Welcome to the Cheat Sheet, a clickable, shareable, bite-sized FAQ on the news of the moment. Today, Don Rowe uncovers an icy scandal that reaches the heights of our primary industries. 

It should have been obvious. We should have seen the trends. All across the country, in the freezers of our dairies and stores, something has been going terribly wrong – and now it’s too late. Grapefruit and Lemon Fruju are nowhere to be found. And wherefore art thou, Tropical Snow?

It’s not until you reach for your former lover in the night that you know they’re truly gone.

Why weren’t we warned?

RNZ’s Sarah Robson was the first to go public with dark tidings about the fate of citrus-flavoured ice blocks. She acted decisively, securing what may have been the last specimens in the CBD. There have been few sightings since. Famine strikes fast.

How did this happen? 

It was the hottest January on record. All across the globe industrial superpowers like China and India are waking up. In the USA, environmental regulations are being slashed like sugar cane. As the climate changes the people look for relief. Sales of Fruju iceblocks this summer exceeded expectations by a million units. The new Fruju L&P (terrible, like most L&P colabs) doubled sale projections. Choc Bars are up 35%. Jelly Tips up 28. Something had to give. Someone had to answer for this.

“The early onset of summer and the hotter than normal temperatures saw big demand for our ice cream and ice blocks,” a Fonterra spokesperson said. “To meet this demand we are producing more of the favourite products such as Pineapple Fruju and vanilla ice cream and cutting back on other products.”

This is preposterous!

Clearly. Pineapple Fruju and vanilla ice cream are inferior to Grapefruit and Lemon Fruju, a titan in its field.

Wait, can’t Grapefruit Fruju get you pregnant?

Yes, it’s crack up. But the impending biblical drought is not.

When will the rains come? What word from Fonterra?

“We’re sorry that some people can’t get their favourite Fruju flavour but Grapefruit and Lemon Fruju will be back in stores in a few months.”