Everyone’s experience is completely different… and somehow also exactly the same.

Back in April I – like every other extrovert with enough disposable income to buy a microphone – decided to start a podcast. I know… but at least I didn’t start it to try to convince you to become a tradwife, or buy weight loss supplements that will make you shit yourself. It’s a weekly parenting podcast called Why Do You Parent Like That? where I ask each guest the same five questions about parenting.

The aim is to highlight the ways each guest came to parenting, their values, their guiding principles, strengths and resources. But it also shows how much beauty there is in diversity, and how there is truly no one way to parent. 

I am a perinatal/women’s health social worker with a post grad diploma in counselling. Over my career I have worked with many parents in many different contexts, and all of them were parenting in unique ways. After I had my second child, I was recovering from a tough birth. I was sick of doom-scrolling and seeing the same amorphous face of skinny, white, rich mumfluencers trying to shill me products that were FOR SURE GOING TO STOP MY BABY SCREAMING and MAGICALLY SNAP MY BODY BACK TO ITS PRE-BABY LOOK. 

I was desperate to see stories that were 1) authentic, and 2) different. So, in the postpartum haze, I decided to do it. I’m not sure what I was thinking; I started when my baby was under four months. Somehow the cortisol from birth trauma, combined with the delusion of sleep deprivation and the boredom of the homogeneity of the parenting media space created the perfect recipe for launching a podcast. Thanks to dry shampoo and SSRIs, this week was the final episode of season one, featuring The Spinoff’s very own Hayden Donnell (nepotism alert – he is also my brother-in-law).

Here’s what I learned in 20 episodes of asking the same five questions to parents.

Question one: Tell me about your journey to becoming a parent? 

When I wrote this question, I expected it to be the one with the shortest answer of the five, but how wrong I was. I love how many guests start with, “Well, as a kid…” I also had guests whose pregnancies were surprises. Then, of course, there are those who had fertility ~*jOuRnEyS*~ AKA the universe dealt them a really shit hand.

Lots of people talked about feelings of grief in their road to becoming parents. It is never straightforward. Even before your child is conceived, there can be so many curveballs. The universe loves to get you practising right from the beginning how you’ll figure things out on the fly.

Question two: What does successful parenting mean/look like to you?

If you ever want some warm fuzzies, ask the parents in your life this question. At the heart of it, parents want their children to be good, kind people; to love themselves, and be happy with who they are. For their child to know that they are always loved, and that there is always someone in their corner. This question always brought up conversations of how my guests were parented; both the good and the not-so-good aspects. Another recurring theme was activism, and politics. So many parents want to raise children who care about the world and the people in it. It left me feeling outrageously hopeful for the next generation and how they might be motivated to change the world (no pressure, kiddos).

Question three: What is something about your parenting style that feels unique(ish) to you?

This is where the beautiful differences came out. From Rāniera Procter, who is raising his children in Te Ao Māori with Te Reo Māori as their first language, to Cassidy Skelton, who spoke about low-cortisol parenting. Steph Monks spoke about wanting her kids to know that their parents are so in love.

Hayden spoke about treating his children almost like adults – and when you’re at a family dinner watching him and Rachel explain some complex concept to their six-year-old like it’s no big thing, you know that that’s something he’s passionate about.

Question four: What has been your biggest ‘wtf was that’ moment since becoming a parent?

My friends, this is where we are reminded that parenting is the great equaliser. Everyone from Ben Boyce, to Sharyn Casey, to therapist Jo Robertson, to antenatal educator Sophie Moskowitz, to (almost) doctorate holder Charlotte Kells Robertson, everyone has been pooped or vomited on.

Rebecca Keil spoke about how breastfeeding is so bloody hard. Renata Wiles talked about how she gave birth and then realised “shit, I don’t get a nap, I have to parent straight away?” In our first week as parents, my husband and I looked at each other and genuinely asked, “Are we going to die from sleep deprivation?” The good news is that everyone answers this question laughing. We look back and find humour in the very moments that made us question every life choice that led us to becoming parents.

Question five: If you were listening to this podcast on the day you became a parent, what would you want to hear? 

Cue tears. These parents just want to wrap their new-parent selves up in a huge hug and say, “trust yourself”, “it will get easier”, “I’m so proud of you” and “this is the best thing you’ve ever done”. The compassion everyone has for their past self is gorgeous, and a reminder that Future Abbey is looking back at me feeling that same compassion.

I have spent approximately 30 hours in the past four months talking to parents. From this I have just one big takeaway: everyone’s parenting experience is completely different and somehow also exactly the same. Bring on season two!