The thought of spending another Christmas with him is bringing me out in anticipatory hives.

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Help me Hera,

I’m sure you’re getting loads of questions like this at the moment, but I’m absolutely dreading Christmas this year. My parents got divorced a long time ago, and it’s never been that big of a deal. My dad remarried a lovely woman who I enjoy spending time with, and my mum has had a few nice boyfriends over the years. But a couple of years ago she met a new guy – let’s call him “Paul”.

I despise Paul with every fibre of my being. It’s not just that he’s loud and arrogant and has despicable political opinions that make my skin crawl – he genuinely seems to get a thrill out of making other people uncomfortable and spends every family gathering getting drunk and trying to “debate” people on controversial topics like immigration, trans rights and whether men should have to pay child support. I wish I were joking, but I’m not.

To complicate matters, my mum has had a few major health scares in recent years, and I’m terrified of losing her, so cutting her off isn’t an option for me. The one time I expressed any negative opinion about Paul, her feelings were deeply hurt. I love my mum much more than I hate Paul, I badly want her to be happy, and for some reason beyond my comprehension, she absolutely adores this awful man. I would love to skip Christmas, but ever since my mum’s recent health scare, I’m so worried this will be the last holiday we get to spend together. 

I’m not afraid to stand up for what I believe in, but honestly, I just don’t see the point, because Paul obviously gets a kick out of causing controversy and I feel like arguing with him only makes the situation worse and encourages him to say more inflammatory things. I just want to have a nice Christmas with my mum without either silently seething with rage or feeling like I have to bite my tongue. We don’t have a large extended family, so sitting on opposite ends of the dinner table just isn’t an option. 

Thanks,

#1 Enemy of Paul

Dear #1 Enemy of Paul (lol),

Thank you for this evergreen question to which, as far as I can tell, there is no perfect answer, besides putting a mild sedative in Paul’s eggnog and praying he has a stroke at the dinner table.   

Paul sounds like an insufferable jackass and I’m sorry he has romantically hijacked your mother, and turned every Christmas into a unsolicited debate club for emotionally subnormal bottom-feeders. 

It’s all well and good to have high ideals and sound morals, and to put in a good word for human rights here and there. But what’s the point in arguing with someone who lives for conflict, and loves the sound of their own voice? Are you likely to win him over with your sensitive and nuanced arguments? From your description of him, it doesn’t seem likely. 

I too, wonder what your mother sees in Paul. Does she share the same beliefs, or is her inexplicable affection for him completely separate to his heinous personality? Either way, there’s not much you can do about a parent’s relationship. It’s much easier to tell a friend that their partner is a loser, than it is to convince someone who literally forged your entire human skeleton inside their body that they have bad taste in romantic partners.

I completely understand not being willing to “cut your mother off” – obviously you  love her very much and it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to draw unnecessary festive battle lines, especially if you’re worrying about how much time you have left together. On the other hand, is quality time really quality if it involves listening to Paul rant about why the government ought to bring back public hangings?

I understand not wanting to skip Christmas. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to your mum about the situation. If it’s really as bad as you say, your discomfort probably won’t come as a surprise to her. Sometimes the most generous thing we can do is be real with the people we love, and have honest conversations about difficult things, even if we know it might hurt them. I’m not saying you need to make any big ultimatums, or even say a single mean thing about Paul, but you could, for instance, say that talking about politics with Paul really stresses you out, and ask for her help in trying to enforce a relaxing apolitical Christmas, shelving invigorating moral debates about whether women should have the right to vote, for another time (never).

But I also understand if, for whatever reason, you’re not ready to go there.

If you can’t bear to have the awkward conversation, and are simply looking for strategies on how to get through Christmas without gouging your own eyes out with a cake fork, here are some thoughts:

Your biggest worry seems to be spending quality time with your mum. I would suggest doing that without the company of Paul. You can’t prevent him from attending Christmas dinner, but there are 364 other days of the year in which you can maximise your time together without Paul hanging around. There are plenty of creative ways to do this, which are probably specific to your relationship with your mother. The general idea is to get her out of the house alone. How you accomplish that is up to you. Invite her to the movies or a flea market or whatever the two of you like doing together. It won’t make up for a tedious Christmas, but making an effort to see more of her outside of the context of her relationship might make you feel less despairing about trying to engineer a magical holiday.

My second suggestion is to throw yourself a nice Boxing Day celebration with friends, with booze and laughter and cartoons – so that you have something to genuinely look forward to, and can treat the official family Christmas as an unpleasant but necessary obligation, like an emergency colonoscopy.

That just leaves you with the question of how to survive Paul’s company for anywhere between 1-12 hours.

I would strongly recommend enlisting your mother’s help in enforcing a “no politics” Christmas if humanly possible, and conspiring to change the subject whenever Paul goes on one of his rants, and repeating “let’s not talk about politics” or “I don’t really have an opinion” if he tries to corner you into a  debate. In my opinion, you have to treat the Pauls of this world like a spontaneous appliance fire. Getting overly emotional or presenting a nuanced argument is only going to fuel and energise him. What you need to do is turn off the mains and suck all the oxygen out of the room. Refuse to engage and politely change the subject. Repeat as many times as necessary.

I can’t promise you this will work. Obviously this tactic is only as effective as Paul’s limited capacity for taking a hint. The Pauls of this world are extremely talented at provoking people into emotional debates about contentious topics. But I do think remaining blandly cheerful and giving him nothing to work with is your best chance of frustrating his ambitions to turn Christmas into  “watch Jordan Peterson debate 21 undergraduate Princeton students”. If you don’t care about being right, he’ll have nothing to work with. Feel free to shrug and say “OK. By the way, did I mention that fascinating documentary I watched about the mating habit of sea slugs?” ad infinitum.

There is no moral victory in endlessly engaging with someone who’s only seeking to provoking your outrage. Treat him like one of those mechanical singing fish you used to see at rural gift stores, who is likely to go off at the slightest provocation. You may not be able to prevent him from flapping his great animatronic tail, but you don’t have to sing along.

Having said that, I think that having a preliminary and compassionate conversation with your mum is your best strategy. You don’t have to say you dislike Paul, or would love to push him into a live volcano. It’s completely possible to express your wish for a calm and relaxing holiday in a way that doesn’t feel like a personal attack on her relationship. I’m sure she’d also love a peaceful Christmas, and doubtless has developed some effective Paul-thwarting strategies over the years.

I realise this is not a perfect solution. But sometimes the goal of having a magical holiday is too ambitious, and the best you can do is try to survive with your sanity intact. Throw Christmas to the dogs, and treasure your relationship with your mother every other day of the calendar year. 

Wishing you the best of luck.