As we slide into 2019 it’s time to start thinking about the pun-based activities and festivities you’ll be giving up, giving into, marking and celebrating this year. Emily Writes is here to help.

Let’s start with the year itself. We all know that 2018 was in fact 20GayTeen but did you know 2019 is 20Bi-Teen? Yes! We have Men in Black coming out starring Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth, we have a guarantee that more video clips will have bisexual lighting as seen in Janelle Monae’s ‘Make Me Feel’, and we have other things – like potentially people realising you can be gay while married to someone of the apparent opposite gender to you. I mean come on, grow up, it’s 20Bi-Teen!

20Bi-Teen is the year of realisation that sexuality is a continuum and only the unfortunate few are completely straight (chill out, it’s a joke, don’t you like jokes???)

If 20Bi-Teen isn’t your thing, what about 20Fry-Teen? A tribute to fried foods! Or a Futurama reference. Whatever you prefer. You can also have 20Cry-Teen if your arms are aching from KonMari folding and you’ve already given up on the year eight days in.

Kick off this first month with Januhairy. It’s described as a “month-long movement to encourage women to ditch traditional trends and grow out their body hair”. But it could also be described as why do the children always get into the shower immediately as soon as I’m in there, I just want a shower by myself, how am I meant to shave with you two in here, this shower is too small, GOD I JUST WANT MY OWN BATHROOM.

You could try Januweary where you just lie on the couch exhausted because you never really got a break over the Christmas holidays. Or Hamuary where you just eat nothing but leftover Christmas ham for the entire month. Also available, Matthew Perry-uary where you only watch Matthew Perry movies for the month. Comic Sans-uary is the time to irritate every font nerd.

Febuary is clearly #Flabuary – you purposely thickened yourself up for this one. Be proud of your flab. Post it on Instagram. Wear a bikini to work. Deaduary is when you just lay there for a month waiting for the neighbourhood cats to eat your face. Beduary – stay in bed.

In Feb-rue-ary you need to reach inside yourself and pull out your inner supervillain. Seek revenge on all who have wronged you, make them rue the day they ever met you.

The next month gets you ready for All-Starch-March – potatoes 24-7 my friend. You can practise this alongside Parch(ed) which is just a thirsty month where you watch Alexander Skarsgard and Dwayne The Rock Johnson films. Also Take Abortion Out Of The Crimes Act March – very important.

Aprilliant is your chance to be your best most brilliant self for the whole month. Or Datepril – a new date every day. Chaferil is probably a direct result of All-Starch-March. Best to start Graperil my friend, an all grape diet will flush you right out.

Maybe-May is when you say maybe to all Facebook invites but go to exactly none of them. Everyone will hate you but you do you baby. Hermit life is where it’s at. You-Don’t-Say-May is when you just answer every mansplainer with “hmmm you don’t say?” for the whole month. “You don’t say” is really the most meaningless term when you think about it. You did say it. So why suggest you didn’t? There’s also Pay Teachers What They’re Worth May which I’m very behind.

Poon-June is all about vagina steaming. June (Carter-Cash) is a month of country music. Cocoon-June is when you make a cocoon out of papier-mâché and live in it for a month. June-iper is when you give up drinking (everything except gin).

Everyone knows Dry July but what about High July, that’s when you get extremely, extremely [redacted]. Chai July is when you only drink chai.

Flawless August is your chance to be your beautiful self in all your glory on every available social media platform. Aug-Lust is all about summoning your inner pervert and just posting the wet emoji everywhere. SoreThrush is your time to ensure you get that under control. AuGusto is when you eat as much as you can for the month.

During Slip-tember embrace and preach the gospel of support garments – specifically bike shorts under dresses. And there’s Stop Taking For Granted Our Midwifery System and Actually Fund And Resource It Properly September.

October is Mocktober – spend the month eating faux meat and wearing fake fur. Or alternatively, mock everyone you meanie. Socktober is a month of socks – did you wear socks last month? Doesn’t matter – wear socks this month.

November, there’s obviously Movember, and Brovember, and Snowvember but did you know about Chodevember? Probably best you don’t.

Buy new bras in Decembra or be a good Decembro and help dismantle toxic masculinity.

