you ever had a conversation with your mothers? Your wives? Your girlfriends? These are terrible gift ideas!
Steve: Actually I shaved my mum’s legs all the time and she loved it.
Steve: Yeah, I have to agree with Steve. I weighed my mum every day because that’s what we did in the good old days. You feminazis hate freedom.
Marie, I really think if you’d just listen-
Marie: No hair removal! No scales! No microdermabrasion systems! No back massagers unless they’re vibrators disguised as back massagers! No tooth brushes! This is not hard!
Would you like some chocolates instead?
Marie: All I want for Mother’s Day is the complete abolition of imperialist white supremacist capitalist heteropatriarchy but I suppose, failing that, yes I’d like some chocolates.
Read more:
A leaked transcript from the JB Hi-Fi Mother’s Day catalogue planning meeting