There’s something for everyone before we get to 2020 AKA Plenty Twenty if we’re all still alive then and Trump hasn’t nuked the world.

A group of tourists have been travelling the country (Auckland) leaving litter and unpaid restaurant bills in their wake. Government-appointed negotiator Madeleine Chapman tries to reason with them.

Kia ora Sir,

My name is Madeleine Chapman and I’m here to negotiate on behalf of the New Zealand government and its citizens. You can tell me your name if you wish, but please don’t feel that you have to. I’m speaking to you because you appear to be the leader of your group. I’m not here to demand anything of you just yet, I’m simply here to listen.

First, here’s what I understand so far, correct me if I’m wrong about any of the events or facts.

Sometime early in the new year, you and your travel companions dined at the Backyard Bar & Restaurant in Northcote. Was it good? I’ve never been. You claimed there were ants in your food and only paid for three meals. On behalf of the country, I apologise for this incident.

A few days later you went back and again, did not pay for your meals because you said there was a hair in them. Again, I apologise on behalf of the country.

You repeat this process days later at Artwok in Takapuna. Okay, see, now I’m starting to think that maybe you just don’t like paying for your meals. Am I right? No? Again, I apologise. Please don’t swear at me.

A man who claims to have sat next to your travel companions on a flight from Hong Kong to Auckland alleges that one of you had a poo-filled nappy in your carry-on. That’s…gross, but I’m not judging. Kids can be a handful and can produce a handful, I get it. I’m just trying to understand.

Okay, now for the big one. I think you know what I’m talking about. Littering at Takapuna Beach. Guys, come on. It says here you were drinking Coronas. I love a cheeky Corona. Did you put lemon in it? You’ve got to put lemon in it. Lemons aren’t the cheapest fruit but I have a tree at home so- um, no sorry I don’t think I’m allowed to tell you where I live. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that there were rubbish bins right there on the beach. It’s so easy to be a tidy Kiwi. That’s what we call ourselves because we love to be tidy and not litter. You’re right, it’s dumb. And yes, I agree that woman had no right to tell you to pick up after yourself or film you in such a vulnerable state of being shirtless and wearing an oversized hat. In fact, I’m speaking to her right after this.

Is that your uncle walking over? No, of course I won’t talk to him. I promise.

Look, just between the two of us, you’re scaring a lot of folks around here. I personally don’t care at all, you do you. Here, have another Corona. But some people are starting to talk, and they’re frightened. You went after Nando’s, that’s a big no-no. One of your car doors hit a parked car, an even bigger no-no. Do you know how expensive panel beating is here?

Sorry, I got a bit heated there, please forgive me. Where are you travelling next? I know some really good spots up north that- oh, right, please don’t swear at me. One piece of advice I can give you for free is don’t swim in any rivers. They’re disgusting, unswimmable. What do you mean? We are tidy, they’re still dirty from the last time tourists littered here.

You haven’t actually said what you want. You’ve taken the entire country hostage through dining and dashing – the worst crime – and not caring what we think, but you haven’t set a ransom. Now, as you must already know, there are limits to what I can give you. And I can’t give you anything until you agree to these non-negotiables:

– Please pay for meals when you order them at restaurants
– If you do not wish to pay for your meal, please leave quickly and quietly and without swearing at anyone
– Please put your rubbish in the bins provided
– If you do not wish to put your rubbish in the bins provided , please leave quickly and quietly and without swearing at anyone

If you agree to these conditions we can, in return, offer you:

– 10x Nando’s peri peri sauce sachet
– 1x $40 Whitcoull’s gift card
– 2x AA petrol cards
– 1x signed poster of MAFS NZ contestants
– Morning tea with the prime minister
– A guest spot on 7 Days
– Nationwide front-page coverage of your every movement

If you refuse this offer then I’m sorry but we’ll have no choice but to- Sir, excuse me, Sir, why are you taking your shirt off? Sir, there’s no need to fetch your Bunnings Warehouse hat. I’m sorry, we just want you to be conside-PLEASE JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WANT. WE’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING. YOU WANT A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE? HERE’S THE WHOLE THING. YOU WANT LEMONS? HERE’S THE KEY TO MY HOME. TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT JUST PLEASE DON’T YELL AT US ANY MORE.